Surviving Your Rock Bottom

In this conversation, host Rich Roll and guest Adam Skolnick explore navigating family holiday gatherings, understanding and rising from rock bottom, and setting meaningful goals and resolutions. They also delve into Adam's new novel American Tiger, reflecting on themes of identity, connection to nature, and the complex father-daughter relationship.

Dealing with Family Holiday Gatherings

The holiday season often brings complicated family dynamics that can feel repetitive and stressful. Adam emphasizes the importance of accepting one's powerlessness over others' behavior and relinquishing expectations that people will change, urging listeners to focus instead on controlling their own responses. A deliberate plan crafted before engaging in family events is crucial, focusing on self-care, maintaining boundaries, and knowing when and how to step away to protect one's mental health. Practical approaches include considering alternative accommodations like staying in a hotel, engaging in calming practices such as meditation and breath work, prioritizing sleep and exercise, and abstaining from alcohol, which tends to impair judgment.

Adam shares a mental strategy that helps maintain emotional neutrality: imagining the family gathering as a television show where characters behave predictably but are ultimately not personally threatening. This detachment aids in responding calmly rather than reacting emotionally. Additionally, he points out the value of recognizing that each person is right from their own perspective, shaped by their life experiences, which can help depersonalize conflict and foster compassion.

For those prone to people-pleasing tendencies, Adam acknowledges how accommodation can feel like a way to maintain peace but ultimately leads to self-betrayal by sacrificing personal needs. He encourages setting boundaries even if it disrupts family expectations, suggesting small, manageable steps like making an early exit or quietly asserting one's needs without grand declarations. Helping out practically during gatherings, such as cooking or cleaning, provides a way to stay engaged while avoiding difficult conversations. Ultimately, the goal is to cultivate a stance of calm, compassion, and self-respect amidst holiday pressures.

Understanding Rock Bottom

Adam clarifies that rock bottom is not a singular external event defined by worst-case circumstances but a subjective internal state marked by willingness to change. It is the point when the pain of one's situation surpasses the fear of doing things differently. Rock bottom is better understood as a decision or moment of readiness rather than a disaster, serving as a lever for transformation rather than a final defeat. He points out that it can happen at various depths—different people experience "bottom" differently—and one can choose to step off their downward trajectory before reaching an imagined lowest point.

Reflecting on his own experience, Adam illustrates how moments of rock bottom often carry profound shame and loneliness, yet they also herald the arrival of willingness, the critical ingredient for change. The key to emerging from rock bottom is to find even the smallest actions fueled by that willingness, and to be patient with the gradual progress that follows. Addressing shame is essential; Adam notes that shame thrives in isolation and darkness and can be diminished by "bringing it into the light" through honest conversations with trusted individuals, whether therapists, friends, or support groups. He shares the importance of immediate accountability in recovery, illustrating this through his own relapse and return to sobriety by quickly seeking support despite feelings of humiliation.

This process of exposing shame to compassionate understanding is vital for breaking free from destructive cycles and beginning a path toward healing and resilience.

Setting Goals and New Year's Resolutions

The discussion shifts to the evolving perspective on goal-setting and resolutions. Adam favors focusing on direction rather than rigid, specific goals, advocating for a long-term, values-driven approach over chasing short-term achievements. He highlights the common pitfalls of impatience and unrealistic expectations that cause many to abandon New Year's resolutions too soon. Maintaining a steady trajectory aligned with one's core values—rather than fixating on immediate results—builds resilience over time and nurtures sustained growth.

Adam advises deep reflection on why a goal matters and cautions against goals motivated purely by external pressures or material gains, which often fail to bring lasting fulfillment. He emphasizes the importance of intrinsic motivation and warns of the existential dissatisfaction that can follow accomplishing goals that do not address deeper personal needs. A flexible mindset that allows for adjustment and openness to unexpected "green lights" or new opportunities encourages presence and adaptability, which are more valuable than strict adherence to initial plans.

He describes his own goal-setting method involving six-month blocks tailored to his current circumstances, such as recovering from surgery and preparing for the New York City Marathon. This pragmatic and compassionate approach balances ambition with self-care.

Adam and Rich also address the cultural obsession with hustle and relentless productivity, acknowledging that while hard work and sacrifice are necessary for achieving greatness, the prevailing "hustle porn" culture is often unrealistic and damaging. They suggest focusing on sustainable effort that honors one's values and mental health rather than striving to emulate an extreme ideal promoted on social media.

For those uncertain about their goals or passions, Adam extols the practice of "morning pages," a daily journaling technique from The Artist's Way that helps clarify values, identify avoidance patterns, and uncover authentic desires over time. Coupled with good self-care, nourishing relationships, and time in nature, this practice supports deeper self-knowledge and decisive action without waiting for perfect clarity.

The conversation ends this segment on nurturing curiosity, presence, and service-mindedness as guiding principles over rigid goal-chasing.

American Tiger: Adam's Novel and Father-Daughter Themes

Adam introduces American Tiger, his recently published novel, which tells the true story of a motherless nine-year-old girl, Belle, who spots a tiger roaming suburban Los Angeles and seeks to prove its existence. The story unfolds as a father-daughter drama, focusing on Jay, the single dad and stoic game warden, and Belle's quest for identity connected not only to family secrets but to nature itself.

Unlike sensationalized "true crime" expectations, the novel incorporates elements of wonder and connection reminiscent of films like E.T., emphasizing humanity's inseparable relationship with the natural world. It challenges the modern perception of separation from nature and invites readers to see nature's enduring presence beneath the urban landscape.

Adam reflects on the complexities of the father-daughter bond, particularly the challenges of communication and mutual understanding during the fragile phase of early adolescence. Drawing from personal experience with his own daughters, he describes this relationship as filled with yearning and mismatch but also fleeting moments of closeness.

The journey of writing American Tiger was filled with internal doubt and external rejections, but Adam's perseverance was fueled by early positive feedback and symbolic "green lights," including a real-life encounter with a one-legged crow that seemed to affirm his creative path. The book represents a culmination of sustained effort, creative risk, and resilience, highlighting the intricate balance between discerning true obstacles and self-created doubts.

The novel is available through various outlets with an audiobook narrated by Adam forthcoming, and he expresses gratitude toward the podcast community for their ongoing support.