You Learn This Too Late: Understanding This Will Change the Way You Look at Your Relationships

The Power of Reflection and Breaking Cycles

Dr. Pressman begins by highlighting a fundamental truth: the very act of reflecting on one’s parenting or childhood experience is itself a powerful step toward change. Many parents fear they have made irreparable mistakes—whether through indifference, anger, or mishandling difficult transitions like divorce—but awareness is the first crack in the cycle of generational trauma. Reflection allows parents to pause, consider their actions, and make small but meaningful adjustments. These tweaks, though seemingly minor, can profoundly alter the trajectory of relationships. The science of parenting, Dr. Pressman assures, is generous and accessible, offering simple, actionable steps that can help parents “get it largely right” without the burden of perfection.

The Five Principles of Parenting: A Framework for Connection

At the heart of Dr. Pressman’s approach are five principles that encapsulate the essence of effective parenting: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. Relationship refers to the emotional connection and attunement between parent and child, which forms the foundation for all else. Reflection, often overlooked, is the mental space parents create to understand their own feelings and behaviors, enabling better responses. Regulation involves managing one’s emotions and actions, as well as co-regulating with children, who rely on caregivers’ nervous system stability to develop their own. Rules provide necessary boundaries for safety—both physical and emotional—teaching children to respect themselves and others. Finally, repair acknowledges that mistakes are inevitable, but the ability to mend ruptures in the relationship is what sustains long-term connection and trust.

Dr. Pressman emphasizes that these principles are dynamic and lifelong. Parenting begins anew with each child and evolves as both parent and child grow. Importantly, repair has no expiration date; it is never too late to reconnect, apologize, or rebuild trust, whether with one’s own parents or one’s children.

Good Enough Parenting: Letting Go of Perfection

One of the most liberating ideas Dr. Pressman shares is the concept of “good enough” parenting, originally coined by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. The pursuit of perfection in parenting is not only unrealistic but counterproductive. Children benefit more from a parent who is consistently “good enough” — present, loving, and attuned most of the time — than from one who strives for flawless behavior. The inevitable mistakes and imperfections provide opportunities for repair, which in turn strengthen the relationship. This perspective offers relief to parents burdened by guilt and self-criticism, encouraging self-compassion and realistic expectations.

All Feelings Are Welcome, But Not All Behaviors

A cornerstone of Dr. Pressman’s philosophy is the distinction between feelings and behaviors. She advocates for a parenting approach where all feelings are accepted and validated, but not all behaviors are permitted. Children—and adults—must understand that emotions, even difficult or “unacceptable” ones like anger or fear, are natural and valid. However, acting out in harmful ways is not acceptable. This approach fosters emotional safety and resilience, teaching children to recognize and regulate their feelings without shame or suppression.

This principle extends beyond parenting into adult relationships and workplace dynamics, underscoring the universal need to honor emotions while maintaining boundaries around behavior.

The Myth of Toughness in Raising Resilient Kids

Dr. Pressman challenges the common myth that resilience requires toughness or emotional detachment. Instead, she explains that sensitive, attuned parenting is crucial for building true resilience. Children need to feel seen and supported in their struggles, even as parents maintain firm boundaries and expectations. Overprotectiveness or avoidance of discomfort can lead to fragile children, while harshness or emotional neglect can cause children to hide their feelings and lose trust in their caregivers. The balance lies in being sensitive to children’s emotional experiences while encouraging them to face challenges with support.

Temperament and Parenting: Orchids, Tulips, and Dandelions

Drawing on research by Thomas Boyce, Dr. Pressman introduces the metaphor of orchids, tulips, and dandelions to describe children’s temperaments. Dandelions are hardy and adaptable, thriving in many environments with minimal intervention. Orchids are highly sensitive and require specific conditions to flourish but can be extraordinarily vibrant when nurtured properly. Tulips fall somewhere in between. Recognizing a child’s temperament helps parents tailor their approach, understanding that what works for one child may not work for another. This insight encourages flexibility and compassion in parenting, reducing frustration and promoting better outcomes.

Parenting Is About Us, Not the Kids

A profound insight Dr. Pressman shares is that parenting is fundamentally about the parent’s actions, emotions, and choices—not about controlling or changing the child. The five principles focus on what the parent can do: cultivating the relationship, reflecting on their own behavior, regulating their emotions, setting rules, and initiating repair. Children are free to be themselves, and parents’ work is to create an environment that supports their growth. This shift in perspective empowers parents to focus on what they can control, reducing frustration and fostering healthier dynamics.

Navigating Divorce, Co-Parenting, and Blended Families

Dr. Pressman addresses the challenges of divorce and blended families with compassion and research-backed advice. She stresses the importance of stability and emotional safety for children during transitions, recommending that parents wait at least a year before introducing new partners to their children. Rushing this process can destabilize children and harm future relationships. In co-parenting situations, she underscores the damage caused by high-conflict dynamics and “badmouthing” the other parent, explaining that such behavior harms children by attacking a part of their identity. Instead, parents should strive to be the “one” stable, loving caregiver, even if the other parent is absent or difficult. This approach, though painful, is the most protective for children’s well-being.

Repair and Forgiveness: The Path Forward

For parents who recognize past mistakes—whether indifference, anger, or mishandling difficult situations—Dr. Pressman offers hope through repair. She encourages honest acknowledgment and sincere apologies without excuses, emphasizing that repair is about reconnecting and restoring safety, not just saying the right words. Repair is a continuous process, not a one-time event, and it can happen at any age. Even adult children remain “children” in the emotional sense, and the responsibility for repair lies with the parent, not the child. Forgiveness and healing are possible, but they require the parent’s willingness to initiate change.

The Importance of Small Moments: Peekaboo and Beyond

Dr. Pressman beautifully illustrates how simple interactions like the game of peekaboo teach foundational lessons about trust and safety. Peekaboo helps infants develop object permanence—the understanding that people and things exist even when out of sight—and builds the muscle of believing that loved ones will return. This early experience mirrors the lifelong need for relationships to have cycles of separation and reunion, rupture and repair. The ability to “come back” after conflict or absence is central to healthy relationships at every stage of life.

Final Reflections: Hope, Compassion, and Action

Throughout the conversation, Dr. Pressman offers a message of hope and empowerment. Parenting and relationships are not about perfection but about presence, reflection, and repair. The science shows that small, consistent efforts can create profound change. She encourages parents and listeners to practice self-compassion, reduce overwhelming expectations, and focus on building safe, connected relationships. The journey is ongoing, but the tools are accessible, and it is never too late to begin.