#1 Change Expert: A Better You Is On The Other Side of Pain

In this podcast episode, Dr. Maya Shankar, a renowned cognitive scientist and former White House behavioral science lead, shares profound insights on how change impacts the brain and identity. The conversation explores human resistance to change, the neurological discomfort with uncertainty, the role of identity in transformation, and harnessing curiosity and acceptance to navigate personal crises. Dr. Shankar draws from her own life experiences, extensive interviews, and research to highlight how painful change, though daunting, can serve as a catalyst for growth, reimagining ourselves, and discovering new possibilities.

The Nature of Change and the Brain's Forecasting Error

Dr. Shankar opens by explaining a fundamental misconception people hold about themselves: the belief that their current self will be the same person managing future changes. This "end of history illusion" causes us to underestimate how much we will grow and evolve. Change, especially unexpected and imposed change, accelerates inner transformations, making us become different individuals afterward. Although change feels intimidating, Dr. Shankar emphasizes that it carries hope, as it reveals previously dormant potentials and perspectives within us. She highlights the frequent mismatch between our anticipation and actual experience of change rooted in how the brain forecasts the future self inaccurately.

Voluntary Versus Involuntary Change

A critical distinction in the discussion centers on changes we choose versus those thrust upon us. Voluntary changes—like New Year's resolutions or personal goals—allow us to control the process and outcomes. In contrast, involuntary changes such as illness, loss, or trauma disrupt our sense of control and identity more profoundly. Dr. Shankar shares that her work focuses particularly on these unwilled changes because they provoke greater fear and disorientation. Resistance arises because these changes confront the illusion of control humans cling to daily, revealing how precarious and unpredictable life truly is.

The Illusion of Control and Aversion to Uncertainty

Our brains prefer certainty and predictability. Dr. Shankar notes a paradox where people find a guaranteed negative outcome less stressful than uncertain possibilities, underscoring a fundamental intolerance for uncertainty. This primal aversion is tied to the brain's need for agency and meaning; without it, we could spiral into nihilism or despair. The illusion of control, though unrealistic, provides psychological safety. When involuntary change exposes the limits of our control, anxiety and identity threats surge. This leads to denial, rumination, or other coping mechanisms to manage discomfort, even if temporarily.

Identity Threat and Transformation

Identity is central to the human experience and is deeply implicated in how we respond to change. Dr. Shankar reflects on her own identity crisis after losing the ability to play the violin due to a hand injury. The grief was not just for the instrument but for a fundamental loss of self. Identity shapes our sense of worth, community, and belonging, and when a shift threatens it, we often resist fiercely. The conversation explores how identity is a narrative constructed from selective memories and beliefs, making it fragile in the face of disruption. Expanding or loosening our self-identity rather than discarding it can mitigate the threat and facilitate adaptation.

Building Robust and Flexible Identities

Instead of defining ourselves by rigid roles or accomplishments, Dr. Shankar advocates anchoring identity in "why" rather than "what." For instance, she redefined herself not simply as a violinist but as someone who loves emotional connection, creativity, and mastery. This reframing allowed her to find new outlets like podcasting and writing. By cultivating an identity based on underlying values and motivations, rather than fixed external labels, people build psychological resilience. This approach supports transformation, enabling individuals to navigate change without losing their sense of meaning or self-worth.

The Role of Community, Attachment, and Ego

Community and social belonging are intimately tied to identity. Dr. Shankar and the host discuss how clinging to an identity often masks deeper needs for acceptance and value, shaped by past experiences such as bullying or cultural expectations. Achievement can become a transaction for love and validation, which spikes the fear when that achievement-based self is threatened. Understanding these motivations helps explain why change is resisted and how healing requires addressing these emotional undercurrents alongside cognitive restructuring.

Denial as a Natural Coping Mechanism

Denial is framed not as a pathological failure but as an adaptive, short-term survival strategy. It allows individuals to retain hope and avoid being overwhelmed by the stark realities of change. However, long-term denial prevents transformation and adaptation. Dr. Shankar recounts her own personal hardship—her experience with pregnancy loss—and how the lack of clear next steps or coping instructions can fuel feelings of helplessness. This gap inspired her to write her book, aiming to provide guidance for navigating change with intentionality and insight.

Change as Revelation and Opportunity for Self-Discovery

The etymology of "apocalypse" meaning "revelation" illustrates that change can unearth hidden truths about ourselves. Stories from Dr. Shankar's interviews show that people do not always immediately grasp the full impact of a change. For example, a woman with locked-in syndrome initially did not comprehend her diagnosis until confronted with deep relational realities. These profound changes reveal vulnerabilities, attachments, and unexamined parts of ourselves that were invisible before. This self-awareness is the foundation for future growth and transformation.

Cultivating Curiosity and Psychological Distance

Curiosity is posed as a pivotal quality for navigating change effectively. Instead of succumbing to fixed narratives or reactive denial, cultivating curiosity allows people to interrogate their beliefs and question their identity stories. Psychological distancing, such as imagining oneself as an impartial observer or speaking to oneself in the third person, can provide the mental space needed for reflection. Dr. Shankar also highlights mental time travel—mentally placing oneself in the past or future—to contextualize present difficulties as transient and manageable within a broader lifespan.

Challenging Beliefs and Narrative Identity

Our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world tend to be fixed and coherent by default but often rest on limited or distorted information. Dr. Shankar encourages holding beliefs as provisional—open to challenge and revision. People tend to resist changing beliefs that are intertwined with identity or social membership, partly because of the social and emotional risks involved. She offers practical questions for examining beliefs, including their origins and what evidence would prompt a change of mind. This inquiry process is critical for developing a more malleable and functional self-narrative.

The Science of Rumination and Emotional Regulation

Rumination, or obsessive looping over past events or fears, is a natural but often unproductive mental process that attempts to achieve cognitive closure. It provides the illusion of control but traps individuals in stress and anxiety cycles. Dr. Shankar suggests that mindfulness of one's thinking and foundational calming strategies are prerequisites before engaging in higher-level cognitive appraisal. Techniques like third-person self-talk and adopting a fly-on-the-wall perspective help reduce emotional reactivity, offering clarity and relief from overwhelming thoughts.

The Role of Awe and Moral Elevation

Awe and moral elevation act as psychological and neurological antidotes to rumination and self-absorption. Encounters with vastness, beauty, moral goodness, and extraordinary human capacity can quiet the brain's default mode network, fostering a sense of connection to something larger than oneself. Dr. Shankar shares an impactful story of a prisoner whose life was transformed by witnessing another inmate embody kindness and strength, expanding his imagination of what was possible for him. Such moments plant seeds of hope and possibility that reshape identity from within.

Supporting Growth Through Diverse Strategies

Real-life examples from Dr. Shankar's research emphasize that there is no one-size-fits-all method for navigating change. Strategies such as self-affirmation exercises can help people regain perspective by focusing on valued identities that remain intact amidst upheaval. The idea of an exploratory "change survival kit" encourages experimenting with diverse tools—from psychological distancing to embracing curiosity or seeking narratives of meaning—to discover individualized pathways toward healing and transformation.

Change as a Catalyst for Reimagining the Self

Unexpected and often painful life events function as catalysts that dismantle old identities while revealing new capacities and possibilities. Dr. Shankar recounts stories of individuals who emerged from trauma with enhanced self-awareness, resilience, and richer relational experiences. These instances demonstrate that attachment styles and patterns once thought fixed can evolve. Change, in this light, offers an unparalleled opportunity to craft a more authentic and fulfilling sense of self, informed by both past lessons and new visions.

The Complexity of Meaning-Making in the Face of Change

While humans naturally seek meaning, forcing or misattributing meaning can entrench harmful beliefs and identities, such as guilt or self-blame. Through the story of a woman who harmed someone accidentally and lived decades under a false belief of culpability, Dr. Shankar illustrates how clinging to rigid meaning frameworks can cause needless suffering. Sometimes relinquishing the need for a clear reason and accepting randomness opens the door to freedom, healing, and a healthier engagement with life's unpredictability.

Navigating Change Without Control

The conversation acknowledges the discomfort for people with strong internal loci of control when confronted by uncontrollable circumstances. Dr. Shankar notes the irony that scientifically trained individuals, accustomed to understanding causality, may struggle profoundly when unpredictability invades their lives. She highlights that acknowledging randomness and limits of control is emotionally challenging but essential for adaptive transformation and grief work.

Final Guidance for Engaging with Change

Dr. Shankar offers practical advice for anyone suddenly confronting life-altering change: recognize that while painful, these moments are fertile ground for transformation. Change invites the emergence of a better, often unexpected self. Embracing discomfort with curiosity, psychological distance, and open inquiry allows access to new possibilities that were previously inconceivable. The journey through change offers not merely survival but the potential for profound growth, deeper connection, and renewed purpose.