Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People? - Crappy Childhood Fairy

Understanding Limerence

Runkle introduces limerence as a concept that many people experience, though they may not have the vocabulary to describe it. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence refers to the overwhelming feelings of infatuation that can escalate into an addiction-like obsession. This obsession often occurs when the object of affection is unavailable, whether due to lack of reciprocation, emotional unavailability, or even being a fictional character. Runkle emphasizes that while everyone may experience limerence in small doses, it can become a serious issue for some individuals, leading to a loss of happiness and fulfillment in life.

The Nature of Limerence

The discussion touches on the differences between limerence, infatuation, and unrequited love. Runkle explains that infatuation typically fades, while limerence can persist and intensify, often resembling the compulsive behaviors seen in addiction. She draws parallels between the feelings associated with limerence and those experienced by individuals struggling with substance abuse, highlighting the emotional highs and lows that come with this obsessive state. Runkle also notes that unrequited love can be a symptom of limerence, as individuals become addicted to the hope of reciprocation, which fuels their obsession.

The Role of Childhood Experiences

A significant part of Runkle's analysis focuses on how childhood experiences shape our capacity for love and attachment. She suggests that individuals who experienced neglect or emotional unavailability in their formative years may be more prone to limerence. This early trauma can lead to a pattern of seeking validation and love from unattainable sources, creating a cycle of disappointment and obsession. Runkle shares her own experiences growing up in a challenging environment, which informs her understanding of how these dynamics play out in adult relationships.

The Impact of Modern Media

Runkle also discusses the influence of modern media on perceptions of love and relationships. She notes that many romantic narratives perpetuate the idea of the "perfect match" or "the one," which can lead to unrealistic expectations and a tendency to idealize partners. This idealization can exacerbate feelings of limerence, as individuals project their desires onto someone who may not be a suitable match. Runkle argues that as media representations of relationships evolve to include more diverse and realistic portrayals, there is hope for a shift in how people understand and navigate their romantic lives.

The Cycle of Limerence

The podcast explores the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies limerence, characterized by anxiety and despair. Runkle explains that the highs of receiving attention or affection from the object of one’s limerence can be intoxicating, but the lows of unreciprocated feelings can lead to profound sadness. This cycle creates a dependency on the emotional highs, making it difficult for individuals to break free from their obsessive thoughts. Runkle emphasizes the importance of recognizing this pattern and taking proactive steps to regain control over one’s emotional well-being.

Overcoming Limerence

Runkle offers practical advice for those struggling with limerence. She advocates for cutting off contact with the object of obsession, as maintaining any form of connection can perpetuate the cycle of hope and disappointment. She likens the process of overcoming limerence to breaking free from an addiction, emphasizing the need for support from friends and loved ones. Runkle encourages individuals to engage in self-care practices, such as journaling and meditation, to help process their feelings and regain a sense of agency in their lives.

The Importance of Authentic Relationships

Throughout the episode, Runkle underscores the significance of authentic relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. She argues that true love should not be based on obsession or idealization but rather on a genuine connection that allows both partners to grow and thrive. By fostering healthy relationships and setting clear boundaries, individuals can break free from the patterns of limerence and cultivate fulfilling connections.