You Don’t Want To Learn This On Your Deathbed – The Top Regrets of the Dying | Bronnie Ware

The Power of Saying No

The conversation begins with a crucial question that many listeners can relate to: how do we get better at saying no? Bronnie emphasizes that mastering the art of saying no without guilt is a form of deep self-care and kindness — vital to preventing burnout and preserving both our well-being and energy. Because humans innately crave connection, acceptance, and love, saying no can feel risky, as it might upset others or lead to rejection. However, Bronnie highlights that life rewards courage. Each act of saying no creates space to focus on what truly matters, opening unexpected doors and opportunities in ways we cannot anticipate. She draws from her experiences with patients who regretted not saying no, pointing out that setting boundaries is foundational to living authentically, serving one's life purpose, and honoring sacred time and energy, especially when faced with the undeniable reality of mortality.

The Sacredness of Time

Central to Bronnie's message is the awareness of death's inevitability and the uncertainty of how much time any of us have. This realization, while understandably scary, is a powerful motivator to reprioritize our lives and shed the fear of offending others. The sacredness of time and energy demands that we protect it fiercely, even if it means accepting the possibility of being misunderstood or disliked. Bronnie recounts the story of one patient, Grace, who lived trapped by societal and family expectations, never pursuing her own simple dreams before being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Grace's tearful plea to Bronnie — to live a life true to herself rather than what others expected — became a pivotal, life-changing vow for Bronnie herself. The poignancy of Grace's regret offers both heartbreak and hope: it illustrates what many face at life's edge but also inspires the living to take courageous steps now.

The Call to Slow Down

Bronnie discusses how modern life, with its relentless busyness and societal pressures, is inherently dysfunctional. The chronic stress and health crises that so many experience worldwide underscore the urgent need to slow down and reconnect with nature and one's own body rhythms. She advocates for "slow living" and deep rest beyond mere sleep, encouraging alignment with nature's cycles. For Bronnie, slowing down is not about stagnation or limiting growth but about recognizing enoughness — the sense that one's life in the present moment can be enough. When we stop chasing external approval or trying to control everything out of fear, life itself begins to unfold more easily, sometimes providing unexpected shortcuts toward our goals. She admits that this was a hard-earned lesson after growing up in a critical, controlling family environment where she was discouraged for pursuing creative dreams, but moving toward living more authentically has granted her freedom and joy.

Overcoming Childhood Conditioning

Drawing on her personal history, Bronnie explains how familial and societal conditioning can trap people in lives that don't reflect their true selves. For her, growing up with a domineering and critical father who was himself unfulfilled introduced harsh narratives about worth and success. Yet, these painful family dynamics also fueled her determination to break free and pursue creativity. She stresses that living authentically requires immense courage and often involves pain because it demands rewriting long-held stories and risking rejection or upheaval in relationships. Still, the alternative — living a life dictated by others' expectations until the very end — is far more painful and filled with regret.

Reflections on Work

Bronnie reveals that one of the most common regrets she heard was from people wishing they had not worked so hard. While financial pressures often drove this relentless toil, many realized in hindsight that their lives could have been simplified, and that work had become so entwined with their identity that leaving it felt like losing themselves. Bronnie acknowledges the comfort and validation work can provide but warns that it can also limit happiness. She offers hope by reminding us that no skill is wasted — talents developed in one chapter of life often support us in unexpected ways in the next. Letting go of work-driven identity can open the door to more joy and fulfillment.

The Importance of Honest Communication

The dialogue touches on how much time is wasted overthinking or avoiding difficult conversations, particularly when addressing relationships or work situations. Bronnie relates this hesitation to a desire for control that is ultimately born from fear. She encourages embracing uncertainty, surrendering control, and trusting that clarity and solutions often surface when we let go and allow life to breathe. The hands-on lessons she learned from her patients stress the power of deep listening and honest expression — crucial skills that facilitate healing and connection.

The Greater Intelligence of Life

When asked about the "greater intelligence" guiding our lives, Bronnie speaks from both spiritual and personal experience. Raised in a deeply religious environment but shaped by a journey through skepticism, Buddhism, and psychedelic healing, she ultimately sees this intelligence as divine love — a force teaching connection, kindness, and joy. Her experiences with patients at the end of life reinforce her belief that there is more beyond the physical world, a notion supported by near-death experience research. This understanding invites us to cultivate love and belonging here and now.

Courage to Express Feelings

Many patients expressed regret over not having had the courage to express their feelings openly, often resulting in loneliness and unresolved pain. Bronnie shares a particularly poignant story of a patient, Joseph, who died isolated from his family, unable to speak about his impending death due to their denial. Bronnie connects this with her own life, explaining how silence once felt like safety in her critical family but how, ultimately, speaking up became a healing act that reshaped her relationships and created new boundaries. Though painful, learning to express oneself authentically can shift unhealthy family dynamics and foster respect and kindness.

The Regret of Losing Connection

Another major regret Bronnie encountered involves losing touch with friends. For many, the desire to reconnect reflects wanting to revisit parts of themselves and their pasts that extended beyond roles such as parenthood. True friendship brings joy, lightness, and unconditional presence that families sometimes cannot provide at life's end. Bronnie stresses that maintaining friendships often requires forgiveness and emotional maturity, and though not every friendship lasts, many are worth the effort to repair and nurture. Real-life connection holds an irreplaceable power for well-being, identity, and happiness.

Choosing Happiness Amidst Suffering

The final regret, "I wish I had let myself be happier," captures a common theme of letting external expectations or shame dominate one's life. Bronnie points out that suffering is a natural part of growth, but how long we stay stuck in it is a choice. Choosing happiness is not about denying hardship but rather about cultivating gratitude and presence despite it. Simple acts — watching a bird, spending time in nature, daydreaming — can offer moments of joy and reprieve. Bronnie encourages a commitment to presence and gratitude as pathways to embracing happiness as an accessible and powerful choice.

Letting Go of Judgment

Toward the end of the interview, Bronnie offers a valuable practice for those reflecting on their own regrets. Rather than judging past mistakes harshly, she advocates compassion for our former selves, understanding that mistakes are essential for learning and growth. Recognizing that regrets arise from rigid self-judgment rather than from the mistakes themselves can help loosen their painful grip. She reminds listeners that courage and kindness are enough to live well, even with imperfections.