When Does Masculinity Become Toxic? | David French | EP 560

The Crisis of Young Men and the Cultural Context

French begins by recounting a powerful moment that shaped his understanding of the struggles young men face. A former Marine told him that French’s work, particularly his book 12 Rules for Life, had “saved his life” by providing a sense of purpose and direction after leaving the military. This vignette highlights a core problem: many young men lose their sense of daily purpose and belonging when transitioning out of structured environments like the armed forces. French emphasizes that this loss of purpose is widespread, affecting millions of men who lack mentors, fathers, or role models to guide them.

He contrasts this caring, intentional mentorship with a cultural narrative that often portrays traditional masculinity as inherently toxic. French argues that this narrative does not help young men recognize their problems; instead, it tells them they themselves are the problem. This message, he believes, is destructive and alienating, especially when it comes from influential cultural voices that dismiss or demonize male ambition, competitiveness, and traditional male roles. French stresses that many young men are not only struggling with internal challenges but are also navigating a society that often invalidates their experiences and aspirations.

Personal Motivations and Broader Cultural Concerns

French’s concern with these issues is deeply personal. As a father of a 24-year-old son, he has witnessed firsthand the struggles young men face in his son’s peer group. His experience as a veteran and mentor to younger soldiers further exposed him to the challenges men encounter in finding purpose and community after military service. Beyond the personal, French is alarmed by broader cultural trends, including rising rates of despair, anxiety, and “deaths of despair” that disproportionately affect single men. He points to the decline in male friendships and community connections as a significant factor contributing to this crisis.

Politically, French sees the struggles of young men as a root cause of much of America’s dysfunction and division. He argues that addressing loneliness, alienation, and lack of belonging is not only a moral imperative but also essential for healing the political and cultural fractures in the country. He critiques the way political parties exploit gender divides, exacerbating tensions rather than fostering unity. French calls for a recognition that the success and well-being of men and women are interconnected, and that societal health depends on supporting both.

The Educational System and the Demoralization of Boys

A significant portion of the conversation focuses on the educational system and its impact on boys. French shares a poignant story about his son’s comment that he was “doing pretty well for a boy,” a phrase that reveals deep cultural assumptions about male underperformance. French critiques the school environment for being poorly suited to boys’ natural tendencies, noting that most teachers are female and often hold progressive views that infantilize boys or dismiss their play preferences. He highlights how boys are often required to sit still for long periods, leading to overdiagnosis of ADHD and widespread use of medications like methylphenidate, which suppress natural play and activity.

French laments the loss of freerange childhoods, where boys could roam neighborhoods, build forts, and engage in rough-and-tumble play—activities crucial for healthy development. He contrasts his own childhood, marked by multiple daily recesses and active outdoor play, with the tightly managed, risk-averse environments many children face today. This shift, he argues, has contributed to a “conspiracy of demoralization” against boys, where their natural behaviors and ambitions are pathologized or discouraged.

Masculinity, Aggression, and the Role of Mentorship

The discussion turns to the psychological and cultural dynamics of masculinity, particularly the tension between the “dark side” of male aggression and the ideal of virtuous masculinity. French references Carl Jung’s idea that young men often need to confront and integrate their “shadow” selves—the parts of their psyche that society tries to suppress. This dynamic explains why some young men are drawn to hyperaggressive or toxic role models, especially when they lack positive mentorship.

French praises the role of football coaches and similar mentors who channel male aggression and competitiveness into teamwork, discipline, and service to others. He contrasts this with coaches or figures who encourage cruelty, rage, and unmitigated ambition, which can lead to destructive outcomes. Drawing on historical examples like World War II, French illustrates how virtuous masculinity—courage tempered by compassion and service to the vulnerable—has been a powerful force for good. He underscores the biblical metaphor of the shepherd, who combines strength with self-sacrificial care, as an archetype for healthy masculinity.

The Political and Cultural Landscape

French critiques the political exploitation of gender divides, noting how both major parties have used men’s and women’s issues to deepen cultural polarization. He argues that this zero-sum framing is harmful and obscures the shared interests of men and women. French also touches on demographic trends, such as declining marriage and fertility rates, which reflect a growing gap between people’s desires for family and the realities they face. He sees this gap as a source of anxiety and despair that political solutions have so far failed to address.

French acknowledges some political differences with the podcast host, particularly on issues like the Ukraine war and vaccine policies, but emphasizes the importance of focusing on common ground. He expresses hope that conversations like theirs can bridge divides and foster cooperation on shared cultural concerns.

The Path Forward: Intention, Care, and Community

Throughout the conversation, French returns to the theme of intentionality. He argues that virtuous masculinity does not develop by chance or cultural osmosis; it requires deliberate mentorship, care, and a vision that treats young men as adults capable of responsibility and growth. The message that “I care about you and want you to succeed in the right way” is, in French’s view, a vital antidote to the alienation many young men feel.

He also highlights encouraging signs, such as the widespread popularity of Admiral William McRaven’s “Make Your Bed” speech, which resonates across political and cultural lines. French believes that many Americans, regardless of ideology, recognize the need to support young men and are hungry for constructive approaches.