Your Guide to Better Romance, Sex, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

In this podcast episode, Dr. Nicole McNichols, the world's leading sex professor, offers a comprehensive and science-backed exploration of how to cultivate better sex, intimacy, and love. She addresses common myths about sex, dispels misunderstandings about female pleasure, and emphasizes the importance of pleasure as a priority in life rather than a mere treat. The conversation covers everything from sexual anatomy and sexual growth mindset to navigating menopause, dating after long breaks, body image challenges, and the value of communication and intimacy in long-term relationships.

The Importance of Prioritizing Pleasure

Dr. McNichols stresses that sex is often misunderstood as a luxury or reward, reflected in common language like "getting lucky" or "saving room for dessert." However, sex should be prioritized much like exercise or nutrition because it significantly benefits physical health, including cardiovascular function and brain protection. Beyond physical health, pleasure from sex builds ego resilience—a psychological strength that helps individuals face life's challenges more creatively and with better social support. She notes that while sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are correlated, improving one's sex life actively leads to enhanced relationship satisfaction, not the other way around.

Changing the Mindset Around Sex and Intimacy

The episode highlights the transformative power of shifting from a "should" or "have to" mindset about sex to one centered on pleasure and authentic connection. Dr. McNichols advocates for a sexual growth mindset, where individuals see sex as a skill that can improve over time through experimentation, communication, and patience. This counters the misconception that sexual ability is innate or fixed. She encourages listeners to embrace trial and error, laugh at failures, and learn from partners rather than feeling pressured to perform perfectly or live up to unrealistic standards set by pornography or media.

Understanding Female Sexual Pleasure and the Orgasm Gap

A critical fact shared is that only about 18% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone, meaning clitoral stimulation—either during penetrative sex or separately—is essential for the majority. This lack of education contributes to a widespread epidemic of women faking orgasms, with over 50% admitting to doing so at some point. Dr. McNichols explains that this disconnect is partly because the full anatomy of the clitoris was only mapped in 2005, revealing its complex internal and external structures that play a key role in female pleasure. She dismantles myths about vaginal orgasms versus clitoral orgasms, emphasizing that all orgasms involve clitoral activation.

Anatomy of the Clitoris and Sexual Pleasure

Using a plush anatomical model, Dr. McNichols describes how the clitoris is not just the small external "baby head" but includes extensive internal wishbone-shaped structures that surround the vaginal canal. These internal parts swell and become erect during arousal, extending the reach of pleasure painlessly inside the vagina, which challenges the common oversimplified focus on penetrative sex. She highlights the importance of warming up through touch of erogenous zones like the labia majora and inner labia before directly stimulating the clitoris. The so-called "G-spot" is explained as part of this clitoral-urethral-vaginal complex, usually located about 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina. This anatomical understanding is empowering and debunks outdated ideas, including Freudian myths that labeled clitoral orgasms as immature.

Myths About Sex and Sexuality

Several pervasive myths are addressed head-on. Dr. McNichols challenges the misconception that genitals are supposed to look a certain way, noting that vulvas, like penises, come in many healthy shapes and sizes. She reassures listeners that penis size does not determine sexual pleasure or ability. Another myth is the rigid belief in a fixed sexual identity; research shows sexual orientation can be fluid and multifaceted, especially among women and younger generations. She normalizes sexual fantasies by explaining that fantasies don't necessarily reflect real-life desires and encourages freeing oneself from guilt or shame about sexual thoughts. Additionally, myths around kink and nontraditional sexual activities are reviewed, emphasizing that kink is not linked to childhood trauma as commonly assumed but can be a healthy expression requiring consent and communication.

Navigating Desire When Tired, Self-Conscious, or Out of Practice

Dr. McNichols recognizes the reality that many people, especially women balancing various life demands, feel exhausted or self-conscious and may associate sex with obligation. She offers practical suggestions for rekindling desire, such as increasing nonsexual physical touch and cuddling to build intimacy without pressure. The body sometimes requires time to "turn on," and foreplay is often necessary, with women generally needing longer stimulation to reach orgasm compared to men. She reframes desire as something that can be activated through connection and slow buildup rather than spontaneous overwhelming attraction. For those re-entering dating or sex after a long hiatus, she recommends adopting a growth mindset, letting go of perfectionism, communicating openly, and understanding that feeling rusty or nervous is completely normal.

Overcoming Body Image Issues and Sexual Mindfulness

Addressing concerns about body image post-menopause or after weight changes, Dr. McNichols notes that negative self-judgments can interrupt sexual pleasure by activating brain areas counterproductive to intimacy. She advocates sexual mindfulness—focusing on breath, sensations, and partner cues during sex—as an effective way to stay present and reduce judgmental thoughts. Recognizing and appreciating parts of the body one values, or marveling at what the body has accomplished (such as childbirth), can also foster a more positive sexual self-image. Importantly, pleasure-producing body parts function regardless of appearance, encouraging focus on those areas.

Sex and Menopause: Managing Pain and Desire

Menopausal changes often cause vaginal dryness, pain, and discomfort during sex, leading to avoidance of intimacy. Dr. McNichols explains that hormonal shifts reduce natural lubrication and can thin vaginal walls but emphasizes that sex should never be painful or something one merely endures. She mentions available treatments like hormone replacement therapy (HRT), estrogen creams, and testosterone therapy to restore desire and comfort. Additionally, addressing emotional and relational factors such as exhaustion, household labor division, and feeling appreciated plays a significant role in restoring sexual desire during this life stage.

Communication and Gratitude in Long-Term Relationships

In longstanding relationships or marriages, sex can sometimes feel like a burden or routine. Dr. McNichols encourages couples to actively communicate about sex with positivity and curiosity rather than defensiveness. Expressing gratitude for each other's contributions outside the bedroom is a powerful aphrodisiac that fosters desire and connection. Small gestures of appreciation help counter resentment and build emotional safety. Couples can also maintain sexual satisfaction by incorporating "micro novelty"—small changes like new touch techniques, different contexts, playful props (e.g., blindfolds), or just saying "I love you" during sex—to keep intimacy fresh and exciting.

Casual Sex and Dating with Confidence

For those navigating casual sex or dating after a break, Dr. McNichols stresses the importance of clarifying intentions and motivations upfront, normalizing phrases like "Are you okay if this is just for fun tonight?" She highlights that casual sex can be fulfilling for some but represents a mixed bag for others depending on emotional readiness and expectations. Having emotional intimacy generally improves sexual enjoyment for women, which explains why casual encounters may feel less satisfying. She also discusses the cultural stigma and potential risks inherent in casual sex but encourages embracing personal preferences without shame, empowering people to seek what truly works for them.

Sexual Growth Mindset and Communication Tools

Returning repeatedly is the emphasis on seeing sex as an evolving skill obtained through practice, experimentation, and open dialogue. Tools like asking your partner "What feels good?" or "Can you show me what you like?" rather than silently struggling or faking orgasms improve pleasure and connection. Masturbation is also a key method for people, especially women, to learn their own bodies and communicate preferences clearly. Overcoming embarrassment to have open conversations about desires and boundaries can rebuild energy and satisfaction in sex regardless of relationship length or individual circumstances.