Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal

Understanding Trauma

Dr. Maté begins by emphasizing that trauma is not merely defined by the events that occur but rather by the internal wounds that result from those events. He explains that trauma can stem from various sources, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, neglect, parental addiction, and societal issues like poverty and racism. These experiences can leave deep psychological imprints on children, affecting their development and shaping their adult lives.

Robbins shares her own traumatic experiences, including a difficult birth that led to severe postpartum depression. She reflects on how these events impacted her ability to connect with her child, Sawyer, and how this disconnection has reverberated through their relationship. Dr. Maté highlights that trauma often leads to a shame-based view of oneself, where individuals blame themselves for their suffering, believing they are somehow at fault for the pain they experience.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

The conversation shifts to the critical role childhood experiences play in shaping adult behavior. Dr. Maté explains that the emotional states of a mother during pregnancy can significantly affect a child's brain development. He cites studies showing that stress hormones released by a stressed mother can impact the developing fetus, leading to long-term consequences for the child's mental and physical health.

Robbins reflects on her own parenting journey, acknowledging the stress she experienced during her pregnancies and how it may have affected her children. Dr. Maté reassures her that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. He emphasizes that no one is "damaged goods" and that understanding the origins of one's issues can lead to transformative healing.

The Role of Compassionate Curiosity

A central theme of the discussion is the importance of compassionate curiosity in the healing process. Dr. Maté encourages listeners to approach their feelings and behaviors with kindness rather than judgment. Instead of asking, "Why am I like this?" which can feel accusatory, he suggests asking, "I wonder why I behave this way?" This shift in perspective fosters a more compassionate understanding of oneself and opens the door to healing.

Robbins shares her struggles with feelings of guilt and shame regarding her parenting and her own emotional responses. Dr. Maté reassures her that these feelings are common among parents and that recognizing them is a crucial step toward healing. He emphasizes that it is not the child's responsibility to make their parents happy, and that children often internalize the belief that they must compensate for their parents' emotional states.

The Importance of Play and Connection

Dr. Maté discusses the fundamental human need for joy, playfulness, and creativity, which are often sacrificed in the face of trauma. He references a book by a palliative care nurse that highlights the regrets of dying individuals, many of whom lament that they did not play enough during their lives. Play is essential for healthy brain development and forming relationships, yet many adults lose touch with this vital aspect of life.

Robbins reflects on her own experiences with playfulness and how it has evolved over time. She acknowledges that her upbringing did not emphasize play, which has impacted her ability to engage with her children in a playful manner. Dr. Maté encourages listeners to reconnect with their playful selves, as this can lead to greater emotional well-being and healthier relationships.

Healing and Moving Forward

As the conversation progresses, Dr. Maté emphasizes that healing from trauma is possible. He encourages individuals to recognize their suffering and seek help when needed. The journey toward healing involves understanding the adaptations one has made in response to trauma and learning to navigate stress and emotional challenges in healthier ways.

Robbins shares her personal journey of recognizing her own trauma and the impact it has had on her life and relationships. She expresses gratitude for the insights gained from Dr. Maté's work, which have empowered her to take responsibility for her healing and to foster healthier connections with her children and husband.

Dr. Maté concludes by reiterating that it is essential to approach oneself with compassion and to understand that the behaviors and patterns developed in response to trauma are not flaws but adaptations to difficult circumstances. He emphasizes that everyone has the capacity for healing and that it is never too late to begin the journey toward a more fulfilling and connected life.