The Psychology of Obsession, Rumination & Letting Go - Dr Rick Hanson

Understanding Change and Letting Go

Dr. Hanson begins by acknowledging the universal difficulty people face in dealing with change, especially the fear and pain that often precede it. He emphasizes that while change is inevitable—whether it’s the end of relationships, careers, or phases of life—our suffering often stems from our attachment and resistance rather than the change itself. Drawing on the wisdom of Ajan Chah, a revered Buddhist teacher, he illustrates how happiness correlates with the degree of letting go: the more we release our attachments, the greater our capacity for happiness. This principle serves as a foundational frame for the conversation, underscoring the importance of cultivating the ability to surrender and accept life’s impermanence.

Hanson also highlights the evolutionary roots of our difficulty with letting go. From a biological standpoint, our ancestors who were possessive and grasping were more likely to survive and pass on their genes, embedding these tendencies deeply in our nature. Modern culture, with its emphasis on ownership, status, and accumulation, further entrenches this acquisitive mindset, making the practice of letting go even more challenging. This attachment extends beyond material possessions to our thoughts and identities, where even negative self-narratives become a form of psychological security.

The Nature and Function of Rumination

A significant portion of the discussion delves into rumination—the repetitive, often obsessive replaying of past events or anxieties about the future. Dr. Hanson explains that unlike our closest primate relatives, humans possess advanced neural mechanisms for mental time travel, allowing us to simulate past and future scenarios. While this capacity is evolutionarily advantageous for learning and planning, it also predisposes us to get trapped in cycles of rumination.

Rumination is described as a double-edged sword: it can feel compulsively comfortable due to its familiarity and the anticipatory reward it offers, yet it is ultimately unproductive and emotionally draining. It often serves as a defense mechanism, keeping us locked in negative emotions like resentment, guilt, or hurt, while simultaneously avoiding deeper, more vulnerable feelings such as despair or defeat. Hanson likens rumination to a dog chained to a post—capable of circling endlessly but never truly free.

Neurologically, rumination engages the brain’s midline cortical areas, particularly the default mode network, which is associated with self-referential thought. Hanson suggests that breaking free from rumination involves “going wide”—expanding awareness beyond the narrow focus of the ruminative thought to include the broader context of the experience, the body’s sensations, and the bigger picture. This holistic approach engages different brain networks, quieting the ruminative circuits and allowing for a more balanced perspective.

Attachment to Self and Identity

The conversation also touches on the profound challenge of letting go of identity and self-concept. Our sense of self is deeply intertwined with the stories we tell ourselves, including both positive and negative narratives. Hanson shares a personal turning point when he reframed his self-identity from a “wimp” to a “nerd but not a wimp,” illustrating how shifts in self-perception can be empowering. However, he acknowledges that identity is often the hardest attachment to loosen because it underpins how we interpret and respond to the world.

This attachment to self fuels the tendency to take things personally, which in turn intensifies rumination and emotional suffering. Hanson emphasizes the importance of recognizing the difference between using the self as a tool for navigating life and being enslaved by it. Cultivating this awareness can reduce the grip of self-centered rumination and open the door to greater freedom.

The Role of Uncertainty and “Don’t Know Mind”

A recurring theme is the human aversion to uncertainty and the brain’s compulsion to collapse ambiguous possibilities into definitive answers, often catastrophizing in the process. Hanson introduces the concept of “don’t know mind” or beginner’s mind—a Buddhist practice of embracing uncertainty without rushing to judgment or conclusion. This stance acts as a solvent that dissolves the rigid mental patterns of rumination and allows for a more fluid, open engagement with experience.

He illustrates how adopting a “maybe so” attitude can be liberating, especially in emotionally charged situations like relationships, where clinging to fixed interpretations only fuels suffering. Embracing uncertainty fosters spaciousness and reduces resistance, making it easier to let go of entrenched narratives and expectations.

Letting Go of Emotionally Charged Memories

Dr. Hanson addresses the complex process of releasing emotionally charged memories, noting that true letting go requires fully “letting in” the feelings associated with those memories. Often, unresolved emotions remain trapped in the neural networks of memory, causing repeated revisiting and rumination. By courageously facing these feelings and allowing them to move through the body, individuals can achieve a release and integration.

He shares personal experiences, including moments of confronting childhood fears and integrating disowned parts of himself during psychedelic experiences, to illustrate the bravery required for this process. While some traumatic memories may never fully disappear, changing one’s relationship to them—through regulation and reframing—can reduce their power and allow for greater peace.

The Power of Small Victories and Playfulness

Throughout the conversation, Hanson champions the value of ordinary, often overlooked victories in the journey of letting go and managing obsession. He recounts stories of mundane successes, such as a rancher who considers a day without breaking anything a triumph, to highlight how redefining what counts as success can cultivate contentment and reduce the pressure of constant achievement.

Playfulness and humor emerge as vital tools in this process. Play is not only a source of joy but also a facilitator of learning and healing, helping to loosen rigid mental patterns and foster resilience. Hanson contrasts earnestness with playfulness, suggesting that while sincerity is noble and courageous, incorporating humor and lightness can protect against the brittleness that seriousness sometimes brings.

Authenticity, Audience Capture, and Interpersonal Courage

The dialogue also explores the tension between authenticity and the social masks people wear, especially in public or professional contexts. Hanson discusses the concept of “audience capture,” where individuals perform roles or project personas that may not fully align with their true selves, often to gain approval or avoid rejection. This dynamic can lead to feelings of inauthenticity and disconnection.

Drawing on Martin Buber’s framework of “I-Thou” versus “I-It” relationships, Hanson emphasizes the human longing for genuine connection where people are seen and accepted as whole beings. He encourages cultivating congruence—alignment between inner experience and outward expression—as a path to authenticity and deeper relationships.

Interpersonal courage is framed as the willingness to risk vulnerability, rejection, and failure in order to show up sincerely. Hanson advocates for expanding one’s “window of tolerance” by gradually facing feared experiences and learning that they are survivable. This process builds resilience and fosters a more expansive, freer way of being in the world.

Cross-Domain Confidence and Integration

Hanson shares practical strategies for cultivating courage by drawing on strengths from different areas of life. For example, the confidence gained from mastering a physical challenge like rock climbing can be accessed to bolster interpersonal bravery. This cross-domain integration helps individuals mobilize inner resources and expand their capacity to face difficult situations.