Habits Of Irresistible Conversationalists | Michael Bungay

Added: Jul 31, 2023

Bungay Stanier begins by explaining that some people are naturally wired to be curious and interested in others, while others may be more introverted and selective in their interactions. He emphasizes the importance of caring about relationships and building connections with people, rather than just focusing on personal ambitions and goals. He introduces the concept of "I-Thou" relationships, where individuals show up as their authentic selves and connect with others on a deeper level. This type of relationship is based on mutual humanity and allows for vulnerability and connection. On the other hand, "I-It" relationships are more transactional and focused on getting something from the other person. Bungay Stanier suggests that people should slow down their rush to give advice and instead focus on staying curious and listening to the other person. He explains that rushing to give advice can diminish the other person's authority and autonomy, while slowing down and listening allows them to find their own solutions and feel empowered. He shares three questions that can make a person more magnetic in conversations: "What's on your mind?", "What's the real challenge here for you?", and "What's the best thing about today?". These questions encourage the other person to open up, explore their challenges, and share positive experiences. By listening attentively to their answers, the person asking the questions can create a deeper connection and make the other person feel valued and interesting. Bungay Stanier also discusses the success of his book, "The Coaching Habit," which aims to make coaching an everyday tool that anyone can use. He explains that coaching often comes with a lot of baggage and misconceptions, but his book simplifies it by encouraging people to stay curious and rush to action and advice-giving more slowly. He believes that most people are advice-giving maniacs and that slowing down can lead to more effective and empowering conversations. He introduces the concept of keystone conversations, which are intentional conversations about how people work together before diving into the tasks at hand. These conversations set the tone for the working relationship and allow for alignment and understanding. Bungay Stanier suggests using five questions to have keystone conversations: "What's the real challenge here for us?", "What do you want?", "How can I help?", "If you're saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?", and "What was most useful or valuable here for you?". Towards the end of the podcast, Bungay Stanier discusses the importance of repairing relationships when things go wrong. He emphasizes the need to have a plan for how to fix things and fight in a way that promotes learning and growth. He also mentions the work of experts in intimate relationships, such as Esther Perel and Terry Real, who emphasize the importance of repair in maintaining healthy relationships. In conclusion, Bungay Stanier highlights the power of asking good questions and listening attentively in conversations. He encourages people to slow down, stay curious, and focus on building meaningful connections with others. By doing so, individuals can become more magnetic and create deeper, more fulfilling relationships in both their personal and professional lives.