How To HEAL The #1 Pattern BLOCKING LOVE | Matthew Hussey

Added: Mar 21, 2024

Becoming the Right Person to Attract the Right Partner

Hussey challenges the idea that becoming the person you want to attract will automatically attract more people. He suggests that in order to attract the right person, individuals may need to give up their usual tactics for gaining attention. This could involve letting go of the need to impress others with physical appearance, humor, or achievements. Instead, he encourages individuals to focus on being intentional about the type of person they want to attract and to prioritize quality over quantity in relationships.

He highlights the importance of vulnerability in forming connections with others. Rather than trying to impress potential partners, Hussey suggests that being authentic and sharing personal stories or passions can create a more meaningful connection. By allowing oneself to be seen for who they truly are, individuals can attract partners who appreciate them for their genuine selves.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Impressing Others

Hussey shares a story from a TV show where a woman constantly laughed at her date's jokes, even when they weren't particularly funny. He points out that this behavior was a form of inauthenticity and lack of vulnerability. Instead of genuinely connecting with her date, she was trying to impress him by laughing excessively. Hussey advises against relying on superficial tactics to impress others and encourages individuals to focus on being themselves and sharing authentically.

He also discusses the tendency for some individuals to ask a lot of questions on dates without sharing much about themselves. This can create a one-sided dynamic where one person dominates the conversation while the other remains passive. He suggests that true vulnerability involves sharing personal stories, passions, or interests to create a more balanced and authentic interaction.

Understanding What Women Want in Relationships

Hussey addresses the common misconception that women are turned off by men who are too nice. He references a video where a woman expressed discomfort with men who are overly kind, suggesting that it can be a turnoff. However, he believes that the issue may lie in the authenticity of the gestures rather than the kindness itself. He questions the intentions behind elaborate gestures like researching a date's preferences, choosing a restaurant, and bringing flowers, suggesting that genuine connection should be the priority.

The Impact of Childhood Patterns on Adult Relationships

Hussey delves into the idea that our childhood experiences and the patterns we develop during that time can greatly influence our adult relationships. He explains that our nervous system can be wired in a certain way based on past experiences, leading us to seek out familiar patterns in our relationships. For example, if someone grew up in an environment where they had to constantly earn love and attention, they may be drawn to partners who exhibit similar behaviors of inconsistency and unpredictability.

The Fear of Hard Conversations

The conversation also touches upon the fear of having hard conversations in relationships. Hussey shares a personal anecdote about his own struggles with speaking up about his needs and desires in past relationships. He explains that the fear of upsetting his partner or facing potential conflict would often prevent him from expressing himself authentically. This fear stemmed from a deep-seated belief that he was responsible for others' emotions and happiness, leading to a pattern of self-sacrifice and self-neglect.

The Power of Vulnerability and Authenticity

Hussey highlights the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in relationships. He shares how he overcame his fear of having hard conversations by prioritizing his own needs and setting clear boundaries with his partner. By being honest and open about his desires, he was able to cultivate a deeper connection with his partner and create a more fulfilling relationship. He emphasizes that being true to oneself and expressing one's needs is essential for building a strong and healthy partnership.

Breaking Free from Destructive Patterns

The conversation also explores the idea that the past does not have to dictate the future of our relationships. Hussey encourages listeners to recognize and challenge their ingrained patterns and beliefs that may be hindering their ability to communicate effectively in relationships. By becoming more aware of these patterns and actively working to change them, individuals can break free from destructive cycles and create more fulfilling and authentic connections with their partners.

Regulating the Nervous System

Hussey highlights the work of Nicola Perez, who focuses on understanding the nervous system response and bodily sensations that can arise when facing difficult conversations. By detaching from the story that accompanies these sensations, individuals can better regulate their nervous system and approach the conversation from a place of calmness and clarity. This allows them to access a better story or reframing of the situation, which can lead to more effective communication.

Reframing and Better Stories

Hussey discusses the importance of reframing our mindset when approaching hard conversations. By shifting our perspective and viewing these conversations as practice for future interactions, we can reduce the fear and anxiety associated with them. He also emphasizes the need to connect with the pain of not having our needs met in past relationships, as this can serve as motivation to prioritize our own needs and communicate them effectively.

Mutual Needs and Reciprocity

Hussey stresses the importance of mutual needs and reciprocity in relationships. It is essential to communicate our needs while also considering the needs of our partner. By creating a balance of giving and receiving, we can foster a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Additionally, he encourages individuals to be mindful of patterns of overgiving and resentment, as these can indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed.

Choosing the Right Partner

When faced with an abundance of choices in potential partners, Hussey advises individuals to focus on who makes them feel most at home. Rather than being driven by ego or external factors, such as societal expectations or physical appearance, it is important to prioritize a sense of comfort and authenticity in the relationship. Chemistry is a prerequisite, but it should not be the sole determining factor in choosing a partner. Instead, finding someone who brings out the best in you and makes you feel like yourself is key to a successful and fulfilling relationship.

Personal Growth and Readiness

Hussey shares a personal anecdote about his relationship with his fiancée, highlighting the importance of personal growth and readiness for a committed partnership. He acknowledges that meeting his partner earlier in life would not have been as successful, as he needed time to regulate his nervous system, heal from past experiences, and develop a sense of safety and acceptance within himself. This journey of self-discovery and growth ultimately prepared him for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Self-Compassion and Acceptance

Hussey continues by addressing his 18-year-old self, acknowledging the struggles and insecurities he faced. He emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, stating that it's not his fault for feeling the way he does. He encourages his younger self to show kindness and understanding towards his own flaws and insecurities, recognizing that they are a response to life experiences and not a sign of brokenness. By offering self-compassion, Hussey believes that one can develop a deeper sense of self-acceptance and understanding.

Vulnerability and Connection

Another piece of advice Hussey would give his younger self is to share his vulnerabilities with others. He reflects on his past tendency to hide behind a facade of impressiveness, fearing judgment and rejection. However, he now understands the power of vulnerability in fostering genuine connections with others. By sharing his true self, flaws and all, Hussey believes that one can cultivate authentic relationships built on trust and understanding. He highlights the importance of being open and honest about one's struggles and insecurities, as this can lead to deeper connections and a greater sense of belonging.

Compassion for Others

Lastly, Hussey advises his younger self to have compassion for others and refrain from judging them based on surface-level observations. He acknowledges his past tendency to criticize and dismiss people for their perceived flaws, without considering the deeper wounds and struggles they may be facing. Through his own journey of self-compassion and acceptance, he has learned to extend the same empathy and understanding to others. By letting go of judgment and embracing compassion, he believes that one can foster a more loving and inclusive approach to relationships.

Hussey's New Book

In his book "Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What," Hussey delves deeper into these themes, offering practical advice and strategies for navigating the complexities of modern relationships. He explores the concept of settling not as a negative compromise but as a conscious choice to invest in and nurture a relationship over time. By redefining commitment as a dedication to a cause rather than an obligation that restricts freedom, Hussey encourages readers to approach relationships with a sense of purpose and intention.