Stanford Psychologist: When Someone Doesn’t Want Help, it Means 1 of 3 Things. Do This to Help Them!

The Core of Human Suffering: Invalidation and Loneliness

Dr. Fleck begins by addressing what she believes to be the root cause of much human pain: invalidation. She explains that the most excruciating pain for many people is feeling “crazy” or alone, as if no one else understands their experience. This sense of isolation and being misunderstood is the genesis of profound suffering, anger, and even violence on both personal and societal levels. When people feel invalidated—especially by those closest to them or by society at large—they often internalize feelings of worthlessness and unlovability, which can spiral into depression, self-harm, and suicidality.

She highlights how marginalized groups, such as those in the LGBTQ+ community, often face heightened rates of self-harm and suicide due to systemic invalidation and rejection. This underscores the critical importance of validation as a healing and protective force.

Validation: The Pathway to Connection and Healing

Dr. Fleck’s work centers on the skill of validation, which she defines as the act of recognizing and affirming another person’s feelings and experiences without judgment or dismissal. She emphasizes that validation is not about agreeing with someone’s behavior or choices but about acknowledging the reality of their emotions and perspective. This distinction is crucial, especially when dealing with people whose actions or beliefs we might not agree with.

In relationships, validation is foundational to genuine love and connection. Dr. Fleck asserts that love is contingent upon validation; without feeling truly seen and accepted, love can feel superficial or conditional. She advises that when someone comes to us with a problem, we must first discern whether they need validation or problem-solving. Often, people seek validation first—to feel heard and understood—before they are ready to engage in solutions.

When Someone Doesn’t Want Help: Understanding the Barriers

One of the most challenging situations Dr. Fleck discusses is when a loved one is clearly suffering but refuses help. She explains that this resistance usually stems from one of three core beliefs: they don’t think help will work, they don’t believe they are capable of change, or they don’t trust that anyone can truly understand them. These beliefs create a formidable barrier to recovery.

Dr. Fleck stresses the importance of heavy validation in these moments, meeting the person where they are without pushing too hard, which can increase resistance. She encourages supporters to gently challenge these beliefs by offering small, non-threatening opportunities for connection, such as accompanying them to a support group or simply spending time together without pressure.

Importantly, she reminds listeners that they are not God and cannot control another person’s choices or outcomes. This realization, while difficult, is liberating and necessary to avoid burnout and codependency. The best we can do is to create a strong alliance based on trust and validation, providing reasons for the person to hold on and eventually engage in healing.

Using Suffering as Fuel for Purpose and Service

Dr. Fleck shares her own story of enduring a decade-long battle with severe depression and later overcoming breast cancer. She reveals that her motivation to survive and heal was deeply tied to her sense of purpose in serving others. For her, suffering became a source of energy that could either consume or propel forward. She advocates for channeling pain into service—whether caring for others, animals, plants, or causes—as a powerful way to transform suffering into meaning.

During her chemotherapy, despite physical and emotional exhaustion, Dr. Fleck found profound validation and strength in the support of her clients, who unexpectedly became caretakers of her spirit. This reciprocal care exemplifies how connection and service can create resilience even in the darkest times.

The Role of Self-Awareness and Mindfulness in Healing

Dr. Fleck discusses the significant role that self-awareness and meditation played in her recovery. She explains that depression often feels like a relentless, overwhelming storm of negative thoughts and emotions. Meditation helped her create a separation between herself and these thoughts, allowing her to observe them without being consumed. This decoupling of identity from negative beliefs is a critical step in rewiring the brain toward more empowering patterns.

She acknowledges that meditation can be extremely difficult during deep depression, sometimes even contraindicated, but with persistence, it fosters a crucial gap that enables healing. Alongside meditation, she emphasizes the importance of building habits and protocols to maintain mental health and prevent relapse.

The Complexity of Mental Illness and Social Context

The conversation touches on the relationship between mental illness and social factors such as being single or having children. Dr. Fleck notes that while parenting brings its own stresses, it can also provide a compelling reason to live and care for oneself, potentially reducing suicidal ideation. Conversely, single individuals may face more self-focused suffering, which can exacerbate mental health challenges. She highlights the importance of caring for others as a protective factor and a way to redirect energy away from self-destructive cycles.

The Power of Sharing Personal Stories

Dr. Fleck reveals that sharing her own experiences with depression and trauma has been a turning point in therapy for many clients. Her openness creates a unique form of validation that can break through isolation and despair. She stresses that this kind of vulnerability is a superpower, turning shame and pain into a source of connection and hope.

Practical Advice for Supporting Someone Who is Suffering

For those supporting someone in mental health crisis, Dr. Fleck advises a delicate balance of validation, clear boundaries, and gentle encouragement toward action. She warns against enabling harmful behaviors, such as substance abuse or compulsive rituals, by providing resources that prevent recovery. Instead, she encourages supporters to validate the pain while also setting limits and promoting small steps toward change.

Accountability and partnership are key; letting the person know they are not alone and that you will walk alongside them can foster the trust needed for healing. However, she reiterates that ultimately, change must come from within the individual.

Defining Greatness and Leaving a Legacy

Toward the end of the podcast, Dr. Fleck reflects on what she would leave as her three core truths: don’t squander your suffering, validation is the path to love, and you are enough as you are. She defines greatness not as perfection but as the continual, non-judgmental striving to do better for oneself and the world.