KERRY WASHINGTON On The Family Secret That Changed Her Life: ”We’re as sick as our secrets”

Added: Sep 25, 2023

Washington discusses the courage and strength that women of color, especially black women, have had to develop throughout history. She explains that they have always been working women, resilient and strong out of necessity. While there is generational trauma in her family's history, Washington also recognizes the generational courage and strength that has been passed down to her. She believes it is important to embrace both aspects of her heritage.

The conversation then delves into Washington's experience with panic attacks, which she first started experiencing at the age of seven. She describes the physical sensations of dread, heat, and fear that accompanied these attacks. At that young age, she didn't have the language to understand what was happening, but she tried to counteract the panic by forcing herself to think positive thoughts. Washington believes that her panic attacks were a result of feeling emotionally unsafe and not being given the full truth about her family. She reflects on the importance of emotional safety and the impact it has on one's well-being.

The discussion then shifts to Washington's career as an actress and how it provided her with a safe space to express her truth. She explains that she found solace in playing characters who allowed her to hide behind a mask while also revealing aspects of herself. Acting became a way for her to navigate and express her emotions, especially since she felt limited in her ability to do so in her personal life. Washington acknowledges the healing and transformative power of acting and how it allowed her to develop emotional vocabulary and a willingness to feel and express her emotions.

Washington opens up about her ongoing struggle with the business side of acting and the pressure to constantly perform and compete. She shares her desire to find a balance between the creative craft of acting and the challenges of the industry. Washington also discusses her journey of self-acceptance and the need to redefine success on her own terms. She emphasizes the importance of living her own story and not comparing herself to others or conforming to societal standards of success.

The conversation takes a personal turn as Washington reveals a family secret that she learned at the age of 41. She shares that her parents informed her that her biological father is actually a sperm donor and not the man she had believed to be her father. This revelation came as a shock to Washington, but it also provided clarity and a sense of understanding about the disconnect she had always felt within her family. She describes it as a missing puzzle piece that finally fell into place, allowing her to have an honest and authentic understanding of her family history.

Washington reflects on the complexity of accepting two truths simultaneously. She acknowledges that while it was initially difficult to come to terms with the family secret, she also recognizes the beauty and love that exists within her family. She emphasizes that her father will always be her dad, regardless of biology, and that their bond is unbreakable. Washington credits her yoga practice for teaching her the importance of holding space for multiple truths and finding balance between strength and flexibility.

Washington explains that she learned the practice of surrender and commitment through yoga, which helped her tap into the surrender of each pose combined with the strength and commitment required. She draws parallels between this practice and her experience of embracing the truth of her family secret, highlighting the importance of embracing multiple truths and finding balance between different aspects of her identity.

She reflects on the complexity of her relationship with her biological father and her dad, who raised her, emphasizing that both individuals represent father energy in her life. She acknowledges the significance of both relationships and the need to embrace these truths as part of her life.

Washington also discusses the challenges she faced in accepting her indecisiveness and lack of critical thinking skills, but recognizes that these qualities are a part of her and should be embraced. She sees them as a part of her journey and a way to fully embody different characters in her acting career.

She shares that her quest for truth has led her to find multiple truths and that her journey of self-discovery has resulted in a deeper understanding of herself and the ability to tell her own truth. She acknowledges that her parents have their own truth, and while it may differ from hers, it is no less valid.

Washington highlights the importance of embracing vulnerability and authenticity in relationships, particularly with her parents. She shares how the revelation of her family secret allowed her to show her father unconditional love and create a deeper level of intimacy and truth in their relationship.

She discusses the concept of holding pain and compassion simultaneously, emphasizing the importance of compassion for oneself and others. Washington believes that compassion allows for a deeper level of emotional truth and helps her navigate her relationships with others.

Washington reflects on the fear and shame her mother must have experienced while carrying the secret of her biological father, and how this fear and shame affected her own sense of self. She recognizes that the emotional distance she felt from her parents was not her fault, but rather a result of their efforts to protect her from the truth.

She expresses gratitude for her parents' decision to choose artificial insemination over adoption, as it led to her existence. She acknowledges that their pride and secrecy played a role in her conception and is grateful for the opportunity to tell her own story and claim her own narrative.

Washington discusses her intention to be private in her career and her decision to be more open about her family secret. She recognizes the importance of transparency and not perpetuating a lie, and hopes that sharing her story will help others feel less alone in their own family secrets.

She acknowledges the healing power of sharing family secrets and the impact it can have on individuals and their relationships. Washington believes that everyone deserves to be their true selves and to be loved unconditionally, and hopes that her story will inspire others to embrace their own truths.

In the final part of the podcast, Washington and Jay Shetty discuss their experiences in India and the impact it had on their spiritual journeys. Washington expresses her love for India and her desire to return with her family. She reflects on the deep sense of spirituality she felt in India and the importance of being present and grounded in the moment.

Washington seeks advice from Jay Shetty on how to navigate her upcoming book tour, and he advises her to prioritize her health and well-being and to be present with the love and support she receives from her fans. He shares his own experiences on tour and emphasizes the importance of taking in the love and allowing oneself to be nurtured by it.

Washington continues by discussing the family secret that inspired her memoir. She reveals that she discovered she had a half-sister when she was a teenager, which was a shock to her and her family. This revelation led her to question her identity and the stories she had been told about her family. She emphasizes the importance of confronting family secrets and the impact they can have on one's life.

The conversation then shifts to the theme of spirituality and its role in Washington's life. She describes her spiritual journey as a constant seeking of truth and connection to something greater than herself. Washington believes that every aspect of life, even the chaotic and vibrant parts, is connected to God. She strives to live her life fully and authentically, guided by her spiritual beliefs.

Washington also discusses the importance of living a life that is not solely focused on material gain or personal success. She believes that true fulfillment comes from living a life that is connected to God and serving a higher purpose. She emphasizes the need to live with compassion, empathy, and a sense of community.

The conversation then turns to the topic of prayer and meditation. Washington shares that prayer and meditation are essential practices in her life. She views prayer as a way to surrender and invite help from a higher power. She also mentions that there is no right or wrong way to pray, and her prayer practices vary depending on her circumstances and mood.

Next, Washington reflects on the best and worst advice she has received. The best advice she has received is to pray and meditate, as it helps her connect to something greater and reminds her to be humble. On the other hand, the worst advice she has received is the belief that she needs to be someone other than herself to be loved and accepted. She emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and self-love.

When asked about her current purpose, Washington states that her purpose is to hold space for her own truths and the truths of others. She aims to create a sense of community and belonging by embracing vulnerability and creating a safe space for others to share their stories.

Washington also discusses the beliefs and values she is trying to unlearn. She mentions that she is working to unlearn the belief that she is not enough and the belief that she is less important and deserving than others. She emphasizes the importance of valuing oneself and not sacrificing one's own needs and desires for the sake of others.

Finally, Washington is asked to create one law that everyone in the world must follow. She suggests that everyone should be required to undergo compassion and empathy training. She believes that cultivating empathy and compassion can help address societal issues and prevent abuse and suffering.