#1 Communication Expert: "If Someone Says THIS, They’re Trying to Control You!" – Protect Your Peace

Beyond misinterpretation, Fisher points out that many people struggle to be open and receptive during conversations. Defensive postures and the instinct to “win” disagreements often turn dialogues into competitions rather than opportunities for connection. This competitive mindset, he argues, is a recipe for poor communication, as it prioritizes dominance over understanding. The conversation, therefore, becomes less about mutual respect and more about asserting control, which ultimately damages relationships.

The Hidden Depths Beneath Surface Communication

Fisher emphasizes that what we hear in any conversation is merely the “tip of the iceberg.” The person we are speaking to is often carrying unseen burdens—stress, fears, or personal struggles—that color their words and tone. He stresses the importance of recognizing that the individual in front of us is not just the sum of their words but a complex being influenced by many unseen factors.

This perspective encourages a compassionate approach to communication, where instead of reacting with judgment or offense, we pause to consider the underlying causes of someone’s behavior. Fisher’s insight invites listeners to move beyond surface-level reactions and to cultivate curiosity about the deeper emotional or psychological context that shapes communication. This approach fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of conflict escalating unnecessarily.

The Legacy of Storytelling and the Power of Voice

Reflecting on his personal background, Fisher shares a vivid memory from childhood that shaped his understanding of communication’s power. Growing up in a family of trial attorneys, storytelling was a revered art form, and he was immersed in courtroom tales that captivated him as a young boy. This early exposure taught him that words are not just tools for conveying information but instruments of influence and connection.

He likens skilled communication to artistry, where tone, timing, and delivery can transform a simple story or joke into a compelling experience. This realization—that communication is both a craft and a legacy—has informed his career as a trial lawyer, podcaster, and author. Fisher’s narrative underscores that mastering one’s voice is essential not only for professional success but for meaningful human connection.

Communication as a Fundamental Human Need

Fisher discusses communication as a defining characteristic of humanity, essential for connection and survival. Drawing on examples from nature and human behavior, he explains that isolation is detrimental to mental and physical health. Even individuals with exceptional survival skills eventually seek out human contact because communication fulfills a deep-seated need for connection.

He argues that communication is not merely about exchanging words but about creating relationships and shared understanding. This need for connection explains why poor communication can lead to stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues. Fisher’s perspective broadens the conversation to include the vital role communication plays in overall well-being, making the case that improving communication skills is a pathway to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

The Three Core Principles of Effective Communication

Central to Fisher’s teaching are three principles: say it with control, say it with confidence, and say it to connect. The first principle, “say it with control,” involves managing oneself rather than trying to control others. Fisher explains that the instinct to dominate a conversation often backfires, whereas self-regulation leads to more productive dialogue. Controlling one’s breath, tone, and emotional responses sets the stage for influence and respect.

The second principle, “say it with confidence,” is about finding and using an assertive voice. Fisher challenges the common misconception that confidence must precede communication; instead, confidence emerges through the act of speaking assertively. The final principle, “say it to connect,” emphasizes the dual components of understanding and acknowledgment. True connection requires both hearing and validating the other person’s perspective, which fosters trust and openness.

Breath and Nervous System Regulation in Communication

Fisher highlights the often-overlooked role of breath in managing communication, especially during conflict. He notes that people frequently hold their breath when stressed or overwhelmed, which exacerbates anxiety and impairs clear thinking. By intentionally using breath—specifically a “conversational breath” involving a double inhale and slow exhale—individuals can calm their nervous system and maintain composure.

This physiological regulation allows for better presence and control in conversations, preventing emotional flooding and reactive outbursts. Fisher’s practical advice includes using breath as a tool to slow down responses, creating space for thoughtful and measured communication. This technique not only improves the quality of dialogue but also signals calmness and authority, making others more likely to listen.

The Importance of Self-Awareness and Emotional Scanning

Building on breath control, Fisher introduces the practice of a “quick scan” to assess one’s emotional state during conversations. This involves pausing to identify feelings such as defensiveness, anger, or overwhelm before responding. By naming these emotions aloud—using phrases like “I can tell I’m feeling upset”—individuals gain control over their reactions and communicate their state transparently.

This self-awareness serves as a powerful communication tool, signaling to others that one is engaged but also managing their emotions. It can defuse tension and invite empathy, as it shifts the focus from blame to shared understanding. Fisher stresses that this practice is applicable in both personal and professional contexts, helping to navigate difficult conversations with greater ease.

The Power and Pitfalls of Silence in Communication

Silence, Fisher explains, is a potent but double-edged tool in communication. Used intentionally, silence can create space for reflection, convey empathy, and prevent impulsive reactions. It allows the listener to process information and the speaker to choose their words carefully, enhancing the quality of the exchange.

However, silence can also be weaponized as stonewalling or punitive behavior, which damages relationships. Fisher cautions against using silence to punish or manipulate, distinguishing between constructive pauses and harmful withdrawal. When used wisely, silence empowers individuals to protect their peace and maintain control over conversations without escalating conflict.

Text-Based Misunderstandings

Fisher acknowledges the challenges posed by electronic communication, where tone and nuance are often lost. He shares a personal anecdote about a text exchange with his mother that was misinterpreted, illustrating how easily written words can be misconstrued. To mitigate this, he advises using voice calls when possible to convey emotional context and prevent misunderstandings.

When text or email is necessary, Fisher recommends concise, clear language and avoiding lengthy paragraphs that can overwhelm or confuse. He also suggests using phrases like “Did you mean…” to clarify intent and give the other person a chance to explain, reducing assumptions of negative intent. These strategies help maintain connection and reduce conflict in digital communication.

The Value of Speaking Directly and With Clarity

A significant theme in the conversation is the importance of directness in communication. Fisher argues that speaking directly does not equate to being harsh or unkind; rather, it reflects self-assurance and respect for both oneself and the other person. Clear, straightforward communication reduces anxiety and resentment by eliminating ambiguity and guesswork.

He contrasts this with cultural tendencies, such as in the UK, where politeness often leads to indirectness and over-apologizing. Fisher encourages listeners to embrace clarity and assertiveness, noting that direct communication is often kinder because it respects everyone’s time and emotional energy. This approach fosters trust and reduces the likelihood of misinterpretation.

Managing Ego, Fear, and the Desire to “Win” in Conversations

Fisher delves into the psychological drivers behind poor communication, identifying fear and ego as primary culprits. Fear of losing credibility, respect, or control often triggers defensive behaviors and the urge to “win” arguments. This competitive mindset undermines connection and leads to contempt rather than resolution.

He advocates for lowering the conversational bar from “I have to be right” to “I want to understand.” By shifting focus from winning to learning, individuals can engage more openly and reduce conflict. Fisher also highlights the importance of humility and the willingness to apologize first, which can defuse tension and preserve relationships over time.

Changing Minds and Building Compassionate Conversations

Finally, Fisher addresses the complex challenge of changing someone’s mind. He cautions against expecting immediate shifts in deeply held beliefs, noting that identity and upbringing heavily influence perspectives. Instead, he encourages patience, multiple conversations, and genuine curiosity about the other person’s reasons and experiences.

This compassionate approach prioritizes understanding over persuasion, fostering dialogue rather than debate. Fisher’s advice reframes communication as a long-term investment in relationships, where the goal is mutual respect and connection rather than quick victories. This mindset aligns with his broader message that better conversations lead to better lives.