What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss

This conversation between Mel Robbins and grief expert David Kessler delves deeply into the often avoided yet universally experienced topic of grief and loss. Drawing on David's personal tragedy—the death of his son—and his decades of professional experience, they explore the complexities of grieving, the differences in grief styles, how grief manifests unpredictably, and practical ways to support oneself and others through grief. The discussion also addresses anticipatory grief, compounded grief, guilt, anger, denial, and the importance of finding meaning after loss.

The Impact of Fully Grieving

David Kessler emphasizes that fully engaging with grief can ultimately lead to a richer, fuller life. Rather than merely enduring loss as subtraction, grief expands our capacity for not only pain but also joy, laughter, and love. Through grieving deeply and authentically, we eventually remember our loved ones with more love than pain. This process is not linear and varies dramatically from person to person—grief has a long shadow, and healing requires patience and self-compassion.

Different Styles of Grieving

David categorizes grievers broadly into two types: practical grievers and feeling grievers. Practical grievers process loss pragmatically, quickly moving forward without overt display of emotion, which can be confusing or frustrating to others who express grief more openly. Feeling grievers need to process emotions aloud and take more time before moving on. Both styles are valid, and neither needs to change. Recognizing these differences is crucial in giving appropriate support and reducing judgment.

The Stigma and Judgment in Grieving

Judgment—both external and internal—is a common barrier to healing. Many who grieve feel pressure to "move on" within an arbitrary timeline, often set by others who have not experienced the same loss. The average time people wait before seeking professional help is five years, illustrating how long and isolating grief can be. David urges compassion and support instead of rushing or scolding the bereaved, reminding listeners that grief has no timeline and everyone's journey is unique.

Grief Bursts and Unexpected Emotional Waves

Grief often arrives in sudden, unpredictable waves known as "grief bursts." These moments can catch people off guard, triggering intense sadness or love seemingly out of nowhere—even years after a loss. David points out that these bursts are a normal part of grief's fluctuating nature and should be expected and accepted rather than feared.

Personal Loss and Its Influence on David's Work

David's perspective profoundly shifted after the death of his son, David Jr. Though a longtime grief expert, he experienced firsthand the overwhelming and all-consuming nature of loss. This personal tragedy deepened his understanding of grief, underscoring the importance of reaching out for support, the realness of feeling stuck, and the power of listening without judgment.

The Role of Denial and Numbness

Denial and numbness are reframed as protective mechanisms that help individuals pace their emotional pain. These responses are the psyche's way of ensuring survival, making it possible to handle grief gradually rather than collapsing under its weight all at once. David encourages trusting this natural process and allowing people to be in their denial without shame or pressure.

Finding Meaning Beyond the Loss

David challenges the notion that grief itself holds inherent meaning or that the loss has a "reason." Instead, meaning arises afterward, after excavating the deep pain. It is found in how individuals choose to live and love beyond their loss. Meaning can be discovered in small everyday moments, rituals, or deeper connections with remaining loved ones. This search for meaning is a personal and ongoing journey, not a mandate or quick fix.

Acceptance and Living in Reality

Acceptance is not a singular, one-time event but a repeated, evolving process. For most, acceptance means acknowledging the reality of loss without necessarily liking it or being at peace with it. Freedom and healing come from living in reality as it is, rather than resisting it with denial or anger. This ongoing acceptance enables gradual movement through grief, even when the loss has fundamentally altered life's trajectory.

The Importance of Witnessing Grief

Grief must be witnessed to move through it. Sitting fully present with someone in their grief—without trying to fix or change them—is one of the most powerful supports a person can receive. David emphasizes the healing power of presence and listening, pointing out that no words or interventions are needed, just compassionate companionship.

Navigating Guilt and "What Ifs"

Guilt frequently accompanies grief, often because the mind prefers guilt to feeling helpless. The fixation on "what if" scenarios can create false hopes for control or create blame. David suggests allowing these what-ifs to be expressed fully, then reframing with "even if" statements to acknowledge the reality that some outcomes were beyond control. This cognitive shift helps release crippling guilt and promotes healing.

Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

The key to helping someone in grief is consistent presence. Showing up at meaningful intervals—such as three days, three weeks, and three months after loss—and offering concrete assistance, like food or errands, is more helpful than waiting to be asked. Asking "What do you need?" can be overwhelming or unanswerable for someone who is grieving, so anticipating needs and providing practical support is vital.

Handling Celebrations and Anniversaries

Milestones such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays remain difficult after a loss. How to approach these events is deeply personal—some may prefer silence, others commemoration with rituals like cakes or gatherings. David encourages honoring emotions as they arise and not forcing oneself to "move past" the sadness quickly.

Living After Loss and Reinventing Yourself

For those grieving long-term partners or facing loss later in life, the transition from "we" to "I" can feel particularly brutal. The feeling that one's best years are behind them is common but not necessarily true. Grieving the past relationship and simultaneously discovering new ways to live and find meaning is an essential, albeit challenging, part of healing.

Letting Go of Physical Reminders

Items like clothing or personal belongings can be difficult to part with. David encourages people to view these possessions as symbols that may no longer be needed after a time because the evidence of a loved one's existence truly lives within the living. Taking photos of possessions before letting them go can help preserve the memories while facilitating practical release.

The Relationship Between Grief and Anger

Anger is described as grief's "bodyguard," a protective expression of pain. While often intimidating to others, anger signals intense hurt and deserves space to be safely expressed. Healthy outlets include physical activity or creative expression. Recognizing anger as a natural and necessary part of grief allows it to be processed rather than suppressed.

Guilt Over Moving Forward and Finding Joy

Many grievers wrestle with feelings of disloyalty when they laugh, date again, or find enjoyment. David's "disloyalty checklist" highlights common moments where guilt surfaces but reminds listeners that loyalty is not measured by ongoing pain. Allowing oneself to experience joy and new life is not betrayal but part of continuing love.

Complicated Grief and Feeling Stuck

When grief becomes "complicated"—swirling around painful memories without moving forward—it can feel like getting caught in a river's eddy, going in circles rather than downstream. Recognizing complicated grief is important to seek appropriate support. Healing is possible at any stage, and readiness to engage with grief—even years later—is a crucial step.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief occurs while a loved one is still living but deteriorating, for example with ALS or dementia. This form of grief is real and exhausting, involving gradual farewells to the person before physical death. Witnessing and validating anticipatory grief, offering care partners breaks and emotional support, and connection with others facing similar situations are essential strategies.

The Value of a Living Amends

David shares the concept of a "living amends" as a way to address unresolved feelings or regrets with someone who has passed away. By making a commitment to live differently or apologize internally, survivors can honor their lost loved ones and foster healing, even when direct reconciliation is impossible.

Words to Avoid and What to Say Instead

Phrases like "They're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" often feel dismissive or hurtful to those grieving. Instead, honest admission of uncertainty and expressing unconditional presence—"I don't have the words, but I am here with you"—offers authentic support and validates grief's complexity without minimizing pain.

Grief Brain and the Practical Challenges of Loss

Grief brain describes the mental fog that impairs concentration and decision-making. During this time, practical matters like bills or paperwork become overwhelming. Asking for and accepting help with these logistical tasks eases the burden and supports healing, as grief and life's practicalities inevitably intertwine.

The Power of Presence Over Solutions

Ultimately, David highlights that no quick fixes or platitudes repair grief. The greatest healing comes from presence—simply being with the person who is grieving, witnessing their pain, and offering companionship without rushing or trying to "fix" what cannot be fixed. This space allows transformation and gradual movement forward through the uncharted terrain of loss.