Relationship Experts Debate the 5 Hidden Signs of Cheating! | Matthew Hussey & Sadia Khan

Added: Jul 9, 2024

Signs of Potential Cheating or Betrayal

Sadia Khan emphasizes that there are often warning signs early in relationships that can indicate a person's propensity for cheating or betrayal later on. She states that in her experience working with clients, "9 times out of 10" there were red flags present before marriage that signaled the person was capable of having simultaneous connections with multiple people. Some key signs she mentions are: the person was in another relationship when you met them, they went directly from one relationship to another without ever being single, or there were inconsistencies in their stories and behavior that indicated dishonesty.

Khan argues that while the person who cheats is ultimately responsible for their actions, the partner who was cheated on also bears some responsibility for ignoring these early warning signs. She emphasizes the importance of paying attention to a potential partner's character and past behavior patterns during the selection process. Matthew Hussey pushes back somewhat on this view, noting that there are very skilled liars and manipulators who can hide their true nature for a long time. He cautions against always blaming the victim of cheating for not seeing the signs.

The Importance of Communication and Vulnerability

Both experts stress how crucial open, honest communication is for healthy relationships. They discuss how many relationship problems stem from an inability or unwillingness to have difficult conversations. Hussey notes that "your life improves in direct proportion to the number of hard conversations you're willing to have." He encourages people to get into the habit of having challenging conversations early in relationships.

The experts talk about how important it is to communicate needs, desires, and boundaries clearly. Khan emphasizes asking direct questions about deal-breakers like "What would cause you to divorce me?" or "What would cause you to cheat?" early on. Hussey adds that it's valuable to go through some hard times together before fully committing, as that allows you to evaluate how you function as a team during challenges.

They also discuss the need for vulnerability and emotional intimacy. Khan notes that many men struggle to express their true sexual desires to long-term partners out of fear of judgment. This can lead to seeking fulfillment outside the relationship. She encourages having open conversations about sexual needs and fantasies.

Taking Responsibility vs. Self-Compassion

An interesting debate emerges between the experts around the concepts of taking responsibility for one's choices versus practicing self-compassion. Khan emphasizes the importance of self-accountability and "self-respect," which she defines as making responsible, productive decisions in all areas of life. She argues this self-respect is more fundamental than self-love or self-compassion.

Hussey pushes back on this, stating that self-compassion is actually the foundation that allows for true accountability and growth. He argues that without self-compassion, people can get stuck in cycles of self-hatred and tyranny that don't actually lead to positive change. He emphasizes that self-compassion is especially crucial on days when we fall short of our ideals.

The two experts go back and forth on this topic at length. Khan worries that too much self-compassion could lead to making excuses for poor behavior in oneself and others. Hussey counters that true self-compassion actually motivates positive action rather than complacency. Ultimately, they agree that both self-compassion and accountability are important, but disagree somewhat on which should come first or be emphasized more.

Gender Differences in Cheating

Khan notes that in her experience, women actually cheat more often than men in long-term relationships. She attributes this partly to women being more attuned to signs of cheating in their partners, while men are often more naive about the possibility of their female partners cheating. Hussey adds that in his experience, women who cheat often do so because they've selected a partner who doesn't challenge them or command their respect.

The Importance of Selection

Both experts emphasize how crucial the partner selection process is. Khan repeatedly states that most relationship problems can be traced back to poor selection - choosing someone whose character and values don't align with your own. Hussey agrees that selection is key, but cautions against always blaming oneself for not seeing warning signs, as some people are very skilled at deception.

Sexual Deprivation in Long-Term Relationships

The experts discuss how sexual deprivation can be a major factor leading to cheating, especially for men. They talk about how difficult it can be for long-term partners to have vulnerable conversations about changing sexual needs and desires. Khan encourages couples to revisit conversations about sex regularly throughout the relationship.

The Dangers of Excessive Self-Compassion

While Hussey is a strong proponent of self-compassion, Khan raises some interesting counterpoints about potential downsides. She worries that too much self-compassion could lead to complacency or making excuses for bad behavior. She emphasizes the need to balance compassion with accountability and action.

Building Self-Esteem Through Action

Khan talks about how taking responsible, productive actions is key to building genuine self-esteem and self-respect. She argues this is more fundamental than self-love or indulgence. Hussey agrees that doing hard things builds self-esteem, but maintains that self-compassion is the foundation that allows for sustainable growth and change.

Accepting Your Partner Fully

The host emphasizes the importance of fully accepting your partner for who they are before committing long-term. He cautions against entering marriage expecting the other person to fundamentally change. The experts agree that having realistic expectations and accepting your partner's flaws is key.

Preparing for a Healthy Long-Term Relationship

Towards the end of the conversation, the experts offer advice on how to set oneself up for a healthy long-term relationship or marriage. Khan suggests three key things to consider:

1. Examine your motivations - Are you using this person to heal past wounds or boost your status? Or do you genuinely want to build a life with them?

2. Commit to honest communication about needs - Are you willing to express your needs and listen to theirs?

3. Consider worst-case scenarios - How would you both behave if the relationship ended? Could you divorce amicably if needed?

Hussey adds several additional points:

1. Assess if the connection is built on fundamentals beyond just attraction

2. Work on accepting yourself before entering the relationship

3. Go through some hard times together to evaluate how you function as a team

4. Get in the habit of having challenging conversations

The host also suggests getting clear on your vision for the relationship and fully accepting both yourself and your partner before committing long-term.

Conclusion

Overall, the conversation provides a wealth of insights on building healthy relationships and avoiding common pitfalls. While the experts disagree on some points, they align on core principles like the importance of open communication, shared values, and intentional partner selection. Their debate around self-compassion versus accountability highlights the complexity of these issues and the need for nuanced approaches.

The discussion underscores how crucial it is to do inner work and develop strong self-awareness before entering serious relationships. By understanding our own needs, values, and patterns, we're better equipped to select compatible partners and navigate challenges together. The experts' emphasis on having difficult conversations early and often was also a key takeaway for fostering intimacy and trust.

Ultimately, the conversation reinforces that building a healthy long-term relationship requires ongoing effort, intentionality, and growth from both partners. While there's no perfect formula, focusing on open communication, aligned values, mutual acceptance, and balancing compassion with accountability provides a strong foundation. By applying these principles and remaining committed to personal growth, couples can create fulfilling partnerships that stand the test of time.