Divorce Expert: The Early Signs of Infidelity | James Sexton

James Sexton outlines the legal risks inherent in marriage, framing it as a contract that many enter without fully understanding its consequences. He argues that given the roughly 53% divorce rate, marrying can be seen as negligent or even reckless behavior. Additionally, a significant portion of couples remain together unhappily—estimates suggest around 73%—which reflects a broader societal reluctance to confront the realities of marital difficulties. Sexton advocates for premarital education and legal counseling before marriage, emphasizing how marriages often fail due to people not knowing or expressing what they want from their relationships.

Why People Stay Married or Divorce

Having handled over 2,000 divorces, Sexton shares his insights into why couples either stay together or separate. He observes that the root issues often come down to disconnection—both from oneself and from one's partner—and the inability to communicate needs clearly. While affairs are commonly blamed for divorce, Sexton contends that infidelity usually begins with a craving for attention and emotional connection rather than sex, emphasizing how social media and benign interactions outside the marriage often open the door to these breaches.

Early Signs Marriages Are Going Sideways

Sexton describes how he can often "smell" when a marriage is failing, based on the subtle ways couples interact. Red flags usually manifest as an absence of positive behaviors rather than the presence of overt problems. For example, happy couples tend to genuinely cheer for each other and express interest, while troubled couples show signs like eye-rolling, disengagement, and contempt. Criticism, even when constructive, is a major warning sign, as it can erode intimacy and feelings of safety within the relationship.

Maintaining Love Requires Attention

One of the core reasons marriages deteriorate, Sexton explains, is that couples stop paying attention to each other. The initial excitement fades, and partners often assume that legal obligation replaces the need for ongoing effort. He stresses that love must be actively maintained through small acts like kind words, appreciation, and acknowledging each other's needs. These small, consistent actions—such as remembering a partner's favorite sparkling water or leaving thoughtful notes—can significantly strengthen a relationship, much like exercise maintains physical fitness.

Behavior Modification Through Positive Reinforcement

Sexton shares an illustrative story about how positive reinforcement works better than criticism in creating desirable changes within a relationship. By praising a partner for behaviors you want to encourage rather than focusing on faults, couples can shape each other's actions lovingly. This approach fosters cooperation and makes partners feel valued rather than criticized, which in turn fuels a positive feedback loop in marriage.

The Value and Vulnerability of Love

Drawing from personal experience and his observations, Sexton articulates that love is both fragile and infinitely capacious. He compares love to the affection people have for their dogs—temporary, precious, and needing conscious care because it won't last forever. Every marriage ends either in divorce or death, but the goal is for that ending to come naturally through a shared lifetime rather than a forced separation. Love requires courage since opening oneself to love also means accepting the risk of loss.

Remarriage and Learning from Failure

Despite high divorce rates, Sexton notes that 86% of people remarry within five years of a divorce. He reasons that second marriages often come with more self-knowledge, reduced fear, and lessons learned from past mistakes, allowing individuals to approach love with wiser perspectives. Failure, in this context, is framed as a powerful teacher that can lead to better relationships in the future.

Infidelity Starts With Attention, Not Sex

Sexton challenges common assumptions by explaining that affairs rarely begin with sexual intent. Instead, they usually start with interest and emotional engagement that mimic how relationships form initially. The explosion of social media exacerbates this by providing seemingly innocent ways to reconnect with others, which then may evolve into emotional or physical affairs. The excitement of being noticed and desired by someone new often fills unmet emotional needs in a marriage.

The Importance of Communication and "Loving Behavior Modification"

A recurring theme is that communication—or the lack thereof—is the foundation of marital health or decay. Sexton encourages couples to have honest conversations about what behaviors make them feel loved versus neglected. He introduces the concept of loving behavior modification, where partners use affection, romance, and positive feedback as tools to influence and support each other's growth without resorting to criticism or contempt.

Prenuptial Agreements Are Essential for Everyone

Sexton is firm that everyone should have a prenuptial agreement, calling it inevitable—either one drafted by the couple or the state's default rules. He points out how many marry without understanding that government laws will dictate asset division upon divorce, often to their detriment. As attitudes shift, prenups are becoming more common and even democratized through online platforms that offer affordable, enforceable agreements. Sexton also shares some of the most unusual prenup provisions he has encountered, illustrating how these contracts can be tailored pragmatically to protect both parties.

The Role of Premarital Education and Legal Awareness

Noting how easy it is to get married with minimal preparation, Sexton makes a case for mandatory premarital education and at least one hour consulting a divorce lawyer before obtaining a marriage license. Such requirements would raise the bar for entry into marriage, encourage informed decision-making, and reduce the shock and pain many experience during divorce due to ignorance about legal and financial consequences. This approach aims to create healthier relationships through knowledge and realistic expectations.

Balancing Individuality and Partnership in Marriage

Sexton underscores the importance of partners maintaining their individuality—what he calls the "you, the me, and the we"—especially after having children. He notes the "nanny fascination," where husbands become attracted to the nanny who represents aspects of the wife before motherhood, including independence and mystery. To prevent this, he advocates for both partners nurturing their personal identities and interests alongside their family roles, which enriches the marital relationship and reduces temptations.

The Emotional Reality of Divorce Lawyering

Sexton offers a window into his dual roles as a tough, sometimes ruthless divorce litigator and a deeply empathetic human being. He explains how legal advocacy requires a "weaponized" persona to protect clients but also necessitates conscience and kindness to handle the emotional complexities of human relationships. His perspective is shaped by his upbringing, literary influences, and personal losses, which temper his approach with compassion despite the adversarial nature of his profession.

Maintaining Romance Through Small Gestures

Humorously, Sexton delineates what he believes to be the male equivalent of receiving flowers: nudes. He talks openly about how men are visual creatures and how mutual efforts to express affection—whether through gifts, compliments, or playful interactions—help sustain sexual and emotional intimacy. This mutual give-and-take of romantic gestures is essential to keeping the "glue" of sex and connection alive in long-term relationships.

Coping With Conflict and Criticism in Healthy Ways

Healthy couples fight, Sexton emphasizes, but they fight fairly—without low blows or weaponizing intimacy. Making jokes at a partner's expense in front of others, for instance, is harmful and disrespectful. He discusses how couples can learn to approach conflict as a team rather than adversaries, focusing on restoring connection rather than inflicting damage, which preserves the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

The Impact of Cultural Expectations and Tradition

Sexton critiques how societal norms and traditions pressure individuals into marriage without questioning if it's the right choice for them. He points out that just because previous generations married does not mean that model is optimal today, given changes in society, economics, and personal values. He encourages people to make pragmatic, informed decisions about marriage rather than defaulting to cultural expectations.

Insights from Literature and Personal Experience

Throughout the conversation, Sexton references poetry, literature, and personal anecdotes that shape his worldview—poems by Joseph Brodsky and Charles Bukowski, as well as novels like "All the Light We Cannot See" and "Unworld." These works amplify themes of love's vulnerability, loss, resilience, and human complexity that he routinely sees mirrored in his legal practice and personal life. His approach melds intellectual curiosity with emotional depth, enriching his perspective on marriage and divorce.

Navigating the Complexities of Relationships and Divorce

Finally, Sexton acknowledges that human relationships are complex and morally ambiguous. There are no simple villains or heroes in divorce; people make mistakes and hurt others often unintentionally. This nuanced understanding informs his belief that while divorce is painful and fraught, it can also lead to personal growth, freedom, and eventually happier, healthier relationships in subsequent marriages.