WORLD LEADING THERAPIST Answers The Biggest Questions People Ask In Therapy | Lori Gottlieb

Added: Aug 30, 2023

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Gottlieb emphasizes that boundaries are not about controlling other people's actions towards you, but rather about controlling your own actions based on what others do to you. Boundaries are meant to bring you closer to the other person, not to separate you.

Gottlieb explains that boundaries should be established early on in a relationship, as patterns are quickly established. She advises individuals to establish what they want in a relationship and communicate it to their partner. If the other person is not willing to respect those boundaries, it may be a sign that they are not a good fit for the relationship.

She also highlights the importance of maintaining boundaries. It is not enough to set a boundary once; it must be consistently upheld. If boundaries are broken, it sends the message that they can be disregarded, which can lead to further issues in the relationship.

Dealing with Social Anxiety

Gottlieb addresses the issue of social anxiety and how it can affect relationships. She explains that social anxiety often stems from relational or childhood issues. People with social anxiety may have been told negative stories about themselves or have experienced criticism or neglect in their past. These experiences can lead to a fear of not being liked or loved, which manifests as social anxiety.

To overcome social anxiety, Gottlieb suggests rewriting the story and challenging the negative beliefs. She encourages individuals to question their fears and gather evidence from other areas of their life that contradict those fears. It is important to focus on the present and not let past experiences dictate future relationships.

Gottlieb also recommends practicing curiosity and asking questions to engage with others. Instead of trying to entertain or impress, she advises showing genuine interest in the other person. People generally enjoy talking about themselves, and by asking questions and actively listening, deeper connections can be formed.

Navigating Relationship Challenges

In the podcast, Gottlieb addresses various relationship challenges, including differences in work ethic and ambition. She advises individuals to be realistic and understand that they cannot choose a partner "à la carte." It is important to recognize that no one will have all the desired qualities, and it is necessary to prioritize what truly matters in a relationship.

Gottlieb suggests focusing on character qualities rather than external factors. She highlights emotional stability and flexibility as two important predictors of a successful relationship. Emotional stability refers to the ability to self-regulate and have honest conversations, while flexibility involves being open to growth and change.

She also emphasizes the importance of communication and setting realistic expectations. It is essential to have open and honest conversations about each other's goals, values, and boundaries. By understanding and supporting each other's growth, couples can navigate challenges and build a stronger relationship.

Gottlieb acknowledges that relationships require work and growth. She mentions that people often grow more in couples therapy than in individual therapy because they are forced to confront their issues within the context of a relationship. It is important to approach challenges with compassion and a willingness to change dance steps to improve the dynamic.

Setting boundaries and feeling exhausted

Gottlieb discusses the topic of setting boundaries in relationships and the exhaustion that can come with it. She acknowledges that it can be tiring to be the one constantly setting agreements and encouraging positivity. She suggests that if someone feels burdened by this role, they should ask themselves why they are trying so hard and how it is serving them. Sometimes, people may be repeating patterns from their past, trying to win or change someone, but it is important to let go of these patterns and find someone who is willing to meet their needs without trying to change them.

Curiosity and communication in relationships

Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of curiosity and communication in relationships. She suggests that instead of trying to control or set every rule, it is important to have open and genuine conversations with your partner. By being curious about their experiences and perspectives, you can come to a better understanding of each other. She also advises couples to hold hands during difficult conversations, as it can help calm their nervous systems and create a more vulnerable and open space for communication.

Dealing with discomfort in difficult conversations

Gottlieb provides advice on how to approach uncomfortable conversations. She suggests starting with yourself and reminding yourself that having these conversations is an act of kindness and a way to understand the other person better. It is important to approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to hear the other person's perspective. She also recommends framing the conversation as a dialogue rather than a monologue, where both parties have the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.

Knowing when you're settling in a relationship

When it comes to knowing if you're settling in a relationship, Gottlieb advises examining whether your desires and expectations are influenced by societal or cultural norms. It is important to differentiate between your own voice and the voices of those who have influenced you. She also suggests considering whether you are making compromises and sacrifices for the other person, as well as acknowledging the compromises they may be making for you. Instead of viewing relationships as a shopping experience, where you can pick and choose specific qualities, she encourages focusing on how you feel when you are with the person and whether you enjoy their company.

The value of journaling in personal growth

Gottlieb discusses the value of journaling in personal growth. She explains that journaling allows you to go into a deeper space than just thinking about your thoughts. It provides a space for reflection and self-exploration. By writing things down, you can gain clarity and organize your thoughts in a way that is not possible when they are just fleeting thoughts in your mind. Journaling also allows you to track your progress and growth over time, providing a tangible measure of change. It can also help you become aware of how you talk to yourself and provide an opportunity to be more compassionate and accountable.

Navigating breakups and grief

Gottlieb acknowledges that breakups can be one of the hardest relationship transitions. She compares it to grief, as it involves a loss of the present and future that you had imagined with the person. It is important to allow yourself to feel the grief and go through the stages of grief, which include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing that the other person's decision to end the relationship means that you are not compatible, and it is not a reflection of your worthiness or lovability. It is also important to be cautious when entering new relationships and not punish the new person for the actions of the previous partner. Instead, focus on learning from the past and moving forward with hope and caution.