3 Requirements of a Good Relationship | Mel Robbins
Added: Jul 22, 2024
In this podcast episode, Mel Robbins discusses three fundamental truths about adult relationships that can lead to more harmony and peace when embraced. The first truth is "If they wanted to, they would." Adults generally only do what they feel like doing, so if someone isn't making a change you want them to make, it's because they don't truly want to or aren't ready. The second truth is that you can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are personally ready and motivated to do so. The third truth is to stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Accepting people as they are, rather than judging them for not meeting your expectations, leads to better relationships.
Robbins emphasizes that these truths apply to everyone, including ourselves. She encourages listeners to have humility and compassion when dealing with others who aren't doing what we want them to do. It's important to check if frustration is coming from a place of caring or from judgment. Understanding and being compassionate are acts of love, while judging others often stems from a place of superiority.
The Six-Month Rule for Dealing with Wallowing
To address the issue of people who constantly complain or "wallow," Robbins introduces the six-month rule. This rule allows people six months to process difficult situations like divorce, job loss, or other challenging circumstances. After six months, it's appropriate to set a boundary and no longer be available as a sounding board for their complaints. This approach doesn't try to change the person but instead changes what you're available for in the relationship.
Robbins stresses that this boundary comes from a place of love and support. By refusing to engage with continued negativity, you're actually supporting the person's potential for growth and transformation. When the person is truly ready to change, they will, because that ties back to the first truth - if they wanted to, they would.
The Impact of Personal Change on Relationships
Robbins discusses how personal changes can affect relationships, using examples from her own life and marriage. When one person in a relationship makes a significant change, it creates ripples that impact others, whether intentional or not. This is because relationships are built on overlapping patterns and shared energy. When one person changes their patterns or energy, it inevitably affects the relationship dynamic.
Importantly, Robbins points out that personal changes often confront rather than inspire others. When someone close to us makes a positive change, it can make us question our own choices and behaviors. This confrontation can lead to resistance or judgment from others, as it's often easier to question the person making the change than to examine our own lives.
My Side Bias and Resistance to Change
Robbins introduces the concept of "my side bias," a cognitive bias that affects everyone regardless of intelligence or education. This bias causes people to argue for their own perspective, even in the face of contradictory evidence. It can prevent openness to new ideas or possibilities for change.
Research shows that when people feel a change is being forced upon them or they're being lectured, only about 3% will actually change. However, when people believe the idea for change came from themselves, the success rate jumps to 37%. This underscores the importance of not trying to force change on others, but instead creating an environment where they can come to their own realizations and decisions.
Strategies for Supporting Change in Others
To support positive changes in others without causing resistance, Robbins suggests several strategies:
1. Apologize if your enthusiasm has made others feel judged or less than.
2. Invite participation but don't force it or lecture about it.
3. Ask questions to open up dialogue, such as "Why does this bother you?" or "What about what I'm doing inspires you?"
4. Focus on your own journey rather than trying to change others.
5. Lead by example without pressuring others to follow.
Robbins uses an example from her own marriage, where her husband Chris made significant lifestyle changes without pressuring her to do the same. His focus on his own happiness and well-being ultimately inspired Robbins to consider making changes herself, demonstrating the power of leading by example.
The Importance of Protecting Your Energy
Robbins emphasizes the importance of protecting your own energy when dealing with others' resistance to change. By focusing on your own journey and not getting caught up in trying to change others, you can create more peace in your life. This approach allows you to maintain your positive momentum while giving others the space to make their own decisions about change.
Personal Responsibility and Growth
Throughout the podcast, Robbins reinforces the idea that each person is responsible for their own happiness and growth. While we can't control others' actions or choices, we can control our own responses and focus on our personal development. By bringing more understanding and compassion to our relationships and letting go of the need to change others, we can create happier, more fulfilling lives for ourselves.
Robbins encourages listeners to share the podcast with others as a way of indirectly inspiring change. When people listen to the podcast on their own, they're more likely to feel that the ideas for change are coming from within themselves, which increases the likelihood of actually making positive changes.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Mel Robbins provides valuable insights into adult relationships and personal growth. By understanding and accepting the three truths about adult relationships, implementing strategies like the six-month rule for dealing with negativity, and focusing on our own journey rather than trying to change others, we can create more harmonious relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. The podcast emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, compassion, and personal responsibility in navigating the complexities of adult relationships and personal growth.
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