It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

The State of Adult Friendships

Robbins opens the conversation by highlighting research indicating that 40% of adults lack a best friend, prompting the question of why this is the case. Jackson explains that many women prioritize certain affinities in their friendships, which are essential for building and maintaining close relationships. These affinities include symmetry, support, and secrecy. Symmetry refers to the balance and equality in friendships, where both parties feel they are on the same level. Support emphasizes the emotional backing friends provide each other, while secrecy pertains to the intimate sharing of personal information that strengthens bonds.

Jackson notes that these affinities are crucial for understanding the dynamics of female friendships. When one of these elements is missing, it can lead to feelings of tension and conflict. The conversation emphasizes that many women may feel disillusioned with friendships due to unmet expectations, which can stem from a lack of communication about what they need from each other.

The Importance of Communication

A significant theme in the discussion is the necessity of open communication in friendships. Jackson points out that women often assume their friends should intuitively know what they need, which can lead to disappointment when those needs are not met. This lack of articulation can create misunderstandings and resentment. Jackson encourages listeners to express their feelings and expectations clearly, as this can help prevent conflicts and foster stronger connections.

Robbins and Jackson also delve into the emotional toll of friendship breakups, particularly among women. Jackson explains that friendships can dissolve for various reasons, including life transitions such as marriage or motherhood. These changes can create distance and lead to feelings of inadequacy or jealousy. The conversation highlights the importance of recognizing that friendships evolve and that it is normal to experience shifts in dynamics over time.

Navigating Jealousy and Disappointment

The discussion also addresses the feelings of jealousy and disappointment that can arise in friendships. Jackson explains that jealousy often stems from comparing oneself to others, particularly when friends achieve milestones that one desires for themselves. She emphasizes that it is essential to normalize these feelings and understand that they are a natural part of human relationships. Instead of allowing jealousy to create distance, Jackson suggests using it as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth.

When disappointment occurs, whether due to a friend's lack of support or a perceived slight, Jackson advises approaching the situation with empathy and understanding. She encourages individuals to communicate their feelings to their friends, framing it as an invitation to strengthen the relationship rather than an accusation. This approach can help clarify misunderstandings and reinforce the bond between friends.

The Role of Life Transitions

Jackson highlights that life transitions, such as moving to a new city, starting a family, or changing jobs, can significantly impact friendships. These changes often lead to feelings of isolation or disconnection. However, Jackson reassures listeners that it is possible to maintain friendships through these transitions by being proactive in communication and expressing the desire to stay connected.

The conversation also touches on the idea that friendships can be fluid, with people entering and exiting our lives at different stages. Jackson emphasizes that this is a natural part of life and encourages listeners to embrace the idea of making new friends as they grow and change. She notes that the ability to adapt to new social dynamics is crucial for fostering lasting connections.

Building Stronger Friendships

To cultivate deeper friendships, Jackson suggests focusing on the three affinities discussed earlier: symmetry, support, and secrecy. By actively working to create balance in relationships, offering emotional support, and fostering an environment of trust and openness, individuals can strengthen their connections with friends. Jackson encourages listeners to be intentional about their friendships, recognizing that they require effort and nurturing.

Robbins and Jackson conclude the conversation by emphasizing the importance of hope and resilience in friendships. They encourage listeners to remain open to new connections and to view challenges as opportunities for growth. By understanding the complexities of female friendships and actively working to improve them, individuals can create meaningful and lasting relationships.