Harvard’s Behaviour Expert: The Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You!

This conversation between Stephen and Harvard behavioral scientist Allison Wood Brooks delves into the complexities of human communication, exploring why conversations often go wrong and how people can improve their likability, persuasion, and relational skills. Drawing on decades of scientific research, Allison shares insights on managing social anxiety, navigating various types of conversations, overcoming communication barriers, and adapting in the digital age. The discussion also covers the challenges men face in forming friendships, strategies for effective apologies, the significance of listening, and the evolving impact of AI on interpersonal interactions.

The Complexity of Conversation

Despite being a fundamental part of our daily lives, conversation is far from simple. Allison explains that while adults expect to be expert communicators due to years of practice, conversation involves complex emotions, motives, and cognitive processes beneath the surface. Misunderstandings, awkward moments, defensive reactions, and hostility often arise because people struggle to balance multiple conversational goals simultaneously, including exchanging information, maintaining relationships, protecting time and privacy, and achieving specific outcomes. This multifaceted nature makes communication difficult and reveals why many feel disliked or misunderstood.

Reframing Social Anxiety as Excitement

A key finding from Allison's research is the powerful effect of reframing social anxiety as excitement. Since anxiety and excitement are physiologically similar, simply telling oneself "I'm excited" before a stressful situation like public speaking or a difficult conversation helps shift focus from threats to opportunities. This mental shift improves performance, reduces nervousness, and encourages positive engagement. Allison references her "Get Excited" study, which even influenced the movie Inside Out, illustrating that mindset plays a critical role in how we approach interpersonal challenges.

The Conversational Compass: Understanding Goals

Allison introduces the conversational compass, a framework to map different conversation goals along two axes: relational (high to low) and informational (high to low). High relational and informational goals foster connection and collaboration, while low relational but high informational goals involve task-oriented activities like persuasion and decision-making. The compass helps individuals recognize that conversations serve varied purposes—such as enjoying lighter moments (savoring), protecting reputation or privacy (protection), or exchanging crucial information—and adjusting strategies accordingly. People often juggle these overlapping aims, and awareness facilitates more mindful communication.

The Art of Apology

Using Stephen's personal example of apologizing to his girlfriend, Allison highlights effective apology components: straightforward ownership without excuses, expressing genuine remorse, and importantly, making concrete promises to change future behavior. Excessive apologies within a single conversation can backfire by repeatedly drawing attention to the offense, unless the context is severe (e.g., serious crime), where more extensive apologies may be warranted. She emphasizes that owning mistakes authentically builds trust and facilitates repair, a vital skill for improving relational dynamics.

Topics and Topic Preparation

Conversation is built around topics, which are continuously chosen and transitioned during interactions. Allison advocates for pre-conversational topic preparation—even just a brief mental review of potential questions or subjects—to reduce anxiety, smooth transitions, and enhance engagement. Thoughtful topic choices make conversations more likable and productive, helping speakers avoid awkward silences or irrelevant diversions. She stresses the importance of pacing, advising moving beyond prolonged small talk toward more personalized "tailored" and "deep" topics, which foster intimacy and connection.

The Power of Asking Questions

One of the simplest but most impactful ways to improve conversations is to ask more questions, especially follow-up questions. Allison shares research showing that question-askers are perceived as more interested, increasing likability and success in contexts like dating and work. Asking questions encourages others to share more deeply and signals genuine curiosity and attentiveness. Avoiding "boomerang asking," where the focus quickly shifts back to oneself without exploring the other person's response, is crucial to maintaining engagement and strengthening rapport.

Kindness in Communication

Kindness is a core element of effective conversation, involving the consistent use of respectful language, remembering names, and demonstrating warmth. Allison points to research on police-citizen interactions showing that respectful language reduces conflict and improves outcomes, highlighting the social power of kindness. However, kindness requires energy and self-awareness, as poor sleep or fatigue can impair one's ability to communicate kindly. She encourages being honest about one's capacity and asking for grace when necessary, fostering reciprocal understanding in relationships.

Levity and Avoiding Disengagement

Levity, including humor and warmth, is essential to maintaining mutual engagement and avoiding boredom, which Allison describes as the most common conversational enemy. Since the human mind frequently wanders, using levity to keep conversations lively helps sustain connection and facilitates the achievement of conversational goals like persuasion or collaboration. Even people who consider themselves "serious" can increase warmth through gratitude, compliments, and topic shifts. She also highlights the value of callbacks, referencing earlier conversation points to show attentiveness and deepen interaction.

Navigating Group Conversations and Contribution

Group conversations differ substantially from one-on-one interactions due to multiple voices, roles, and shifting dynamics. Allison discusses the concept of a "contribution score," an intuitive gauge of how much value one adds based on relevance, timing, and listening. Over-talking or poor topic switching can lower perceived value and cause disengagement. Conversely, well-timed levity or thoughtful interventions can improve group dynamics. Clear role definitions and coordination help groups avoid chaos, especially when multiple members vie for conversational control or diverge on topic focus.

Gender Differences and Male Friendship

Allison shares findings from a study on men's friendships, revealing that men often struggle with vulnerability—a key ingredient of deep, meaningful relationships. Unlike women, who tend to engage in face-to-face, emotionally rich conversations, men often bond through shared activities and avoid topics involving emotional disclosure. This reticence contributes to loneliness and fewer close friendships among men, with many reporting no confidants during crises. Overcoming this requires individual acts of courage, such as asking vulnerable questions and creating space for deeper exchanges, one conversation at a time.

The Science of Counting Questions: 10 Questions to "Fall in Like"

Inspired by the well-known "36 questions to fall in love" exercise, Allison's "10 questions to fall in like" is a pragmatic tool for fostering rapport and connection quickly. The questions prompt people to share what excites them, personal strengths and weaknesses, and recent joys or experiences. When used thoughtfully and reciprocally with follow-up queries, these questions promote vulnerability and understanding, laying the groundwork for genuine friendship and connection.

Persuasion and the Role of Listening

Allison articulates that persuasion is rarely the result of a single one-sided argument but emerges over time through mutual trust, admiration, and ongoing conversation. Central to persuasion is validating the other person's viewpoint to maintain receptiveness, even amid disagreement. Effective persuasion relies on deep listening—actively hearing and reflecting on the other's perspective—and asking meaningful questions to reveal underlying motives and concerns. This approach builds rapport and invites openness rather than defensiveness.

The Importance and Challenge of Listening

Listening is a high-level, effortful skill involving perceiving verbal and nonverbal cues, processing information, and reflecting understanding back to the speaker through validation and follow-up questions. Good listening fosters feelings of safety and trust, prompting individuals to open up and share more deeply. Research and personal accounts underscore how rare truly attentive listening is in daily life, making it a powerful differentiator in conversations. Simple nodding or "mhm" sounds are basic but insufficient without verbal engagement to demonstrate genuine comprehension.

Conversation in a Digital and AI Age

Allison highlights how modern life is overwhelmed by digital communication across multiple platforms, leading to fragmented and often superficial interactions. Face-to-face conversations remain the richest and most fulfilling mode, critical for meaningful connection and memory formation. She expresses concern about the increasing reliance on AI-generated communication, which can feel impersonal and cause recipients to disengage. However, AI coaching tools also offer promise in helping individuals prepare and improve conversational skills. Ultimately, human warmth, authenticity, and adaptability are irreplaceable in communication.

Strategic Authenticity and Adaptability

Authenticity in conversation is nuanced. Allison introduces the concept of "strategic authenticity," which involves bringing core values and sincere intentions to interactions while adapting behavior to fit context and goals. People shift between conversational roles and styles depending on setting and relationships, and what matters is alignment with overarching sincerity rather than rigid self-expression. Moments of seeming insincerity or "acting" to fulfill social needs or advance conversations are part of skillful communication, provided they serve genuine connection.

Raising Children to Talk Well

Allison touches on the challenge of raising children who become skilled conversationalists in an increasingly digital, distracted world. Limiting screen time and fostering rich, face-to-face interactions helps children develop crucial social and emotional skills. Role modeling effective communication and guiding children through moments of success and failure promotes growth. She and her colleagues are designing curriculums to teach these skills to young people, emphasizing the conversation's central role in human development.

Final Thoughts on Conversation's Enduring Importance

The conversation closes with Allison's reflection on the fundamental nature of conversation as the ultimate human skill. Regardless of technological advances or societal changes, effective interpersonal connection through talking remains essential to personal fulfillment, relationship building, and societal functioning. She envisions a future where teaching communication, especially to young people, becomes a vital part of education to combat loneliness and increase human flourishing.