How to Treat Men Better - Alison Armstrong

This conversation with Alison Armstrong explores the dynamics of relationships between men and women, how to better understand and treat men, and the deep-rooted instincts and paradigms influencing human behavior. The discussion dives into themes like pleasing men, paradigms of trust and safety, status and survival instincts, communication styles, attraction, masculinity and emasculation, commitment, receptivity, masculine and feminine energy, honesty, vulnerability, happiness, and the biological and psychological factors underpinning human connection.

Pleasing Men and What Matters Most to Them

Alison begins by challenging the common belief that men are hard to please, suggesting instead that men are generally easy to please but that their need for being pleased ranks low compared to what drives them more deeply, such as feeling empowered, admired, or accepted. She contrasts women's high focus on pleasing men, often driven by survival instincts and fear of displeasing, with men's pragmatic priorities centered on achievement and contribution. Pleasing a man might be a minor concern after all essential needs and goals are met.

Paradigms and How They Shape Our Interactions

A key insight is the notion of paradigms as mental frameworks that make certain actions easy or impossible. If a current paradigm does not yield desired results, the solution lies not in forcing change within it, but in adopting a new paradigm. Alison explains how she has been studying men's behavior for decades to reverse-engineer the underlying paradigms governing relationships, communication, and attraction, always emphasizing the importance of precision, potency, and the willingness to update one's worldview.

Communication, Vagueness, and Emotional Resonance

Exploring communication styles, Alison examines the power of vagueness and poetic language in fostering emotional connection. Just as music and poetry use ambiguity to let listeners project their own experiences, relationships benefit when certain expressions, especially around intimacy, remain open-ended, enabling both partners to find personal meaning. This is particularly effective in sexual communication, where explicitness can sometimes alienate or judge, whereas broad strokes invite shared resonance.

The Survival Instincts: Status, Pleasing, and Monitoring Behavior

At a foundational level, men and women share survival instincts common to many animals, including herd or pack behavior. Gender differences in hormones and resultant physical strength have influenced millennia of evolutionary survival strategies. Women's intense drive to please and monitor men's satisfaction is explained by the need to secure protection and provision, fueled by a subconscious fear of being rejected or left vulnerable when threatened. These survival-driven instincts manifest in constant behavioral scanning and adapting to men's cues.

Safety Versus Security: Different Needs, Different Languages

The conversation differentiates between safety, which is an emotional, feeling-based state women vigilantly monitor, and security, a more fact-based, resource- and status-driven state men seek. Women's estrogen-driven "gatherer's vision" keeps them attuned to environmental safety, while men prioritize tangible measures of security like resources, connections, and influence. The distinction clarifies how men and women express care and protection in ways that may seem mismatched without mutual understanding.

Trust, Connection, and the Challenges of Relating

Alison discusses how women often "trust too much" in connection as a blanket assurance, expecting unspoken needs and preferences to be met based solely on emotional bond. Men, by contrast, are more transactional and fact-oriented about trust, evaluating reliability within clear domains. This difference can create misunderstandings, especially when women expect more implicit investment or commitment than men can realistically perceive or deliver without explicit dialogue.

Choosing the Right Partner: Twelve Criteria Men Use

Alison outlines twelve key factors men hesitate over when deciding if someone is "the right person." These include a balance in not emasculating him, genuine liking, sexual compatibility with enough variety and communication, alignment of values and life direction, productive communication focused on problem-solving, teamwork in adversity, physical attraction and charm, and the ability to receive what he offers. These criteria illuminate how men weigh emotional, practical, and physical elements in relationships.

The Four Most Charming Qualities in a Woman

Confidence, authenticity, passion, and receptivity emerge as the four qualities men find most enchanting. Self-confidence signals security; authenticity expresses courage to be one's true self and speak needs; passion brings life and creativity to the relationship; and receptivity shows appreciation and acceptance of the man's contributions, fueling his desire to give. Each quality shifts men's willingness to give love and investment, and their interplay reveals much about attraction beyond mere physicality.

Sexual Energy Versus Charm: Dual Drivers of Male Desire

Alison differentiates the pull of sexual energy—the primal impulse to "take" and physically connect—from charm, which motivates men to "give" and invest emotionally and practically. She explains men's instinctual impulse control is akin to training a dog, with desire and discipline intertwined. Women's awareness of this duality in male attraction opens doors to fostering healthier engagement, reducing frustration and misunderstanding around sexual expectations.

Men's Commitment: Single Focus and the Myth of Non-Commitment

Contrary to popular belief, men are naturally committed when they engage with a clear goal or partner. Testosterone fosters single focus, creating a tunnel vision that filters distractions and drives persistent effort. Alison explains how men commit comprehensively, accepting the entire package of their partner, imperfections and all, whereas women tend to commit incrementally and often attempt to change their partners post-commitment. This distinction clarifies the dynamics of long-term relationships.

The Complex Role of Emasculation in Relationships

Emasculation, defined as diminishing a man's ability to produce results or achieve his goals, is a critical concept. Women may emasculate men unintentionally through withholding information, interrupting their focus, or criticizing their competence. These actions trigger self-protective reactions in men, causing withdrawal or defensiveness. Alison stresses the importance of awareness here because emasculation disconnects men from their productive, confident selves, undermining relationships and mutual safety.

Masculinity, Productivity, and Connectivity: Managing Opposing Instincts

Men's sense of security is often tied to productivity—achieving results and solving problems—while women seek safety through emotional connection and openness. Alison highlights the natural tension between these instincts, noting women's interruptions during men's focused productivity can fracture both men's peace and women's sense of connection, leading to misunderstandings and estrangement. Learning to navigate these competing needs is vital to harmonious interaction.

The Power of Appreciation and Receptivity in Relationship Dynamics

Men are driven to give, but their giving is sustained only if met with genuine receptivity and appreciation. Alison observes that men need to feel accepted for what they provide and to experience that their efforts are valued, which often involves women cultivating greater openness and warmth. Paradoxically, both men and women find it difficult to receive; improving this skill can dramatically enhance mutual satisfaction and strengthen bonds.

Honesty, Vulnerability, and How Women Unintentionally Suppress Male Openness

The conversation delves into how men's survival instincts make vulnerability risky and dangerous, as revealing weakness can be weaponized against them. Women, unintentionally, may teach men to lie or withhold truth by reacting negatively, sharing confessions beyond confidence, or demanding emotional labor without reciprocation. Alison stresses the importance of celebrating honesty, rewarding truth-telling, and creating safe spaces to encourage men's authentic openness.

Understanding Male Happiness, Power, and the Fear Surrounding Them

Men's experience of happiness is understated and physically centered in the chest and shoulders, the areas associated with power and strength. Alison explains that men often conceal happiness partly because visible displays of power and joy can intimidate women, who may respond with resistance or emasculation. This fear triggers attacks or diminishing behavior, often at moments when men are most vulnerable or victorious, complicating mutual emotional expression.

Attraction, Complementary Strengths, and Women's Misunderstandings

Men seek partners whose strengths complement, rather than mirror, their own, enhancing the pair's collective potential. Alison uses the metaphor of Tom Brady and Jerry Rice, illustrating that men want partners who bring different but synergistic qualities. Women often misunderstand this, criticizing men for not being like themselves instead of appreciating their unique contributions, which leads to resentment and disconnection.

The Dynamic of Neediness Versus the Desire to Be Needed

The discussion touches on the modern tension where women's cultivated independence may inadvertently signal men that they are not needed, undermining men's instinctual desire to be useful and impressive. This paradox, complicated by cultural shifts, means men may withdraw effort when feeling optional, while women simultaneously crave deeper connection and support. Alison encourages women to explore what they truly need men for, fostering clarity and space for mutual interdependence.

Commitment and Trust: Gender Differences and Misconceptions

Men commit "all-in" recognition of a partner's entire self, whereas women may commit gradually and remain focused on adjusting or improving their partners over time. Trust, from a male perspective, is domain-specific and earned through actions, not blanket emotion. Alison challenges women's expectations of unconditional trust and surrender, urging for clarity about what can be trusted and communicating it based on evidence to build authentic partnership.

The Role and Impact of Emasculation in More Detail

Emasculation is often triggered by fear and frustration and justified by women through perceptions of men's flaws or failures, sometimes rooted in their own unmet needs or past traumas. Beyond active criticism, emasculation includes withholding attention, accountability, and appreciation. Women sometimes unconsciously demand superiority over men, further alienating them. Alison advocates for awareness and letting go of the desire to diminish men as a pathway to healthier relationships.

The Four "A's": Attention, Admiration, Appreciation, and Accountability

These four facets encapsulate the foundation of what men need to thrive in relationships. Women withholding any of these—especially admiration and accountability—diminish men's sense of worth and purpose. Alison illustrates the profound effect of simple acts, such as thoughtful appreciation, in elevating men's motivation and emotional well-being, underscoring the importance of cultivating these in daily interaction.

The Biological Roots of Attraction and Parental Investment

Alison explains that men and women are wired for survival and reproduction, with men investing heavily in parental care. Human babies initially resemble their fathers, a biological strategy to assure paternal investment in the face of uncertainty. Over time, children become more like their mothers. Visual beauty in women is a powerful evolutionary currency as a signal of fertility and genetic fitness, shaping attraction dynamics between men and women in deep, often subconscious, ways.

Men's Drives: Confidence, Direction, and Having Fun

Drawing on a conversation with Robert Glover, Alison highlights three essential traits that make a man attractive: comfort in his own skin, having a clear purpose or direction, and enjoying himself along the way. These qualities align with men's desire to project strength, competence, and the joy of living, factors which deeply attract women and contribute to enduring connections.

Fear and Excitement: Two Sides of Nervous System Responses

The interplay between fear and excitement is framed as responses from the sympathetic nervous system, energy in motion that marks moments of threat or opportunity. Alison offers insights into how physiological reactions translate into emotions, with both men and women experiencing related but differently localized feelings such as shame or happiness, emphasizing the importance of nervous system awareness in emotional regulation and connection.

The Role of Happiness in Relationship Success

Happiness is identified as a powerful "bullseye" in relationship dynamics, both transformative and communicative. Alison distinguishes between having needs met and pursuing fulfilling activities, with happiness only truly experienced when both are achieved. Women's ability to attend to their own needs actively influences their capacity to feel happiness and strengthen bonds, while men respond deeply to partners' happiness, reinforcing the cycle of care.

Effort, Appreciation, and the Worth-It Calculation

Relationships thrive on a continuous assessment Alison calls the "worth it" calculation—evaluating whether the investment of time, energy, and emotion yields sufficient reward. Men, especially, engage in this ongoing analysis, weighing whether their contributions are recognized and valued enough to continue effort. Understanding and influencing this calculus through clear communication and appreciation is crucial for sustaining engagement and commitment.

Trim Tabs: Small Changes, Big Impact

Alison shares her fascination with the concept of trim tabs—small levers that steer large ships with minimal effort—as a metaphor for relationships. Tiny shifts in communication, expectations, or behavior can dramatically redirect the course of partnerships. Practicing patience, waiting for men's natural communication rhythms, offering clear and minimal requests, and prioritizing reciprocation over confrontation are examples of using trim tabs to foster connection and growth.

The Power of Partnership and Transformational Mindsets

Ultimately, Alison emphasizes the importance of adopting empowering paradigms that foster partnership rather than opposition. Understanding men's motivations, honoring differences, embracing complementary strengths, and nurturing mutual appreciation create a framework from which new habits can be developed. This transformative approach requires awareness, humility, and ongoing commitment to change for both men and women.

Resources and Continuing Learning

For those seeking to dive deeper, Alison points to numerous videos spanning decades available on YouTube and her website. She offers courses and subscription programs engaging directly with students, exploring the nuanced interplay of needs, desires, and behaviors. Her materials emphasize partnership, awareness, and practical tools for those committed to improving their relationships thoughtfully and effectively.