Body Language Expert: "If You Get Anxious Around People, WATCH THIS!" (Command Instant Respect)

The Confidence Cycle and Authenticity

Vanessa explains that confidence operates as a positive cycle: the more confident we feel, the better we come across, which in turn strengthens our confidence. However, she highlights a common obstacle—overthinking social cues and misinterpreting neutral signals as negative, which can severely undermine one's self-esteem. This insight points to the importance of recognizing and correctly interpreting the cues others send.

A critical takeaway is the idea of finding one's unique "flavor" of confidence rather than forcing oneself into an extroverted mold. Society often idolizes the outgoing, bubbly personality as the epitome of confidence and likability, but Vanessa debunks this myth by emphasizing different types of charismatic people, such as quiet, powerful introverts or nurturing, empathetic individuals. Authenticity is key. She cites Dr. Barbara Wild's research, which distinguished between genuine smiles—those that engage the eyes—and fake smiles, underscoring how authentic expressions not only boost our own confidence but also infect others positively. Conversely, faking confidence is less impactful and even counterproductive.

Microexpressions and the Power of Contempt

Vanessa brings attention to subtle but potent microexpressions, particularly contempt, which she identifies as a universal facial cue misread by many as ambivalence or boredom. Drawing on the celebrated work of Dr. John Gottman, she shares that contemptuous expressions like a one-sided mouth raise predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. Unlike transient emotions such as anger or fear, contempt festers and breeds negativity, making early recognition vital.

The podcast also discusses the eye roll, a common but destructive body language sign associated with contempt, especially when paired with scoffing. Vanessa encourages using awareness of these cues as opportunities—not threats—to open communication channels with others. Acknowledging and gently addressing contemptuous cues can deepen understanding and connection rather than allowing resentment to grow silently.

Nonverbal Communication – The Majority of Our Message

One of the most powerful revelations Vanessa shares is the overwhelming importance of nonverbal communication, which accounts for approximately 65 to 90 percent of human interaction. While we often obsess over finding the right words, it's how we say those words—our tone, gesture, posture, and facial expressions—that truly determines how we are received.

She cites research involving surgeons which found that perceived warmth and competence conveyed through voice tone drastically affected malpractice lawsuits, suggesting that people subconsciously evaluate professionals on these dimensions in the first few seconds of interaction. Warmth relates to friendliness, trustworthiness, and safety, while competence signals ability, efficiency, and reliability. Charisma, Vanessa explains, is essentially the right blend of warmth and competence, answering the primal human questions: "Can I trust you?" and "Can I rely on you?"

Charisma Versus Confidence

Vanessa carefully distinguishes charisma from confidence, noting that confidence inherently arises from the authentic knowledge that one possesses both warmth and competence. While it is possible to feign charisma temporarily, genuine confidence emerges when a person truly feels likable and capable internally. Those who master this balance exude an irresistible appeal that invites others to both trust them personally and seek their expertise.

Practical Tips for Enhancing Warmth and Competence

Vanessa emphasizes that charisma is like a thermostat that can be dialed up or down by adjusting specific cues. For example, to increase warmth, simple actions like a slow triple nod or a head tilt when listening can make conversations more engaging and encourage others to open up. For those naturally warm but viewed as less authoritative, adopting expansive postures, raising one's head, and showing open palms can signal competence and confidence physically, resembling the body language athletes use in victory.

She stresses the importance of sending clear, consistent cues, as underexpressing can be misinterpreted as aloofness or disinterest. Referencing the "still-face experiment," Vanessa illustrates how lack of expressiveness can lead to discomfort and miscommunication even in infants, which extrapolates to adult interactions as well.

Teaching Cues and Restoring Human Connection

Vanessa draws a parallel between learning nonverbal cues and learning a foreign language. Just as vocabulary and grammar must be studied and practiced to become fluent, people need to learn to recognize and express cues for better social understanding. Unfortunately, modern education and societal structures often prioritize verbal communication in settings such as classrooms and work environments, leading to a decay in our natural ability to read face-to-face cues. She suggests naming and pointing out cues to children and adults as a means to cultivate fluency, fostering belonging and deeper connection.

Protocols for Success in Professional and Social Settings

Using the example of a doctor's patient interaction, Vanessa proposes a nonverbal protocol to set the stage for successful engagements. She highlights the importance of the very first moment of contact—even before words are exchanged. Authentic eye contact, an open and broad posture, and slow, intentional gestures like a handshake or a welcoming nod can chemically induce oxytocin production, promoting trust and rapport instantly. Walking alongside someone instead of ahead can foster comfortable mirroring, increasing connection and engagement.

Vanessa also touches on the effect of electronic communication, noting that warmth cues are often lost in emails and texts, which can lead to misinterpretations or cold impressions. She advocates for the thoughtful use of warm words, emojis, and expressions of humanity even in brief messages to enhance engagement and collaborative spirit.

The Health Impact of Communication

Vanessa connects effective communication with wellbeing, noting that social anxiety and miscommunication can lead to heightened cortisol and adrenaline levels, disturbed sleep, and unhealthy coping behaviors. She relates her own experience as an overthinker who would ruminate over conversations, highlighting the physiological consequences of poor social interactions. Citing research on social pain, she explains that emotional rejection activates brain regions linked to physical pain, showing how deeply communication affects health.

Gender and Cultural Nuances

While many cues are universal, Vanessa acknowledges that culture and gender impact communication styles. Women often display higher warmth, and men may exhibit more competence cues by default, which influences perceptions in professional environments. Awareness of these tendencies allows for more conscious adjustments to ensure that warm trustworthiness and perceived competence are both clearly communicated regardless of gender.

Detecting Deception and The Role of Hands

Addressing the intriguing topic of lie detection, Vanessa refers to patterns such as nose touching, a physical manifestation of lying rooted in physiological responses. She illustrates this with the famous example of Bill Clinton's testimony during the Monica Lewinsky investigation, where he exhibited repeated nose touches while denying the affair. Another vocal cue to watch for is the "question inflection," where statements are made with a rising tone as if seeking validation, betraying uncertainty or deceit.

In an entertaining example from poker, Vanessa recounts how behavioral scientist Konakova won tournaments by focusing on players' hand gestures. Since expert players can mask facial and bodily cues, their hands betray fluidity or stiffness that indicates confidence or discomfort with their cards. Vanessa encourages purposeful, smooth gestures in everyday communication as a manifestation of competence.

Final Thoughts on Becoming Fluent and Leveraging Your Natural Strengths

Vanessa concludes with an empowering message: everyone already uses communication cues, and the goal is to recognize and enhance those that come naturally to us. Rather than forcing inauthentic behaviors, calling on cues from people we admire and feel energized by can help us grow our own authentic brand of charisma. The more aligned we are with our natural style, the more confident, warm, and compelling we will appear to others.