The #1 Mindset Shift to Turn Unexpected Change Into the Biggest UPGRADE of Your Life

In this podcast episode, host Jay and guest Dr. Maya Shankar engage in a deeply insightful conversation about how humans experience and cope with change—both chosen and unforeseen. Drawing on personal stories, cognitive science research, and practical wisdom from Dr. Shankar's book The Other Side of Change, the discussion explores the challenges unexpected changes bring, why they shake our sense of identity, and how shifting our mindset can transform these upheavals into opportunities for growth and renewal.

The Dual Nature of Change

Dr. Shankar opens by distinguishing between two kinds of change: the changes we choose and those that choose us. The latter often hits abruptly, bringing feelings of loss, fear, and disorientation. She highlights a universal experience—pondering why tough events happen "now" or "to me"—which triggers a deep existential uncertainty. Her own journey began as a violin prodigy whose career was ended by injury, introducing her earliest confrontation with the harsh realities of unexpected change and loss. This personal history grounds the conversation in the emotional and psychological turmoil such disruptions cause, especially when they threaten core aspects of identity.

Control, Identity, and the Illusion of Fairness

A key insight from Dr. Shankar's work is how humans crave control and believe in a fair, input-output universe, where good actions yield good results. This belief provides comfort but shatters when unforeseen, uncontrollable events occur. She explains that people with an internal locus of control—those who feel they shape their own outcomes—generally enjoy higher well-being. Yet, when life "drops an anvil," this illusion collapses, resulting in grief not just over what is lost but over how it undermines one's sense of self. Dr. Shankar articulates how losing her violin was more than losing an instrument; it was losing a part of herself, a social belonging, and a source of self-worth.

Anchoring Self-Identity in "Why" Instead of "What"

To navigate change more fluidly, Dr. Shankar suggests anchoring identity not in "what" we do, but "why" we do it. By understanding the deeper emotional motivations behind our pursuits—whether service, connection, creativity, or mastery—we can preserve our core self even when external circumstances shift dramatically. She recounts how, despite her violin career ending, her underlying love for forging emotional connections found new outlets in podcasting and writing, helping her maintain continuity in identity and purpose.

Childhood Clues to Core Passions

Research shows we tend to anchor our self-worth in external roles and labels, partly because society socializes us to answer "What do you want to be?" rather than "Who do you want to be?" Dr. Shankar recommends revisiting childhood passions as a gateway to rediscovering our true "why." Childhood interests act as accessible markers for intrinsic motivations, often linked to our authentic selves beneath the layers of societal expectations and contingent self-esteem.

Facing Loss and Rebuilding Through Self-Affirmation

The conversation turns to managing moments of acute loss and grief. Dr. Shankar shares a powerful personal anecdote where a simple gratitude exercise, prompted by her husband, helped her combat the tunnel vision brought on by devastating pregnancy loss. This self-affirmation technique—listing meaningful aspects of life not threatened by the change—reduces anxiety and denial, contextualizes the hardship, and fosters resilience by reminding us of our multidimensional value beyond the immediate pain.

Change as Revelation and Opportunity for Reflection

A pivotal concept underlying Dr. Shankar's book is the idea that change serves as an "apocalypse" not only in the sense of an ending but as a revelation—a revealing of truths we hadn't previously confronted. Through change, we can question inherited, often unexamined beliefs about ourselves and the world. For example, Dr. Shankar reflects on challenging cultural stigmas and internalized limiting beliefs surrounding womanhood and motherhood, a transformation made possible by the space change created for introspection and growth.

The Power of Internal Transformation

Those who have endured significant hardship often emerge with renewed values, perspectives, and a redefined sense of self-worth. Dr. Shankar highlights that while no one welcomes illness or loss, the internal transformation sparked by these trials can bring about lasting positive change—new confidence, healed relationships, and a deeper understanding of one's life priorities. This nuanced view combats platitudes about silver linings by grounding gratitude in the growth experienced afterward rather than the painful events themselves.

The End of History Illusion and Our Capacity for Change

One cognitive bias Dr. Shankar discusses is the "end of history illusion," where people underestimate how much they will change in the future. While we recognize past growth distinctly, we falsely believe that the current version of ourselves will remain relatively fixed. This mindset can limit adaptability. In contrast, understanding that we are always evolving, particularly following major change, empowers us to embrace new roles and identities and fosters resilience by normalizing transformation as part of the human experience.

Applying Science to Live Change More Fully

Dr. Shankar practices what she preaches, recounting how she used the strategies from her own book during a difficult health crisis in her family. By revisiting scientific research on managing anxiety, rumination, and uncertainty, she could better navigate her emotional ups and downs. This honest admission underscores the importance of ongoing effort and humility in managing change—it's not a one-time fix but a lifelong process.

Social Validation and Why It's Hard to Let Go

The episode highlights the difficulty in detaching self-worth from external validation, an almost universal struggle. Our culture constantly sends signals that worth must be justified through achievement, relationships, or status. A story shared in the conversation involves a woman who faced job loss just before a milestone birthday and promotion announcement, revealing how deeply intertwined identity and external markers often are. Dr. Shankar's work offers a roadmap to recalibrate this dynamic.

Cultivating Resilience Through Challenging Change

Resilience is presented not as a fixed trait but as a malleable skill enhanced by perspective shifts. By recognizing that change reveals both challenges and possibilities, people can approach adversity as an opportunity to re-evaluate and update beliefs and values. Dr. Shankar's interviewees illustrate how reframing trauma as a gateway to insight and growth leads to a more resilient mindset and the ability to thrive post-change.

Embracing Discomfort as Growth

The discussion closes with a forward-looking perspective encouraging intentional exposure to manageable change and discomfort as a way to build resilience muscle. Dr. Shankar cites advice from Michael Lewis and principles from brain plasticity research, suggesting that stepping out of comfort zones, such as learning new skills or taking improv classes, flexes cognitive and emotional capacities. This approach counters the modern desire for maximal ease and control, proposing instead that seeking uncertainty can be a source of vitality and adaptation.

Practical Mindset Shifts for Navigating Change

In final quickfire questions, Dr. Shankar advises being present and fully attentive when with others as a starting change, caring less about the opinions of those you don't respect, and cultivating patience with oneself. She also emphasizes the importance of listening deeply in relationships to avoid imposing one's worldview and finding common ground. These practical steps underscore that resilience and adaptation are grounded in everyday awareness, caring connection, and self-compassion.

Personal Growth Through Change

Throughout the dialogue, Dr. Shankar exemplifies how transformative change reshapes our understanding of happiness, identity, and purpose. Despite unmet personal goals, such as motherhood, she articulates a profound sense of joy and wholeness that has emerged through acceptance, reframing, and uncovering new pathways of meaning. Her story reinforces that even the most painful disruptions can lead to unexpected and profound upgrades in our lives.