The Performative Male Epidemic - Louise Perry & Mary Harrington (4K)

The Rise of the Performative Male

Louise Perry introduced the concept of the "performative male," describing a new archetype of men who blend traditionally masculine characteristics with more feminized, gentle aesthetics—floppy hair, oversized jeans, tote bags, and an affinity for literary fiction. This type is considered a modern reinterpretation of the "soft boy" or the "noodle-armed male," where the outward presentation aligns with an anti-aggressive, somehow less threatening mode of masculinity. They often adopt a certain "matcher" lifestyle—seeking emotional connection and avoiding overt displays of dominance.

Mary points out that the performative male may be employing what can be seen as a sneaky mating strategy, where an appearance of softness and non-threat potentially masks underlying intentions. Despite their gentle exterior, these men are still heterosexual and engaging in complex social signaling designed to appeal in a contemporary dating environment that often penalizes traditional masculinity.

Sexual Decline and Its Paradoxes

A significant portion of the discussion centered around the paradoxical trend of declining sexual activity, especially among Americans, even as casual sex gains greater social acceptance. Both Perry and Harrington noted that while Gen Z reportedly engages in casual hookups, overall frequency of sex remains lower than in past decades. This paradox is explained by shifts in relationship patterns: fewer people are in long-term partnerships, which statistically tend to have more frequent sex.

Beyond social patterns, they delved into biological and technological influences, notably spotlighting the hypothesis that smartphone addiction and limbic capitalism—where technology hijacks human reward systems—detrimentally affect real-world intimacy and reproduction. The concept of limbic capitalism illuminates a cultural trajectory where dopamine-seeking through screens replaces more fundamental human bonds, further complicating efforts to reverse fertility declines.

K-Pop and the Celibate Idol Paradox

One striking cultural example they discussed was South Korea's extremely low birth rate and the possible role of the K-pop industry. Perry recounted that K-pop idols are often contractually bound to celibacy and complete devotion to their careers, unable to form public romantic relationships. This enforced celibacy maintains the idols as "clean" parasocial figures, adored by fans in a state of unavailability, which arguably shapes social attitudes toward intimacy and coupling among younger generations.

Mary reflected on how such enforced celibacy contrasts with more open Western celebrity culture, noting the difficulty for K-pop stars to balance public scrutiny with familial aspirations. This sheds light on the wider theme of how media and celebrity culture influence societal norms, especially regarding masculinity, partnership, and fertility.

Labubu Men vs. HMBOs

Within the podcast, much time was dedicated to contrasting the so-called "Labubu man" with the "HMBO" (Hunk with a Heart of Gold). The Labubu male represents a flaccid, feminized, and digitally mediated male archetype, often seen as a product of post-MeToo caution and contemporary social softness. This is a man who is socially anxious, physically less imposing, and communicates in ways designed to appear non-threatening and agreeable.

Opposed to that is the HMBO, epitomized by figures like Channing Tatum, embodying physical strength, emotional warmth, and pragmatic masculinity without intellectual pretension. Perry suggested that many women prefer such straightforward and emotionally reliable men over intellectualized or overly "performative" types. The HMBO appeals as a partner because he balances protection with empathy, providing an appealing polarity absent in the Labubu phenomenon.

The Impact of MeToo on Male Behavior

The discussion vividly engaged with the post-MeToo social landscape, positing that well-intentioned men, in an effort to avoid accusations or discomfort, may have erred too far toward passivity and timidity. The MeToo movement, while vital in exposing abuses, has had secondary effects causing some men to excessively soften their behavior, leading to the emergence of Labubu men who avoid traditional masculine assertiveness.

Yet, this created a selection problem: the bad actors persist, but good men overcorrect, leaving a void of confident, robust masculinity attractive to women. Harrington warned that this overcorrection has ironically made forming meaningful, long-term partnerships more challenging, contributing to lower birth rates and growing social friction.

Relationship Formation in a Digitized World

A further insight centered on the breakdown of traditional social scaffolding that once supported relationship formation. Online dating, social media, and fragmented communities have replaced neighborhood and familial networks where reputations and kin connections historically guided mate selection. Perry highlighted how platforms like the infamous "Tea App" attempted to emulate local gossip and reputation monitoring but failed due to the absence of real consequences and accountability.

Mary pointed out that the absence of strong community ties diminishes trusted social vetting and increases uncertainty and risk in romantic endeavors. This erosion complicates trust-building and undercuts one of several ingredients necessary for stable long-term partnerships.

Challenges for "Schlub Feminism"

Harrington unpacked the cultural demise of what she termed "schlub feminism"—the idea that many ordinary, non-idealized individuals desire and deserve loving, long-term relationships. She argued that the feminist and MeToo moment disproportionately elevated certain "neurotic" or "high-value" women, devaluing those who hold simpler or more traditional desires, like the Bridget Jones archetype of a hopeless romantic seeking connection.

Perry added that this cultural shift renders many single people out of sync with available dating pools, contributing to anxiety and despair among those who want partnership but find themselves marginalized by polarized modern narratives about gender and relationships.

The Disappearance of Older Male Role Models

A poignant theme arose about the formation of virtuous men. Both guests agreed that much of male identity and competence is shaped offline, through relationships with older male mentors—fathers, uncles, community leaders. This mentoring is crucial to developing what both identified as "competent masculinity," capable of leadership, emotional regulation, and protection.

Yet increasing fatherlessness, social dislocation, and the retreat of men into online spaces hinder these vital formation processes. The resulting social void pushes some young men toward toxic or criminal peer groups, while others struggle with aimlessness and identity crisis, further destabilizing relationship and familial ecosystems.

Complimentarianism and Lifestyle BDSM

The conversation delved into contemporary gender role experiments, focusing particularly on the intersection between traditionalist, "complimentarian" gender roles and lifestyle BDSM dynamics. Both guests observed parallels where ostensibly submissive or traditional female roles—such as the "princess treatment" trend—function as consensual, mutually negotiated power dynamics often mediated via social media performance.

They highlighted the risks in these arrangements, particularly when performed for online audiences, including the slippery slope toward abuse and coercive control. Nonetheless, when carefully managed and consensual, these dynamics can offer psychological and relational satisfaction that transcends simple binaries of dominance and submission.

Political Gender Divides

Harrington and Perry explored the gendered nature of political alignment. Women tend to skew left on average, often drawn to the egalitarian and protective impulses of movements like wokeness, which valorizes care for marginalized or "childlike" groups, including refugees and trans people. Conversely, men are often more aligned with right-wing populism, emphasizing tribalism and traditional masculinity.

Yet, they acknowledged the rise of distinctive right-wing feminist movements, particularly within working-class women, driven by fear, protection of children, and concerns over immigration and social change. The "pink protests" against migrant centers were cited as early examples of this gendered political realignment, suggesting a complex interplay of maternal instincts and cultural grievances shaping future political landscapes.

The Limitations of Online Identities

Lastly, the discussion touched on how online culture compresses individuals into simple, quickly digestible memes, erasing nuance and complexity. The attention economy encourages reductive caricatures, forcing people, especially men, to present archetypes like the performative male or the hyper-masculine figure, often suppressing authentic multidimensional identities.

Louise praised figures like Chris Bumstead, who successfully blend masculine physicality with emotional openness, but noted such individuals are rare and often overshadowed by polarizing extremes online. Mary stressed that this dynamic exacerbates misunderstandings between genders and between individuals and the public perception, complicating the navigation of identity and attraction in the digital age.