How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback | Sheila Heen | Tim Ferriss Show

Added: Nov 10, 2023

The podcast delves into the importance of difficult conversations in our most important relationships. Heen emphasizes that these conversations are the relationship, and they define a good or bad relationship. She provides valuable insights into how to approach feedback and difficult conversations, offering practical advice and examples to illustrate her points.

One of the key takeaways from the podcast is the importance of understanding the different types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Heen explains that appreciation is about recognizing the value in someone's work or efforts, coaching is about providing guidance to help improve, and evaluation is about rating or ranking the work. She emphasizes that all three types of feedback are necessary for learning and growth, but different situations may call for different types of feedback.

Heen also discusses the importance of asking for specific feedback. When seeking feedback, it's important to be clear about what you need. For example, if you're looking for coaching, ask for specific guidance on how to improve. If you're looking for evaluation, ask for a rating or ranking of your work. By being specific about the type of feedback you need, you can ensure that you receive the most relevant and helpful input.

The podcast also delves into the art of receiving feedback, particularly in difficult or sensitive situations. Heen shares a personal example of a challenging experience she faced early in her career, where she had to navigate a situation involving sexual harassment. She explains how she approached the situation, the insights she gained, and the feedback she received from readers about the example in her book. This example highlights the complexities of receiving feedback and the importance of understanding different perspectives.

Another important point discussed in the podcast is the role of curiosity in receiving feedback. Heen emphasizes the importance of approaching feedback with an open mind and a curious attitude. Instead of immediately reacting to feedback, she suggests asking questions to gain a deeper understanding of the feedback and the intentions behind it. This approach can help to de-escalate difficult situations and lead to more productive conversations.

One of the key points discussed is the difference between coaching and evaluation. Heen explains that coaching often contains a little bit of evaluation, as it suggests that there is room for improvement. However, evaluation is more about rating or ranking against a set of standards, while coaching focuses on the what and how of improving. The conversation highlights the importance of understanding the giver's intentions and the receiver's perceptions when it comes to feedback.

Heen also introduces the concept of "phone a friend" as a low-risk, high-reward way to cultivate the ability to look at things from multiple perspectives and receive feedback well. This involves reaching out to a trusted friend to help process feedback, first by being a supportive mirror and then by being an honest mirror. This approach can help individuals see what might be right about the feedback and what might be legitimate but hard to see on their own.

The conversation also delves into the challenges of receiving feedback in personal relationships, particularly in the context of dating. Ferriss shares his experiences and observations, emphasizing the importance of paying attention to how one feels around a potential partner. He highlights the significance of feeling at ease and being able to be one's best self in a relationship, as well as the need for mutual agreement on how to handle conflicts and navigate them together.

The discussion also touches on the work of the Gottman Institute, known for its research on marriage and long-term relationships. Heen acknowledges the value of the institute's work in studying what correlates with happily married couples and identifying variables such as eye-rolling as indicators of relationship fraying and divorce.

Another key subject is the importance of understanding the different perspectives involved in any feedback exchange. Heen emphasizes the need to recognize the three positions in any conflict or feedback situation: your perspective, the other person's perspective, and a neutral observer's perspective. By acknowledging these different viewpoints, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of the underlying issues and work towards more effective communication.

The conversation also delves into the concept of "loaded topics" and chronic irritations in relationships. Heen and Ferriss discuss the significance of identifying deal breakers and setting boundaries in personal and professional interactions. They highlight the value of open and honest communication, as well as the need to address recurring issues with humor and affection, while still being direct and honest.

The podcast also explores the idea of feedback as a two-way street. Heen emphasizes the importance of soliciting feedback from others and creating a culture of open communication. By actively seeking input from colleagues, friends, and family members, individuals can gain valuable insights into their own behavior and areas for improvement.

Additionally, Heen and Ferriss discuss the role of empathy and understanding in feedback exchanges. They stress the importance of recognizing the impact of one's actions on others and being receptive to constructive criticism. By approaching feedback with a sense of curiosity and a willingness to learn, individuals can foster more meaningful and productive interactions.

The conversation also touches on the concept of "one thing" as a powerful tool for eliciting feedback. Heen suggests that asking for one specific piece of feedback can lower the stakes and make it easier for others to provide input. This approach can help individuals identify areas for growth and improvement in a more focused and actionable way.