No.1 Couples Therapist: This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce

Added: Mar 11, 2024

Changing Expectations in Dating

Gottlieb explains that in today's society, there is a growing emphasis on finding a partner who can fulfill all emotional needs and be a soulmate. This shift has led to unrealistic expectations, with many individuals seeking perfection in a partner. She mentions studies that show a preference for specific physical attributes, such as height, and the desire for a partner who can be both strong and sensitive. These high expectations can make it difficult for individuals to find a suitable match.

The Importance of Character Qualities

Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of looking beyond physical attributes and focusing on character qualities when seeking a partner. She mentions qualities like flexibility, emotional generosity, and emotional stability as key factors in a successful relationship. These qualities contribute to a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling partnership.

The Impact of Social Media and Online Dating

Gottlieb discusses how social media and dating apps have influenced modern dating behavior. She notes that the abundance of options on dating apps can lead to a mentality of constantly searching for the next best thing, rather than investing time in getting to know a potential partner. This can result in missed opportunities for meaningful connections.

Revisionist History in Relationships

Gottlieb shares insights from a longitudinal study that found people in happy relationships often have a revised memory of their initial interactions with their partners. They may recall feeling immediate chemistry or connection, even if their initial impressions were more neutral. On the other hand, individuals who end up in unsuccessful relationships may remember red flags or lack of attraction from the start. This highlights the role of perception and memory in shaping relationship dynamics.

The Importance of a Second Date

Gottlieb acknowledges the challenges faced by individuals with high expectations in dating. She suggests giving potential partners a chance beyond the first date, even if initial chemistry is not overwhelming. By focusing on getting to know the person and building a connection over time, individuals may discover compatibility and potential for a meaningful relationship.

Satisficers and Maximizers

Gottlieb talks about the concept of satisficers and maximizers in dating, where satisficers are individuals who are content with making a choice that meets their standards, while maximizers constantly seek the best option and often end up feeling less satisfied. She emphasizes the importance of having high standards but also being able to make a decision and be happy with it.

Gottlieb mentions that women tend to be maximizers more than men. She explains that women often have high standards but may struggle to find a partner who meets those standards, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction. She also discusses how individuals may have subconscious preferences based on their past experiences, such as seeking out partners who replicate patterns from their childhood.

Challenges for Successful Women in Dating

Gottlieb addresses the challenges faced by successful women, particularly those over 30, in the dating world. She notes that societal expectations around gender roles and income can create difficulties for women who are highly accomplished. The expectation that men should be the primary financial providers in a relationship can clash with the reality of more women earning higher incomes and having advanced degrees. This mismatch in expectations can create confusion and uncertainty for both men and women in terms of their roles in relationships. Gottlieb highlights the importance of open communication and understanding each other's perspectives to navigate these changing dynamics effectively.

Struggles with Masculinity and Femininity

Gottlieb acknowledges the challenges faced by men in defining their roles in modern society. She discusses how societal expectations around masculinity can be conflicting and confusing for men, leading to feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and the impact it can have on relationships and mental health.

Relationship Dynamics

The conversation touches on the nuances of gender expectations in relationships, such as the traditional notion of men paying for dates. Gottlieb and the host discuss how these expectations can vary among individuals and generations. They explore the significance of gestures like paying for a date as a way to show interest and care in a relationship. The podcast highlights the importance of understanding and respecting each other's preferences and boundaries in navigating gender dynamics in relationships.

She also discusses the concept of the "bank of Goodwill" in relationships, where positive interactions should outweigh negative ones. Additionally, she highlights the need for open communication and addressing issues before they become entrenched in the relationship.

Optimal Age for Marriage

Gottlieb references a study that suggests there is an optimal age range for marriage, typically between 25 and 30 years old. Getting married too young or too old can increase the likelihood of divorce. She explains that individuals in this age range are more likely to have a better sense of self, shared experiences, and maturity, which can contribute to a successful marriage.

Self-Worth and Personal Growth

Gottlieb delves into the concept of self-worth and how it can be tied to external factors, such as work achievements. She encourages individuals to explore other aspects of themselves that contribute to their self-worth, aside from their professional success. She suggests making a list of qualities that others appreciate about them and qualities they appreciate about themselves that are unrelated to work.

Resistance to Change

Gottlieb highlights the importance of therapy in helping individuals see their role in relationships and situations more clearly. She addresses the fear of change and the resistance some individuals may have towards therapy or personal growth. She explains that change can be daunting because it requires individuals to confront uncomfortable truths about themselves and make adjustments to their behavior. She also discusses the stages of change, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and support during the process.

Dreams and Self-Confession

Gottlieb also delves into the significance of dreams in therapy. She explains that dreams can offer insights into our fears and preoccupations that we may not be consciously aware of. By paying attention to dreams and exploring their meanings, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their emotions.

Idiot Compassion vs. Wise Compassion

Gottlieb distinguishes between idiot compassion, where individuals blindly support their friends without considering different perspectives, and wise compassion, which involves offering constructive feedback and considering multiple viewpoints. She highlights the importance of challenging friends to consider their own role in conflicts or challenges they face, rather than simply validating their feelings.

Sabotage in Relationships

Gottlieb shares examples of how individuals may sabotage others who are making positive changes in their lives. She discusses instances where friends or partners may feel threatened by someone's growth or improvement, leading them to subconsciously undermine the individual's progress. She emphasizes the need for individuals to maintain boundaries and prioritize their own well-being, even if it means facing resistance from those around them.

Emotions and Manipulation

Gottlieb discusses how emotions can sometimes be used as a form of manipulation in relationships. She gives an example of a pattern where one partner may cry to avoid addressing issues or taking responsibility for their actions. In therapy, she helps clients recognize and address these patterns to foster healthier communication and relationships.

Heartbreak and Grief

Gottlieb shares her personal experience of going through heartbreak and the profound grief that accompanies it. She explains that heartbreak is not just about losing the present connection with a partner but also the future that was envisioned together. The loss of shared experiences, intimacy, and companionship can be deeply challenging, leading to a sense of profound loss and grief.

Supporting Others Through Heartbreak

Gottlieb reflects on the challenges of supporting someone going through heartbreak. She emphasizes the importance of sitting with the person in their grief, allowing them to express their emotions and feel understood. Instead of trying to fix the situation or offer superficial comfort, she suggests being present and holding hope for the individual during this difficult time.

Connection and Loneliness

Gottlieb addresses the growing issue of loneliness and disconnection in today's society. She highlights the importance of face-to-face interactions and genuine connections, rather than relying solely on digital communication. She encourages individuals to be curious about others, ask questions, and engage in meaningful conversations to foster authentic relationships.

Vulnerability and Authenticity

The guest emphasizes the power of vulnerability in building connections and fostering intimacy. She distinguishes between surface-level vulnerability, such as sharing on social media, and true vulnerability that involves opening up to others in person. By being authentic and sharing our true selves with others, we can deepen our relationships and feel more connected.

Living with Intention

Gottlieb encourages individuals to live their lives with intention and purpose, rather than waiting for a crisis or limited time to make changes. She emphasizes the importance of prioritizing meaningful connections, self-reflection, and personal growth in daily life. By being present and engaged in the present moment, we can cultivate deeper relationships and a sense of fulfillment.