Dr. Becky Kennedy Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds

Added: Feb 26, 2024

Defining the Parent's Job

Dr. Kennedy discusses the two main jobs of parents: setting boundaries and showing empathy. Boundaries are actions that parents take to communicate what they will do, requiring the child to do nothing in return. Empathy involves understanding and validating the child's feelings, even when setting boundaries. These two aspects work together to create a sturdy and healthy relationship dynamic.

Understanding Boundaries

Boundaries are not requests but clear statements of what will happen if the child does not comply. For example, taking away the remote if the child does not turn off the TV after being asked. Boundaries provide structure and safety for children, helping them understand limits and expectations. Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries early and firmly to establish a sense of security for the child.

The Role of Rewards

When it comes to rewarding children, Dr. Kennedy suggests evaluating the purpose behind rewards. Rewards should not be excessive or disproportionate to the behavior exhibited. Instead, rewards can be used to incentivize positive behavior, such as turning off the TV on time. It's essential to balance rewards with consequences and not rely solely on external motivators to shape behavior. Rewards should be meaningful and aligned with the child's actions to reinforce positive behavior effectively.

The Importance of Connection

Dr. Kennedy highlights the underlying need for connection in parent-child relationships. Children seek validation, understanding, and boundaries to feel secure and valued. By combining boundaries with empathy, parents can create a supportive and nurturing environment that promotes emotional growth and resilience in children. Building strong connections based on mutual respect and understanding is key to fostering healthy relationships.

Believing Kids are Inherently Good Inside

Dr. Kennedy starts by emphasizing her belief that children are inherently good inside. She questions the common assumptions about raising kids and relationships, stripping back all assumptions to the core belief that children are good inside. She argues that behaviors are often a result of lack of skills rather than inherent badness in children. By understanding this, parents can approach parenting with a focus on building skills rather than using rewards and punishments.

Rewards and Punishments

Dr. Kennedy challenges the traditional use of rewards and punishments in parenting. She believes that rewards and punishments are based on the assumption that children need to be controlled. Instead, she advocates for a more empathetic and skill-building approach. She questions the effectiveness of rewards in the long term and suggests that building generalizable skills is more beneficial for children's development.

Impingement and Allowing Space for Children's Feelings:

Dr. Kennedy discusses the concept of impingement, which refers to imposing one's desires on children. She explores the balance between setting boundaries and allowing children to express their feelings and preferences. She highlights the importance of validating children's experiences while also guiding them towards making decisions that may be challenging but necessary for growth.

Validation and Confidence Building

The phrase "I believe you" emerges as a powerful tool in building children's confidence and trust. Dr. Kennedy explains that by believing children's experiences and feelings, parents can instill a sense of self-trust in them. This validation helps children feel real and safe, allowing them to navigate their emotions and challenges with confidence.

She distinguishes between "I hear you" and "I believe you" in the context of parenting. While "I hear you" acknowledges children's feelings, "I believe you" goes a step further by validating their experiences and beliefs.

Handling Difficult Situations

Dr. Kennedy provides examples of how parents can respond to challenging situations, such as a child feeling upset about being picked last in a game. Instead of dismissing the child's feelings or trying to boost their confidence artificially, she suggests acknowledging the child's emotions and expressing belief in their experiences. This approach helps children feel understood, validated, and supported.

Building Skills and Resilience

Through her parenting approach, Dr. Kennedy focuses on building skills and resilience in children. By validating their experiences, guiding them through challenges, and instilling self-trust, parents can help children develop the necessary skills to navigate life's ups and downs. This skill-building approach prepares children to become sturdy and resilient adults in the long run.

Trauma and responsibility

Dr. Kennedy delves into the concept of trauma, highlighting that it is not just about the events themselves but how they are processed internally. Trauma often stems from confusion over responsibility, especially in childhood when children may internalize events that are not their fault. She stresses the importance of repair in such situations to prevent long-term negative impacts.

Repairing oneself

Before repairing others, Dr. Kennedy suggests starting with self-repair. This involves separating one's behavior from their identity, such as acknowledging that one can be a good parent who made a mistake. By addressing internal conflicts first, individuals can approach repair in relationships more effectively.

Effective apologies

In the midst of hectic situations, Dr. Kennedy recommends simple yet powerful apologies. Expressing genuine remorse, acknowledging the impact of one's actions, and committing to do better in the future can go a long way in repairing relationships. She also emphasizes the importance of validating the other person's feelings and experiences during the apology process.

Dealing with rudeness

When faced with rudeness or hurtful remarks, Dr. Kennedy suggests taking a moment to understand the underlying emotions before responding. By offering a calm and empathetic response, individuals can create a safe space for communication and resolution. She also highlights the value of setting boundaries while maintaining a supportive and understanding stance.

Fear and control in parent-child relationships

Dr. Kennedy addresses the dynamics of fear and control in parent-child relationships. Some parents may feel afraid of their children's reactions, leading to a power struggle where children learn to manipulate through emotional outbursts. By fostering a sense of safety and setting clear boundaries, parents can establish a healthy balance of authority and respect in the relationship.

Empowering parents

Dr. Kennedy encourages parents to confront their fears and assert their authority in a constructive manner. By prioritizing open communication, validation, and setting boundaries, parents can create a nurturing environment where children feel heard, understood, and supported. This approach fosters mutual respect and strengthens the parent-child bond.

Understanding deeply feeling kids

Dr. Kennedy describes deeply feeling kids as individuals who experience emotions in a more intense and visceral way. These children may struggle with feelings of abandonment and being too much, leading to explosive outbursts. They are described as "super sensors" who are highly attuned to their environment and may struggle with boundaries.

Parenting strategies for deeply feeling kids

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of being a sturdy leader for deeply feeling kids, providing both firm boundaries and warmth. She advises against punitive measures like timeouts and instead encourages parents to validate their child's feelings while setting clear limits. It is essential to help these children feel safe and understood, even when their emotions are overwhelming.

Challenges in co-parenting

Dr. Kennedy addresses the challenges that arise in co-parenting situations, especially when parents have different approaches to discipline and emotional regulation. She suggests focusing on the child's experience and helping them process their emotions rather than criticizing the other parent's methods. Communication and collaboration between co-parents are key to creating a consistent and supportive environment for the child.

Managing energetic kids

For children who are highly energetic and struggle to sit still, Dr. Kennedy recommends being a channel for their energy rather than a dam. Instead of trying to suppress their natural urges, parents can work with their child's energy by providing outlets for physical activity and emotional expression. By acknowledging and validating their child's needs, parents can help them channel their energy in a positive way.

Addressing ADHD diagnoses

Dr. Kennedy discusses the overlap between deeply feeling kids and neurodivergence, such as ADHD. She highlights the importance of understanding and supporting children with ADHD, recognizing that their energy and behavior may be a result of their unique neurology. By being empathetic and collaborative, parents can help children with ADHD navigate their emotions and behaviors in a positive way.

Parenting in the Modern World

Dr. Kennedy discusses the impact of new tools such as meditation and deep breathing exercises in helping children develop self-regulation skills. She also addresses the challenges of social media and the constant connectivity that children experience, emphasizing the need for parents to set boundaries and teach children to tolerate frustration.

Adolescence and Teenagers

Dr. Kennedy discusses the unique challenges of adolescence and the teenage years. She explains that teenagers go through a period of separation and identity formation, which can be challenging for both parents and children. She emphasizes the importance of parents preparing for the sense of loss they may feel as their children become more independent and establish their own identities.

They may exhibit behaviors such as distancing themselves from their parents, which is a normal part of their development. This distancing is not a permanent move away from parents but a necessary step for teens to explore their identity. Parents need to understand that even as teens move away, they still need their parents and crave connection.

Dr. Kennedy offers practical advice for supporting late adolescents and teenagers. She encourages parents to maintain a strong and connected relationship with their children, even as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. By understanding the developmental changes and needs of teenagers, parents can provide the necessary support and guidance during this critical stage of growth.

She discusses the concept of teens being explorers who need a home base to return to. She explains that teens are exploring a new world that adults may not fully understand, and it is crucial for parents to provide a stable and supportive environment for them. By acknowledging their need for exploration while also offering a sense of home, parents can help teens navigate this challenging phase.

Setting Boundaries With Teens

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries with teens, especially when it comes to behaviors that may be harmful or concerning. She suggests approaching teens as a team and involving them in decision-making processes, such as setting curfews or discussing rules around screen time. By involving teens in these discussions, parents can empower them to take ownership of their actions while still providing guidance and support.

Behavioral Examples in Parents

Dr. Kennedy discusses how parental behavior can influence teens' perceptions of adult relationships. She explains that affectionate and respectful interactions between parents can model healthy relationship dynamics for teens. On the other hand, conflict or yelling between parents can create a negative impact on teens and may lead to them internalizing unhealthy relationship patterns.

Intervention for Troubled Teens

Dr. Kennedy addresses the challenges parents face when dealing with troubled teens, such as substance use or behavioral issues. She advises parents to assess the impact of these behaviors on their teen's overall functioning and well-being. Signs such as a decline in school performance, social withdrawal, or increased conflict at home may indicate the need for additional support.

Dr. Kennedy encourages parents to seek help for their teens if they notice concerning behaviors or significant changes in their child's behavior. She emphasizes the importance of addressing issues early and not hesitating to intervene when necessary. Seeking professional support, such as therapy or residential treatment programs, can provide teens with the help they need to navigate challenging situations.

Communication with Teens

Dr. Kennedy stresses the importance of open and honest communication with teens, even when discussing difficult topics. She advises parents to express their love and concern for their teens while setting boundaries and expectations. By maintaining a supportive and understanding approach, parents can help teens feel safe and supported during challenging times.

Understanding Entitlement and Frustration

Dr. Kennedy discusses the concept of entitlement, which she defines as a fear of frustration. She explains that entitlement often stems from a deep intolerance and fear of experiencing frustration. This fear can manifest as demanding behavior, as individuals seek to avoid feelings of frustration at all costs. Dr. Kennedy gives an example of a wealthy family whose teenage son throws a tantrum in an airport when he is not seated in first class. She highlights how this behavior is rooted in a fear of frustration and an expectation that things should always go their way.

Parenting Strategies to Address Entitlement

To address entitlement in children, Dr. Kennedy suggests exposing them to experiences that involve frustration and challenges. She recommends involving children in household chores, teaching them that life sometimes involves doing boring or frustrating tasks. By allowing children to experience and navigate these challenges, parents can help them develop resilience and a healthy relationship with frustration. She also emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and not always giving in to children's demands, as this can reinforce entitlement.

The Good Inside Membership Program

Dr. Kennedy has created the Good Inside Membership program, which provides resources and support for parents looking to improve their parenting skills. The program offers actionable strategies, scripts for challenging situations, and access to experts in the field. By joining the membership program, parents can connect with other like-minded individuals and gain valuable insights into effective parenting practices. Her goal is to empower parents to become more confident and resilient leaders in their families, ultimately fostering healthy and positive relationships with their children.