Find REAL Love & Have Better Sex! | Esther Perel

Understanding Sexuality

Esther begins by reflecting on how cultural shifts profoundly impact relationships and sexuality, using contrasting examples between European and American attitudes. She points out that in the United States, sex remains a taboo subject, especially concerning sex education. Despite abstinence campaigns, American teenagers engage in sexual activity earlier than in more liberal countries like the Netherlands, which provide comprehensive sex education from a young age. Esther argues that repression and puritanical attitudes around sex ironically incite a form of sexuality that often leans toward smut and titillation rather than healthy exploration. She stresses how educating people about sexuality early on fosters responsibility and respect, as opposed to ignorance breeding riskier and more problematic behaviors.

The Challenges of Modern Relationships

Esther outlines what she sees as the four key cornerstones that often lead to the demise of a relationship: indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence — including microaggressions that are less obvious but equally damaging. Indifference involves the erosion of caring and interest, ultimately signaling a loss of meaning and connection between partners. Neglect happens when partners take each other for granted, prioritizing everything else over their relationship after the initial passion fades, causing complacency and laziness. Even non-physical violence such as passive-aggressive behavior and disrespect becomes a source of harm when tolerated between intimate partners. Contempt, she highlights as the most corrosive force of all, where one partner degrades and dismisses the other, effectively killing the relationship's emotional foundation.

She discusses how these dynamics develop over time, often rooted in the patterns we learn early in life from our families of origin. The relationship we have with our parents is seen as a major influence on what we expect and bring into adult partnerships, including trust, jealousy, possessiveness, and modes of communication.

Sex, Desire, and Erotic Intelligence

A large part of the conversation focuses on sex as both a site of revolution and confusion in modern love. For most of human history, sex was primarily about procreation or a marital duty, often heavily gendered against women. But in just the last 60 years, thanks to contraception, women's liberation, and cultural movements around identity, sex has transformed into an essential part of personal identity and an expression of connection and pleasure.

Esther reflects on how desire is maintained or lost in long-term relationships. She notes a consistent finding in research: women's sexual desire tends to decline more sharply post-marriage than men's, but not because women care less about sex — quite the opposite. Women need a stimulating "story," romance, and a seductive narrative within the relationship, which often disappears after the honeymoon phase. She likens desire to a dynamic dance of "pacing" and teasing, much like animals engage in, where playful emotional risk-taking and curiosity ignite erotic energy.

Desire is rooted less in the sexual act itself than in a fuller sense of vitality and aliveness within oneself. People become more desirable when they are confident, engaged in their passions, and alive in their own element. Love requires balancing caregiving with playfulness and risk, where partners must continually "calibrate" their interactions—sometimes taking care, sometimes being mischievous—to keep desire vibrant.

Esther emphasizes that sustaining sex in committed relationships demands intention and creativity, not merely routine or obligation. Sex that "just works" is often not enough; relationships thrive on curiosity and continual reinvention. She also critiques the common attitude that good relationships require minimal effort, contrasting it with how entrepreneurs and businesses succeed through constant nurturing, incentives, and creativity.

Marriage and The Evolution of Commitment

Delving into history, Esther explains that marriage historically was an economic institution focused on property, lineage, and social order rather than love or sexual fulfillment. Love-based, romantic marriage is a relatively recent invention, emerging in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, alongside the rise of individualism and shifts in social structures. This new model demands intimacy, trust, and passion within the same relationship, which is unprecedented and complex to maintain, especially given longer lifespans.

She describes how modern couples must continually redefine their relationships as they age, change roles, raise children, or face life's inevitable transitions. Those who navigate this well do so by embodying flexibility and fluidity—qualities familiar to entrepreneurs reinventing their companies over time.

The Future of Relationships

Esther offers a compassionate and progressive view on divorce, arguing it should not be seen as failure but rather as part of the natural evolution of relationships. A relationship lasting many years, even ending in separation, can represent success in companionship, growth, and life shared. She advocates for "conscious uncoupling," where partners separate with gratitude and dignity, preserving a healthier legacy for themselves and any children involved.

She recognizes how families today are more diverse—blended, long-distance, or partners living apart by choice—reflecting a broader shift away from traditional family models. The growing phenomenon of living-apart-together relationships among older adults illustrates new ways of balancing connection and independence.

Regarding monogamy, Esther highlights that it has never been a fixed, natural state but rather a cultural and historical construct. Today's reality is that many people engage in serial or consensual non-monogamy, and relationship models are being renegotiated to fit individual values and desires. While some prefer stable monogamy, others thrive in open or polyamorous arrangements. What matters most is transparency, communication, and mutual agreement. Love's fundamental needs for connection and passion remain constant, but the forms and institutions that express them will continue to evolve.

Choosing and Cultivating Love

Esther advises that finding the right partner starts not with a checklist of desired qualities but with an honest reflection on what one wishes to give in love. Relationships flourish when both partners think beyond their own needs to how they contribute to the shared life they build.

She underscores the importance of curiosity, admiration, gratitude, and small everyday acts of appreciation. Thriving relationships involve continual engagement and intentional investment, not complacency. The couple's "summit meetings" or periodic check-ins are encouraged to address changes and growth proactively rather than waiting for crises.

Final Thoughts

Closing the conversation, Esther shares her vision of greatness as the ability to challenge accepted ideas and create transformational change, whether in individuals or institutions. She frames her work as helping people rewrite the stories of their relationships and lives with new possibilities—inspiring deeper connection, desire, and authenticity.

Her own life experience, from being shaped by the legacy of her parents' survival to her current roles as therapist and thought leader, underscores the richness and complexity of love, identity, and resilience.

This conversation with Esther Perel opens an invitation to rethink our assumptions about love, sex, commitment, and happiness. It challenges us to ask: In a world of endless options and evolving norms, how do we choose love—and keep desire alive—over a lifetime?