Neuroscientist: “90% of People Never Learned This!” Start REWIRING Your Emotions! Dr. Marc Brackett

The Emotional Education Gap

Dr. Brackett reveals a startling statistic that 90% of people report never having had any formal education about emotions, with only about 7% receiving any such learning in schools. This lack of emotional education leaves many ill-equipped to understand or regulate their feelings effectively. Emotional intelligence, he emphasizes, should be taught with the same seriousness as reading, writing, and arithmetic because it is foundational to success and well-being.

He describes how emotional dysregulation can wreak havoc on individuals' relationships, careers, and mental health. Despite external markers of success—money, status, and achievements—people often feel incomplete, misunderstood, and overwhelmed by emotions they cannot effectively manage. This internal suffering frequently results in anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems. Dr. Brackett recounts his personal journey of struggling with emotional regulation until his thirties, despite outward success, and how learning to process and regulate emotions fundamentally changed his life.

Emotional Regulation

The discussion highlights the crucial role of emotional regulation as the number one skill for mastering life. Neuroscientists, athletes, leaders, and high achievers consistently name emotional regulation as central to their success. Yet many, like Dr. Brackett himself, lack this skill for much of their lives. Learning to name emotions precisely, pause before reacting, and use strategies such as meditation or boundary-setting is essential to avoid destructive patterns, such as outbursts, fights, or emotional withdrawal.

The pandemic underscored how fragile emotional regulation can be when everyday support systems disappear. Even experts in emotional intelligence found themselves overwhelmed. Dr. Brackett candidly shares his own experience during the pandemic—coping with disrupted routines, confined living conditions with his mother-in-law, and losing access to his usual coping tools like martial arts and yoga. This real-world challenge compelled him to invent new emotional regulation strategies, underscoring that emotional intelligence is a lifelong practice, not a static achievement.

The Power of Co-Regulation

In addition to self-regulation, Dr. Brackett explains how emotional intelligence involves "co-regulation" — the process of calming or supporting another person's emotional state. He describes this as an interaction akin to how caregivers soothe babies, but applied across all relationships. Being a good co-regulator requires empathy, compassion, active listening, and sometimes simply creating space for someone to calm down before problem solving.

He stresses that co-regulation is especially challenging when both people have heightened or dysregulated nervous systems, as often happens in parent-child relationships or intimate partnerships. In such situations, one person has to take responsibility for self-regulation first to set the tone for co-regulation. This approach requires an intentional "other orientation": thinking beyond oneself to support others' emotional well-being.

The Complex Role of Parenting

Dr. Brackett offers a nuanced critique of certain parenting trends, cautioning against "emotional indulgence" — where children are encouraged to dwell excessively on their feelings without being guided toward regulation or problem solving. He points out that true emotional intelligence means moving beyond merely expressing feelings to learning how to manage and respond to them constructively.

He stresses the importance of parents being role models in emotional regulation, monitoring their self-talk, and providing a non-judgmental, compassionate presence for children. This involvement includes helping them label emotions accurately, understand causes, and find healthy coping strategies rather than simply trying to fix problems or suppress feelings.

He also highlights that many of us grew up in emotionally unsafe environments marked by parental dysfunction, abuse, or neglect, which contributes to lifelong challenges in emotional regulation. Breaking these cycles requires conscious decisions, awareness, and intentional skill-building.

Emotional Intelligence

A striking insight Dr. Brackett shares is that academic talent or intelligence alone does not guarantee success or well-being. At institutions like Yale, many students experience high levels of anxiety, impostor syndrome, and feelings of being "manufactured" or disconnected from their authentic selves because someone else defined their path. Thus, emotional intelligence, including self-awareness and regulation, is often the missing factor that determines whether individuals truly thrive in life.

He explains that many successful people may have reached their positions through forcefulness or bullying, but the best long-term success comes from emotional skills — including the ability to inspire, collaborate, and lead with empathy. Emotional intelligence underpins not only personal well-being but also organizational culture, employee retention, and even predicting outcomes like sleep quality.

The Science of Emotions

Dr. Brackett outlines the core components of emotional intelligence, focusing on a model comprising five steps: recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions. Recognition involves being aware of one's own feelings or another's signals. Understanding means connecting emotions to their causes or themes, such as anxiety relating to uncertainty or anger involving perceived injustice.

Labeling emotions with precise words is vital as it creates granularity—helping differentiate between feeling "annoyed" versus "enraged" or "disappointed" versus "despair." This specificity makes emotions easier to manage and respond to effectively. Expression requires knowing what, how, and when to communicate emotions in different contexts to avoid misinterpretations or social harm.

Finally, regulation refers to managing emotions to avoid suppression or overindulgence. It does not mean eliminating feelings, but rather responding with awareness and choice. This process empowers individuals to take back control and live more fulfilling lives.

Building Emotional Intelligence

Beyond theory, Dr. Brackett emphasizes concrete strategies for developing emotional intelligence, including mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, and good sleep and physical activity habits, which all contribute biologically to better regulation.

He also promotes the importance of cultivating a self-compassionate mindset and seeking "emotional allies"—people with whom one can dialogue openly about feelings without judgment or quick fixes. These allies help with reappraisal and perspective shifts crucial for emotional growth.

For parents and leaders, he advocates for setting intentions about how they want to be perceived, practicing patience, and creating environments that foster psychological safety and constructive feedback.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

Dr. Brackett courageously opens up about his own experiences with childhood abuse, bullying, and emotional neglect. He explains how these painful early experiences shaped his nervous system and sense of self, leading to decades of internalized shame and dysregulation.

His healing journey began with a pivotal relationship with an uncle who engaged him in conversations about feelings long before the concept of emotional intelligence was popular. This personal transformation motivated his professional path, including co-creating school curricula and tools like the "How We Feel" app that helps people track and define over 140 emotions.

He challenges listeners to be "emotion scientists" in their own lives—curious, observant, and experimental in understanding emotional patterns. Breaking toxic cycles requires awareness, intentional practice, and often, external support.

Conclusion

When asked to share the three most important truths for life, Dr. Brackett summarizes them as: granting permission to feel, adopting an other-oriented mindset focused on supporting others' dreams, and embracing the impermanence of difficult emotions to continually move forward.

He defines greatness as the capacity to serve others through emotional leadership and authentic relationships. Ultimately, emotional intelligence is not a quick fix but a lifelong commitment that enhances learning, decision-making, relationships, physical and mental health, and goal attainment.

Dr. Brackett's vision is clear: emotional intelligence education must become integral to schooling, parenting, and leadership development worldwide. His compelling combination of personal story, scientific insight, and practical guidance makes a persuasive case that mastering emotions is the key to unlocking human potential in an increasingly complex world.