James Sexton: Modern Life Wasn’t Built for Love — And We’re Paying the Price

In this podcast episode, James Sexton, a seasoned divorce lawyer and hospice volunteer, explores the complexities of modern relationships, marriage, and love amid societal shifts and technological changes. He discusses how traditional institutions like marriage have increasingly become fragile, influenced by cultural overcorrections, evolving gender roles, and the pervasive impact of social media and advertising. Sexton advocates for intentionality, communication, rituals, and emotional honesty as essential tools for maintaining meaningful partnerships in a world that often works against enduring connections.

The Modern Marriage Crisis and Relationship Economy

Sexton frames marriage as a "technology" with a catastrophic failure rate estimated between 56% and 76%, including divorces and unions maintained without genuine affection or solely for convenience. He critiques the legal and governmental framework of marriage, highlighting that the ostensibly personal contract is largely governed by external rules, such as prenups, which represent an inevitable "rule set" in the event of separation. Rather than romantic idealism, he views love and marriage through the lens of an economy—an exchange of value where two individuals share complementary contributions, not necessarily equal but mutually satisfying. Successful partnerships, according to Sexton, resemble the dynamic collaborations of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak or Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, where diverse inputs combine to create something greater than the sum of its parts.

Evolving Gender Roles and Societal Overcorrections

The podcast delves deeply into how shifting gender norms have impacted relationships. Sexton discusses the historical clarity of roles, where men were providers and protectors, and women were caregivers. He argues that while these roles were restrictive and sometimes oppressive, the reactionary swing toward enforced equality—expecting everyone to do everything equally—has created confusion and dissatisfaction. Sexton contends that contemporary society's insistence on erasing differences between men and women has resulted in a rigidity and a cultural "prison" that serves few well. He acknowledges biological and neurological differences, describing himself and his wife Lisa as a blend of masculine and feminine traits, which has helped them navigate complexities more effectively. The overcorrection in rejecting traditional gender distinctions, coupled with amplified antagonism on social media, has further destabilized the mutual understanding essential for romantic partnerships.

The Impact of Social Media and Advertising

Social media is portrayed as an amplifier of discord and dissatisfaction in gender and relationship dynamics. Sexton critiques how platforms feed an "attention economy" driven by engagement and outrage, often pitting men and women against each other. The algorithmic nature of social media prioritizes content that stokes division and insecurity, deepening cultural antagonism. Similarly, advertising is described as the antithesis of therapy, relentlessly conveying the message that people are "not okay" and need to buy or become something else. Sexton connects this constant barrage to the rising sense of unhappiness and confusion about identity and expectations, which trickles down to interpersonal relationships.

The Role and Meaning of Marriage Rituals

Sexton elevates the significance of rituals and symbolic acts surrounding marriage, referencing Joseph Campbell's work on myth and ritual transition. He suggests that one of marriage's greatest failings is the lack of meaningful transition rituals differentiating life before and after the vow. Sexton chose to mark his marriage with a physically painful tattoo as a form of scarification, a permanent reminder of a profound life change and commitment. Such rituals serve to solidify intent and acknowledge the seriousness required to sustain a lifelong partnership. While the legal act of marriage may be flawed or insufficient, the wedding ceremony and symbolic commitments hold immense emotional power.

The Necessity of Clear Intentions and Roles in Relationships

Drawing parallels between starting a business and building a relationship, Sexton emphasizes the importance of explicitly defining goals, roles, and conflict-resolution mechanisms from the outset. He believes many couples "wing it" emotionally and fail to ask fundamental questions like "Why are we marrying?" or "What are we trying to create together?" Without these clarifications, relationships drift and suffer avoidable misunderstandings. He applauds couples like himself and Lisa who set practical frameworks, such as voting on decisions and pre-agreed protocols for handling stalemates, as foundational to their success.

The Challenge of Change and the Illusion of Stability

A core insight Sexton offers is the inevitability of personal change over time. Both partners evolve physically, mentally, and emotionally, which can strain relationships if partners expect static behavior or rely on marriage itself to change the other person. Sexton advises that couples expect change and commit to navigating it together rather than rely on marital status as a guarantee of transformation. Being "favorite persons" to each other means embracing complexity and renewal over decades.

Love as a Verb and Preventative Maintenance

Sexton makes a strong case for treating love like a vocation and a skill requiring daily attention rather than a passive feeling. Love is an action—expressed through words, rituals, and small gestures—that needs regular upkeep. He critiques the misconception that loving well should be effortless, arguing instead that marriage involves intentional effort, such as weekly check-ins to exchange feedback on what made each feel loved or disconnected. Sexton's approach insists that honest communication about needs and disappointments prevents the accumulation of resentment and keeps intimacy vibrant.

The Importance of Sexual Connection

Sexual satisfaction is highlighted as a critical pillar of relationship health, with Sexton urging couples to "get their sex life right." He warns against routines born of familiarity and assumptions, which can dull passion. Instead, fostering ongoing dialogue about desires, boundaries, and unmet needs is necessary. Sexton suggests playful, curious conversations that explore attraction beyond the mechanics of sex, recognizing the different ways men and women experience desire. He emphasizes that such communication need not be clinical but can deepen emotional connection and renew excitement.

The Gap in Relationship Education

A significant critique is that modern society invests heavily in academic and technical skills but neglects to teach fundamental relationship skills, such as conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and communication. Sexton notes the absurdity that people spend years learning math or science but rarely receive guidance on resolving conflicts with loved ones or expressing their feelings productively. This void contributes directly to high rates of marital dissatisfaction and breakdown.

The Breakdown of Shared Social Narratives and Traditions

Sexton laments the loss of shared values and collective meaning in culture, which used to provide a "north star" guiding couples and communities. He argues that the dissolution of social rituals, decreasing collective identity, and competing ideological narratives have left individuals untethered. This cultural fragmentation erodes the social fabric supporting family and intimate relationships, making them more vulnerable to failure.

The Role of Death Awareness and Hospice Volunteering

Interweaving personal experience, Sexton describes how his work as a hospice volunteer profoundly shaped his perspective on life, love, and relationships. Regular exposure to death taught him the preciousness and impermanence of human connections. He highlights how recognizing the finitude of life enables greater gratitude and presence in relationships. Sexton advocates for normalizing death awareness and even proposes mandatory hospice volunteering for young adults to cultivate maturity and appreciation for love's fleeting nature.

Gender Dynamics and Misunderstandings

The conversation frequently returns to gender differences and misunderstandings, which have become more fraught in recent years. Sexton asserts that men and women remain biologically distinct yet socially pressured into impossible models of sameness or political correctness. These pressures contribute to confusion over expectations and lead to emotional withdrawal or conflict. Sexton stresses that acknowledging and respecting these differences with flexibility rather than rigid ideology is crucial for relational success.

Negotiation and Communication Strategies in Intimacy

Addressing sex and household negotiations, Sexton underscores the importance of how questions are framed, noting that confrontational or accusatory approaches tend to shut down dialogue. Instead, starting conversations from a place of positive connection, curiosity, and story-sharing can foster intimacy and openness. Sexton shares techniques that leverage emotional intelligence and even "manipulating" emotions creatively—but ethically—to navigate sensitive topics. He encourages couples to build playful and honest communication habits as preventative maintenance rather than crisis management.

Critical Reflection on the Role of Children and Life Purpose

Sexton challenges the cultural narrative that having children should be one's highest accomplishment. He argues this perpetuates a reductive biological imperative rather than recognizing the broader potentials of human fulfillment and achievement. While valuing fatherhood and parenting, he insists that identity and purpose should not be confined to reproduction alone. This critique extends to societal values that pressure individuals into predetermined roles, often at the expense of personal authenticity.

The Tension Between Professionalism and Vulnerability

Throughout the conversation, Sexton presents a duality: the "weapon" of his courtroom skills—used to advocate, persuade, and strategize—and his more vulnerable, compassionate side shaped by hospice work and personal reflection. He balances martial prowess with empathy, highlighting how both facets contribute to his purpose of service. Sexton's narrative reveals how professional strength and emotional openness coexist and can mutually reinforce a meaningful life.

The Existential Perspective on Life, Love, and Meaning

Embedded in Sexton's worldview is an acceptance of impermanence and mystery. He views life as a transient performance, where love is an ephemeral but profoundly valuable experience. Sexton resists simplifying God or meaning into concrete images or rituals, embracing the unknowable and focusing on gratitude for the present moment. This existential humility informs his perspective on relationships, encouraging people to cherish the limited time they share without illusions of permanence.

Gratitude and Mindful Presence

The episode closes on a note of deep gratitude. Sexton reflects on the everyday blessings often overlooked amid life's distractions and pressures. He challenges listeners to remember that waking up, breathing, and loving others are miracles not to be taken for granted. This mindfulness serves as an antidote to the cultural forces promoting dissatisfaction and disconnection, anchoring listeners to what truly matters.

Public Engagement and Resources

James Sexton directs listeners to various platforms where his insights and work can be accessed, including his law firm website, social media channels, YouTube show, and his book available in multiple languages and formats. He invites people to engage with his content for further exploration of relationship dynamics, legal realities of marriage and divorce, and personal growth.