The #1 Dating Rule That Will Change Your Life (You’ll Never Be Confused Again!)

In this podcast episode, Jay sits down with Sabrina Zohar to dive deep into the complexities of modern dating, exploring why people struggle to know if someone is truly interested, the psychological patterns behind chasing unavailable partners, and the critical role of self-advocacy and regulation. Sabrina brings her personal stories and professional insight to shed light on emotional availability, communication, boundaries, and how foundational healing impacts relationship dynamics. They also unpack common dating myths, texting etiquette, and practical advice for creating healthier and more conscious romantic connections.

Effort, Interest, and Emotional Availability

Sabrina reframes the question of "how do you know if someone likes you" by emphasizing emotional safety, consistency, and genuine effort over superficial signals like texting frequency. She stresses that healthy relationships require reciprocity, intentionality, and the ability to feel safe and seen. Drawing from her own experience with ADHD and relationships, she highlights that people show affection differently and encourages awareness of your nervous system's responses as a key guide. Open, honest conversations about intentions, rather than overthinking or expecting tricks, are presented as the most grounding way to assess interest.

Childhood Wounds, Repetition Compulsion, and Dating Patterns

The discussion reveals how unresolved childhood wounds lead people to unknowingly seek relationships that echo old traumas, a Freudian concept known as repetition compulsion. Sabrina shares her personal history with a narcissistic father and how that shaped her dating patterns, attracting similar dynamics. She explains that self-abandonment often results from trying to earn love that felt unsafe or absent early on. These early relational templates wire our nervous system to expect inconsistency or rejection, which perpetuates chasing emotionally unavailable partners.

Nervous System Regulation: State, Story, and Strategy

A recurring theme is the role of nervous system regulation in dating. Sabrina introduces the model of "state, story, strategy," where a person's emotional state shapes the story they tell themselves and how they behave strategically in dating situations. Dysregulation can cause quick assumptions like "they don't like me," leading to reactive behavior such as excessive texting or rumination. Developing a window of tolerance — the capacity to sit with uncertainty and discomfort — allows for more stable perspectives and prevents unnecessary emotional crashes.

Recognizing and Responding to Red Flags

They explore immediate red flags such as people who lack accountability, blame all their exes, dismiss boundaries, or minimize your feelings. Sabrina stresses the importance of advocating for oneself and not settling for being "too much." She warns of confusing excitement and nervous butterflies with safety, noting that true secure relationships are characterized by consistency, respect, open communication, and the ability to repair ruptures.

Navigating Relationship Intensity and Going Slow

Sabrina advises going slow as a way to manage emotional intensity and maintain personal boundaries. Rapid progression in dating can mask red flags and make one feel overly accessible, contributing to burnout and pain when things abruptly change, such as fading communication after weeks of seeming consistency. She encourages maintaining your life and priorities independently, inviting partners into your world rather than replacing your world with theirs.

Letting Go of the Need to Be Loved and Cultivating Self-Love

Sabrina shares the powerful learning from the loss of her dog, Clen, about unconditional love and self-sufficiency. She emphasizes that needing someone's love creates fear and insecurity, whereas wanting someone with a foundation of self-love leads to healthier relationships. Being afraid to lose yourself or your identity is more important than fearing losing the other person — a mindset shift that safeguards emotional autonomy.

Advocacy and Self-Trust in Relationships

The conversation highlights the essential skill of advocating for oneself and communicating needs clearly. Sabrina shares stories of difficult family dynamics that initially blocked her from speaking up but also how reclaiming her voice became a source of power. She underscores that boundaries will sometimes prompt people to leave, but this is part of reclaiming choice and fostering relationships built on mutual respect. Advocacy isn't just about dating—it applies to all relationships and contexts.

Emotional Availability and Capacity

Sabrina clarifies misconceptions about emotional availability, explaining it's not merely about willingness but capacity. Many people want connection but cannot engage deeply because they haven't processed their own emotions or trauma. She stresses that love often isn't enough to change this; personal readiness and work are required. Emotional unavailability manifests as shallow communication, avoidance of commitment, and discomfort with vulnerability.

Managing Texting and Communication Expectations

Texting is discussed as a dopamine-driven habit that often fuels anxiety and confusion. Sabrina and Jay agree that texting behaviors do not reliably indicate interest or affection, since communication styles vary widely. Healthy dating communication depends more on consistency and respect rather than frequency or speed of replies. Picking up the phone and having real conversations can bridge the disconnect caused by text's tone-deprivation and prevent misinterpretations.

Handling Mixed Signals and Situationships

When people say they don't want something serious but act like a partner, or the relationship oscillates between connection and distance, Sabrina advises setting clear boundaries and speaking your needs. Situationships usually reflect a lack of clear communication and absence of mutual commitment, which can't be sustained healthily long-term. Letting go of someone who is inconsistent or unwilling to grow becomes critical for emotional well-being.

Foundations and Non-Negotiables in Dating

They discuss the importance of having foundational standards and non-negotiables such as being fully over past relationships and expecting growth-mindedness in a partner. Healthy relationships require mindful pacing, open communication about expectations, and respect for boundaries. Trust builds gradually through mutual accountability, empathy, and the vulnerability to share one's feelings without fear.

Challenging Common Dating Myths

Sabrina challenges many popular clichés. "If he wanted to, he would" oversimplifies complex human behavior. There are no inherently "good men" or universal "right person, wrong time" exceptions without context. Healing is a lifelong process; no one is perfectly "healed," but growth-mindedness is key. Relationships aren't meant to be effortless, and lasting connection requires work, repair, and honest conversation.

The Importance of Mutuality

Mutuality—of effort, understanding, and respect—is emphasized as an underlying principle of sustainable relationships. Without mutual investment, relationships tend not to survive emotional ruptures or challenges. Sabrina reminds listeners that grief is natural in ending any relationship, but it is necessary to clear space for healthier, more mutually fulfilling connections.

Embracing Vulnerability to Build Connection

The episode highlights vulnerability as essential to connection, trusting that opening up about one's feelings, desires, and triggers enables deeper intimacy. Sharing personal histories, such as childhood experiences or cultural meanings behind simple acts, helps partners understand each other beyond surface behaviors. Vulnerability helps transition relationships beyond superficial "spark" and into genuine partnership.

Setting Boundaries with Emotional Clarity

Sabrina encourages clear boundary-setting with honesty and self-compassion. Boundaries reflect self-worth and create space for mutual respect. When boundaries are pushed back on or disrespected, it signals incompatibility or that the other person is benefiting from old dysfunctional patterns. Being clear about what you want or don't want is a way of valuing yourself.

Letting Go of Scarcity and Control

They discuss how scarcity mindset and control over outcomes create unnecessary pressure and disillusionment in dating. Releasing attachment to a specific outcome and focusing on self-growth and joy in the present moment increases the chance of meeting compatible partners. Dating is reframed as a process of discovery rather than a race to secure love.

The Power of Self-Compassion and Inner Work

Sabrina closes with a powerful message about the journey of coming back home to oneself. Prioritizing self-compassion, understanding one's wounds and insecurities, and rewiring the nervous system through repetitive, conscious effort are crucial for transforming dating experiences. This inner work lays the foundation for healthier connections and renews hope for meaningful relationships.