Why Most Men Fail At Home (The "Toolkit" Crisis) | Sage Steele Show | EP 90

In this podcast episode, Dr. John Delony shares his personal journey and insights into the challenges many men face in their roles at home and in relationships. The conversation touches on addiction, mental health, the importance of emotional tools, parenting challenges in the modern era, the impact of upbringing and trauma, and the pursuit of genuine connection and vulnerability within family dynamics. It also explores themes around forgiveness, masculinity, marriage, and the necessity of compassion both for oneself and others.

Addiction and Compassion

Dr. Delony opens with a candid reflection on addiction as a metaphor for various coping mechanisms, including his own workaholism. He discusses how society tends to reward certain addictions—like overworking—while stigmatizing others, such as drinking or sex addiction, often resulting in consequences like divorce or rehab for those affected. Despite all being "barely hanging on," there remains a lack of compassion toward those struggling, and he emphasizes the importance of compassion in understanding why people turn to these substances or behaviors as protective mechanisms.

The "Toolkit" Crisis Among Men

A central theme is the concept of men lacking the right "tools" to navigate home life successfully. Dr. Delony explains that many men aim to be great fathers, husbands, and providers but discover that their emotional and relational toolkit is insufficient. Rather than innate skills, these tools often must be learned and developed, yet humility is required to acknowledge these gaps and seek out help or education. Without these tools, men often retreat into work, which becomes their only realm of success, inadvertently distancing themselves from the family and emotional connections they desire.

Personal Background and Early Influences

Dr. Delony shares about growing up with a father who was a homicide detective and hostage negotiator in Houston. This exposure to the darkest aspects of life cultivated a heightened sense of vigilance in him and shaped his worldview early on. Raised in a church environment with high expectations academically and athletically, coupled with early childhood trauma, he describes himself as a "meathead" who needed physical outlets to deal with internal struggles and to prove his worth. These formative experiences informed his need to flex and exert strength, often through loud and athletic behaviors like attending punk rock mosh pits—sanctioned spaces where one could safely release pent-up energy.

Academic and Career Journey

Despite initial uncertainty about fitting into his dream career in sports broadcasting, Dr. Delony adapted and eventually reached notable success. However, he felt unprepared emotionally and psychologically, coming to realize that achieving a goal like hosting SportsCenter was less the culmination and more the beginning of deeper work required. His shift toward mental health advocacy and public speaking provided alternative outlets for his energy and drive beyond media, guided by a faith-based foundation.

Parenting Challenges Today

The discussion pivots to the uniquely difficult terrain of parenting in a digital age rife with social media and instant connectivity. Dr. Delony describes the cultural pressures parents face, including the widespread early introduction of devices to children. He and his wife set boundaries around technology with their children to protect their nervous systems and encourage real-world engagement. They committed to collective parental decisions that made their household a "safe but structured" environment, counteracting peer pressure and digital chaos.

Emotional Safety and Modeling Behaviors

Emotional safety emerges as a key concept for healthy families. Dr. Delony recounts how his family's past struggles sometimes made him "not safe" emotionally to his youngest daughter, despite his best efforts. Through therapy and vulnerability, he managed to heal these wounds, thereby creating an environment where his children feel secure enough to express love and seek comfort. This underlines the message that children observe and internalize parental behaviors much more than verbal instructions.

Forgiveness and Letting Go of Resentment

Forgiveness is central to Dr. Delony's personal philosophy and healing. He credits an early counseling professor with teaching him that forgiveness is a gift one gives oneself to release the burden of past hurts, akin to setting down a heavy cinder block. This mindset enables him to maintain presence and love within his family without being weighed down by bitterness or blame, even toward his own father.

Marriage: Hard Work, Loyalty, and Rebuilding

Dr. Delony shares intimate details about his own marriage, including darker seasons where silence and emotional withdrawal threatened its foundation. He emphasizes the decision both spouses must make to either walk away or rebuild from scratch. His wife asked a pivotal question about how they wanted their home to feel, which sparked a transformative process. Loyalty, for him, became the most vital component—more so than looks or compatibility—and shaped a renewed perspective on enduring marriage. He also highlights the importance of modeling vulnerability, admitting mistakes, and doing the "next right thing" as pillars of marital health.

The Role of Friendship and Community for Parents

He discusses the loneliness many parents experience and the necessity of seeking adult friendship and community support. Because children cannot bear the weight of parental fears or the need to be liked, adults must look outward for connection and accountability to sustain the family structure effectively.

Navigating Anxiety and Emotions in Children

Dr. Delony explains that children's anxiety often reflects the emotional climate in a household more than external factors. His stock advice when asked about a child's anxiety is, "Fix your marriage," because children pick up on tensions and instability. He encourages parents to sit with their children in frustration and discomfort without rushing to fix emotions, thereby modeling healthy emotional regulation.

The Value of Asking Hard Questions

Drawing on experiences growing up listening to his father's work as a detective, Dr. Delony stresses the importance of asking honest, difficult questions in contexts of trauma or hardship. Naming reality—rather than avoiding or sugarcoating it—builds trust and enables problem-solving.

Embracing Failure and Resilience

In an insightful anecdote about bombing on stage during a comedy set, Dr. Delony illustrates the power of vulnerability and resilience. Being willing to fail publicly and then get up to try again represents a metaphor for how to live life's challenges. This aligns with his approach of embracing imperfection and continuing the work despite setbacks.

Fatherhood and Legacy

Through various stories, Dr. Delony highlights how fatherhood is a continual process of learning and presence. From telling his son he is human and nervous to apologizing openly within the family, he pursues a legacy of honesty, humility, and consistent love. He also emphasizes that children need anchors in life—structure, boundaries, and stability—to thrive.

Finding New Love and Second Chances

He shares the profound impact of his recent remarriage and how it represents hope and resurrection after divorce. His new marriage is grounded in shared faith, loyalty, and commitment to family as a team. Dr. Delony underscores the significance of creating a visible, healthy relationship model for his children and carrying forward a legacy of resilience and love.

Professional Role and Public Impact

Finally, Dr. Delony acknowledges the unique responsibility he holds in his professional role as a mental health advocate and media personality. He recognizes that many people rely on his guidance and example, which motivates him to remain truthful and compassionate, admitting when he's wrong and prioritizing empathy above all. He balances this with the understanding that he cannot carry everyone's burdens alone and encourages individuals to seek local support systems for deeper help.