Added: Aug 30, 2023
In this episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes interviews Sadia Khan, an online coach and relationship expert. They discuss the challenges people face in relationships today, including the high rate of relationship failures within the first year.The Illusion of Options in Relationships
According to Sadia Khan, the rise of online dating, social media, and pornography has created an illusion of options in relationships. People now have access to a wide range of potential partners and are constantly assessing if their current partner is the best they can get. This mindset leads to a sense of narcissism, where individuals believe they deserve the most satisfying and fulfilling relationship. As a result, they may quickly replace their partner if they don't meet all their expectations, even if they don't actually have better alternatives.
The Impact of Online Dating, Social Media, and Pornography
Khan argues that the illusion of options is fueled by online dating, social media, and pornography. These platforms provide instant gratification and validation, leading individuals to seek constant highs and novelty. However, this constant pursuit of highs also leads to lows, as individuals become dissatisfied and restless in their relationships. Additionally, the rise of social media has created a culture that glamorizes poor choices and external validation, further exacerbating the problem.
The Importance of Self-Reflection and Healing in Relationships
Khan emphasizes the need for self-reflection and healing in relationships. She suggests that individuals should ask themselves how their personal insecurities may impact their relationships. By understanding their own wounds and insecurities, individuals can create a buffer to prevent self-sabotage. It is crucial to take responsibility for one's own healing and not expect a partner to provide all the solutions. Khan warns against entering relationships wounded and expecting the other person to heal them without even communicating their needs or diagnosis.
The Role of Self-Control in Becoming a High Value Man or Woman
Khan defines a high value man or woman as someone who has complete self-control. This means making responsible decisions that serve long-term goals and resisting short-term temptations. Self-control allows individuals to resist destructive behaviors and prioritize their well-being and the well-being of their partner. It is about making choices that align with one's values and long-term happiness, rather than succumbing to immediate gratification.
The Consequences of Lacking Self-Control in Relationships
Lacking self-control in relationships can have severe consequences. Khan explains that men who lack self-control may engage in infidelity, gambling, substance abuse, or other destructive behaviors. These actions can lead to the breakdown of trust and the deterioration of the relationship. Similarly, women who lack self-control may seek external validation and attention, leading to a constant need for novelty and a lack of commitment. Both partners need to have self-control to create a healthy and lasting relationship.
The Need for Intrinsic Values in a High Value Woman
Khan challenges the notion that a high value woman is solely defined by her physical appearance and the attention she receives from men. Instead, she argues that a high value woman should possess intrinsic values. These values include being connected to friends and family, serving the community, and deriving self-esteem from having a purpose and loving those around her. A woman who relies solely on external validation and attention will never be satisfied in a relationship and may struggle with fidelity and commitment.
The Addiction to Pornography and Its Impact on Relationships
Khan highlights the prevalence of pornography addiction among men. She explains that many men who struggle in relationships are addicted to pornography, even if they don't recognize it as an addiction. Pornography provides intense gratification without the fear of rejection, leading to a distorted view of intimacy and relationships. Men who are addicted to pornography may struggle with intimacy, have unrealistic expectations, and may even seek out other sexual experiences outside of the relationship. Addressing pornography addiction is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Biggest Red Flags in a New Dating Relationship
Khan highlights three major red flags to watch out for in a new dating relationship. The first is the impact of childhood experiences on a person's ability to love and be loved. If a person has experienced a chaotic childhood and has not acknowledged its impact, they may unintentionally create conflict and chaos in their relationships. It is important to be aware of this potential dynamic to avoid becoming a punching bag for their unresolved issues.
The second red flag is the ability to set boundaries versus engaging in self-sabotage. Effective boundaries are instructions that teach a partner how to love and respect you. On the other hand, self-sabotage involves not communicating one's needs and then becoming resentful when those needs are not met. It is crucial to establish healthy boundaries and communicate them effectively to foster a strong and respectful relationship.
Childhood Trauma and Its Effect on Relationships
Childhood trauma plays a significant role in shaping a person's beliefs about love and relationships. Khan explains that individuals who have experienced trauma may develop core beliefs that they are unworthy of love or that love is painful. These beliefs can lead to self-sabotage and the creation of chaotic relationships. It is important for individuals to acknowledge the impact of their childhood experiences and embark on a healing journey before entering into new relationships. Failure to do so may result in repeating patterns of trauma and negatively affecting any potential future children.
Setting Boundaries vs Self-Sabotage
Setting boundaries is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Khan emphasizes that effective boundaries are not about cutting off contact or being intolerant of mistakes. Instead, they are instructions that help teach a partner how to love and respect you. By communicating boundaries, partners can create a safe and respectful space for each other. On the other hand, self-sabotage involves not expressing one's needs and becoming resentful when they are not met. It is important to differentiate between the two and establish healthy boundaries that promote growth and understanding.
Competition vs Cooperation in a Relationship
Khan discusses the importance of cooperation in a relationship. Partners should prioritize each other's well-being and work together to create a healthy and fulfilling connection. Cooperation involves valuing the other person's happiness, reducing anxiety, and fostering a sense of connection. On the other hand, competition in a relationship can lead to hurtful behaviors and disconnection. Khan questions the purpose of being together if the relationship becomes a source of pain and harm. Prioritizing each other's well-being should be a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship.
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