Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

In this podcast episode, Andrew Huberman interviews Terry Real, a renowned therapist and expert in male psychology and male-female romantic dynamics. They delve into the contemporary mental health crisis affecting men, exploring the evolving definitions of masculinity, relational skills necessary for emotional health, and the importance of fraternity and community. The discussion covers how men can cultivate a strong self-concept, manage emotions effectively in relationships, and build resilience against the pressures of modern life. Terry Real offers direct, practical advice on navigating these challenges while maintaining authenticity and balance between strength and vulnerability.

The Crisis of Modern Masculinity

Terry Real outlines the root of the current crisis affecting men as a profound shift in traditional male roles. The disappearance of clear, healthy templates leaves many men uncertain about what it means to be a man today. This confusion is compounded by the societal reactions to feminism and the cultural backlash that glorifies outdated, aggressive masculinity. Real emphasizes that this regressive stance—celebrating power, dominance, and entitlement—does not foster well-being or happiness. Instead, men grapple without sufficient guidance, leading to widespread mental health issues, including high rates of depression and suicide among men.

Traditional Masculinity and Its Limitations

The conversation highlights the restrictive nature of traditional masculinity, which equates manhood with stoicism and invulnerability. Men are culturally conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and other people, a practice described as a form of psychological patriarchy. This disconnect impedes authentic emotional connection, which is essential for human bonding and psychological health. Real asserts that denying vulnerability is both a lie and a source of chronic anxiety and depression among men. He calls for moving beyond these limited, damaging models toward greater emotional openness rooted in skill and context.

Emotional Expression in Men: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

Real discusses how men can authentically express emotions like sadness and frustration without being perceived as childish or overly demanding. The key lies in framing emotional expression as a negotiation rather than as a demand. Healthy emotional communication involves asking for help, sharing feelings subjectively, and engaging partners with humility and connection, rather than merely unloading emotions. Men should aim for relationally attuned vulnerability that invites reciprocity and understanding, avoiding selfishness or emotional dumping.

The Importance of Relationship Skills and Connection

The episode stresses that beyond merely feeling emotions, men must cultivate practical relationship skills to sustain connections. Vulnerability and emotional openness alone aren't enough; these must be complemented by responsibility, giving, and skillful communication. Real points out that emotional connection fosters what he calls "relational joy"—a deep, sustaining pleasure derived from being connected with others. This relational joy contrasts with fleeting gratification, which dominates many men's lives and is insufficient for lasting fulfillment.

Navigating Conflict and Criticism in Relationships

Addressing the frequent conflicts between partners, Real offers guidance on how to transform criticism into constructive feedback. He encourages focusing on requests rather than complaints and communicating in a way that invites collaboration rather than opposition. Using structured approaches like the "feedback wheel," partners can share perceptions and feelings while jointly working toward repair. Men particularly benefit from this approach because their self-esteem is often tied to performance, making harsh criticism debilitating rather than motivating.

Fraternity and Male Community: Filling the Relational Void

Terry Real emphasizes the essential role male community plays in men's development and well-being. Traditional vessels for male bonding—such as social clubs, sports groups, and casual gatherings—have diminished or transformed, leaving many men isolated. The absence of trusted, relational male networks contributes to loneliness and poor mental health. Real advocates for men's groups and other forms of intentional fraternity, where men can practice vulnerability, offer honest feedback, and hold one another accountable, ultimately sustaining both individual growth and healthier romantic relationships.

Expanding Masculine Identity Over Time

The podcast traces the evolution of masculine identity from the narrow stoic template prevalent in the mid-20th century to the wider, more eclectic expressions seen since the late 20th century. The emergence of varied masculinities—from rugged athletes to artistic and emotionally expressive men—reflects an expansion of what it means to be male. Despite this broader cultural buffet, many men still struggle to reconcile emotional openness with cultural expectations of strength and responsibility, resulting in confusion over role identity.

The Role of Parenting and Early Development in Male Psychology

Real discusses how early childhood experiences, family dynamics, and absence or presence of fathers influence male psychological development. He highlights how boys often adopt maladaptive roles such as caretakers to a distressed mother, shaping ambivalent or avoidant patterns in adult relationships. The impact of neglect—both emotional and physical—can be as damaging as overt abuse. Healthy development requires multiple nurturing relationships and mentors to counterbalance these wounds and support the growth of mature relational capacities.

The Adaptive and Natural Child Within

Exploring inner psychological dynamics, Real distinguishes between the "natural child"—the playful, explorative, and lovable core—and the "adaptive child," which arises as a survival mechanism in response to trauma and relational stress. The adaptive child's automatic fight, flight, or caretaking responses can hijack adult behavior and impede connection. Therapeutic and relational work involves recognizing when one is in this reactive state and consciously re-engaging the wise, adult "prefrontal cortex" to restore mindful relational interaction.

Managing Emotional Flooding: Responsible Distance Taking

A vital skill discussed is the management of emotional flooding during conflict. Taking responsible breaks, or "distance taking," allows individuals to regain composure before continuing difficult conversations. Successful use of this strategy involves clear communication, contracts with partners about the nature and timing of breaks, and reassurance to prevent feelings of abandonment. This approach helps maintain connection despite temporary withdrawal and supports healthy emotional regulation.

Addiction and Disconnection

Real ties addiction and compulsive behaviors fundamentally to pain caused by relational disconnection. Substances and compulsive behaviors act as "misery stabilizers," numbing loneliness but ultimately worsening isolation. Effective recovery necessitates restoring intimacy and connection—to oneself and others—alongside addressing trauma and personality immaturity. Twelve-step programs are praised for both their practical tools for sobriety and their emphasis on fellowship, listening, and shared vulnerability, which counteract loneliness.

The Challenge and Necessity of Relational Repair

The podcast frames all relationships as cyclical processes of closeness, disruption, and repair. Relational success depends on learning to navigate these cycles skillfully, especially moving back from disruption into connection without defensive or reactive patterns. Repair requires humility, communication of needs, and a willingness to work as a team. Learning these repair skills transforms relationships and supports personal growth, making connection both a challenge and a source of joy.

Self-Esteem and Accountability in Men

Real highlights a central developmental issue for men: cultivating healthy self-esteem that is based on intrinsic worth rather than external performance. Men often stake their value on accomplishments, physical strength, or sexual prowess, leading to shame when these falter. A mature self-esteem allows men to take responsibility for mistakes, feel proportionate remorse without sinking into self-loathing, and maintain warm regard for themselves as imperfect humans. This internal security is foundational to relational accountability and resilience.

Practical Approaches for Cultivating Healthy Masculinity

Throughout the conversation, Real offers direct, actionable advice for men seeking to embody a balanced, healthy masculinity. This includes developing emotional literacy, practicing vulnerability as a skill, learning relational communication techniques like feedback wheels, and engaging in communities that foster honest, supportive male relationships. Real emphasizes the pursuit of wholeness—integrating strength, tenderness, autonomy, and connection—and challenges men to redefine strength as skillfulness rather than domination or hardness.

The Ecological and Relational Nature of Human Life

Terry Real articulates a vision of humans as inherently relational and ecological beings inseparable from their social environment. Healthy masculinity involves stewardship of relationships and communities rather than domination or isolation. This ecological mindset counters cultural myths of independence and underscores that thriving depends on interconnectedness, mutual care, and belonging. Men are inspired to see their purposes and identities within the broader "biosphere" of family, friendships, and society, fostering both personal and collective well-being.