The Life-Changing Skill of Emotional Regulation - Dr Marc Brackett

The Importance of Emotional Vocabulary

Dr. Brackett opens by highlighting a startling reality: only one in five adults can identify more than three emotions they regularly experience. He bluntly attributes this to the glaring lack of emotion education in our lives. Unlike academics such as mathematics or literature, emotions remain largely unexamined and ignored in formal education settings, workplaces, and even in higher education. Dr. Brackett conceptualizes "emotion education" as a system where from preschool through adulthood, individuals build emotional skills—beginning with expanding their emotion vocabulary, learning to recognize subtle differences among feelings, and developing the capacity to express emotions appropriately across various social and cultural contexts.

An illustrative example lies in distinguishing between similar emotions such as anger and disappointment. Whereas anger typically signals a fiery, front-footed reaction when a boundary has been crossed, disappointment stems from unmet expectations and feels more closed and subdued. This nuanced emotional literacy is crucial because, as Dr. Brackett asserts, "you have to name it to tame it." Without precise naming and understanding, it becomes nearly impossible to regulate emotions effectively or support others in managing theirs. This lack of education leads many—particularly men—to default to socially conditioned aggressive or avoidant responses rather than genuine emotional expression or regulation.

Emotional Intelligence and Its Role

The conversation naturally evolves into the realm of emotional intelligence and what it truly entails. While popular discourse often reduces emotional intelligence to a personality trait or a vague concept, Dr. Brackett presents a clear, goal-oriented definition: emotional intelligence is using emotions wisely to achieve one's goals. His RULER model breaks emotional intelligence down into five skills—Recognizing emotions in oneself and others, Understanding causes and consequences, Labeling them precisely, Expressing emotions appropriately, and Regulating those feelings to foster positive outcomes.

Emphasizing that emotional intelligence is not merely about feeling but about functional, outcome-driven use of emotions, Dr. Brackett explains that these skills contribute to better decisions, healthier relationships, and success in life. He challenges the widespread misconception that emotions signal weakness by arguing that managing emotions—both inwardly and as a leader for others—is central to optimal performance and mental health. For example, organizations often underperform because leaders lack emotional regulation, underscoring its societal relevance beyond individual well-being.

Emotion Regulation

Dr. Brackett highlights emotion regulation as the apex skill within emotional intelligence. Far from simply suppressing feelings, regulation involves a strategic, purposeful approach summed up in the acronym "PRIME": Prevent unwanted emotions through preparation, Reduce emotions in the moment, Initiate emotions that serve your goals, Maintain beneficial emotional states, and Enhance positive feelings to sustain momentum. This long-term and moment-to-moment managing of emotions shapes how we engage with challenges, opportunities, and everyday interactions.

He stresses the importance of prevention, sharing examples from his martial arts teaching experience. Emotion regulation is not just reactive—it is proactive. Preparing oneself before triggering situations like tests or competitions allows for better presence and performance. Since regulation strategies vary depending on the specific emotion, personality, and context, tailored approaches are necessary. For example, an introvert might avoid a noisy yoga class to regulate stress while finding calm in a solitary walk, affirming the individualized nature of effective strategies.

Societal Barriers

A critical examination follows on why emotional skills are not widely taught or valued. Dr. Brackett cites historical biases in psychology thatdismiss emotions as subjective and less "scientific" than behavior, reinforcing emotional avoidance. Furthermore, sociocultural attitudes, particularly among men, stigmatize emotional expression as weakness, creating "second order emotions" like shame or bitterness about feeling anxious or vulnerable. This emotional stigma leads to maladaptive coping mechanisms such as suppression, denial, avoidance, and substance abuse, which only amplify mental and physical health problems.

The podcast also explores gender dynamics, emphasizing how men often struggle to acknowledge and share distressing emotions. Brackett recounts anecdotes where men would rather mask anxiety with alcohol than admit to feeling vulnerable, illustrating how deeply entrenched these cultural scripts are. The capacity to openly name and express a wide range of feelings would not only improve individual well-being but also strengthen interpersonal relationships and societal cohesion.

Emotional Awareness and Embodiment

Although language and cognitive frameworks are foundational for emotional literacy, Dr. Brackett acknowledges their limits. Emotions are embodied experiences involving physical sensations such as heat, tension, or activation. Differentiating feelings from physical states is essential, as misattributing bodily signals (e.g., tiredness confused with anxiety) can derail regulation efforts. Integrating cognitive awareness with somatic sensation offers a fuller picture and enables effective emotional self-management.

To aid emotional vocabulary and awareness, Dr. Brackett developed the "How We Feel" app. Based on the Mood Meter framework, the app helps users identify emotions according to their level of pleasantness and activation, offering a wide vocabulary and definitions to clarify feelings. It also encourages body awareness to track where emotions manifest physically. Such tools foster the continuous practice of emotional mindfulness and cultivate deeper emotional fluency.

Building Emotional Skills

Dr. Brackett conveys that emotion regulation skills are not innate but learned through intentional practice, self-compassion, and experience. He challenges fixed mindsets about emotion, sharing how initially even he struggled under emotional pressure despite his expertise, highlighting that everyone must consistently apply these skills. Moreover, building self-talk that is supportive—not toxic—is vital to resilience.

He stresses the importance of social support in emotional health, underscoring that humans are wired for connection. Being surrounded by people who are non-judgmental, empathetic, and good listeners creates a safe space for emotional exploration, which is often missing in many developmental environments. His research shows that most individuals did not have such figures growing up, which reveals a widespread need for cultivating these qualities across society.

Beyond mindset and language, practical lifestyle factors—like sleep, nutrition, and exercise—play crucial roles in emotion regulation capacity. Losing physical well-being reduces emotional coping resources, leading to faster depletion and reactive behaviors. Ultimately, Dr. Brackett envisions a cultural shift where emotional mastery is central to defining success rather than external achievements like wealth or status.

Addressing Challenging Emotions and Self-Identity

The discussion further distinguishes between emotions, feelings, moods, and dispositions to clarify common confusions. Emotions are brief, automatic responses influenced by life experiences; feelings are private subjective experiences; moods are longer-lasting but less intense emotional states; dispositions are personality traits; while mental health diagnoses have separate criteria.

Among emotions, self-conscious emotions such as shame and jealousy are particularly challenging because they directly implicate one's self-worth. Shame, often imposed through social gaslighting, can be insidious and requires external support to overcome. Conversely, envy can be reframed towards admiration and aspiration rather than bitterness, using it as a catalyst for growth rather than stagnation.

Dr. Brackett also discusses highly sensitive people—individuals who experience emotions with greater intensity and detail—affirming that while this sensitivity entails both challenges and strengths, emotional regulation skills are vital for all temperaments. The goal is to foster emotional fluidity and meta-skills such as bravery in feeling emotions authentically, balanced with practical self-management to support well-being and effective social engagement.

Overcoming Resistance

While acknowledging resistance from some parents and societal sectors to emotional education—often due to fears about losing control over children or intruding on identity—Dr. Brackett believes that providing evidence-based frameworks and outcomes can lessen these concerns. He advocates for framing emotional literacy as a foundational skill akin to any academic subject, essential for living a healthier, more connected, and meaningful life.

Finally, he promotes the cultivation of an identity of emotional regulation mastery, likening it to developing the identity of a disciplined athlete. Viewing oneself as capable and committed to managing emotions creates positive feedback loops, reinforcing sustained practice and growth. This emotional self-concept shifts one away from labels such as "an anxious person" to recognizing emotions as transient experiences within a regulated, resilient self.