How to Move On, Let Go of Past Mistakes, and Create a Better Future

The Weight of Shame and the Power of Forgiveness

Carl opens the conversation by addressing the crushing burden of shame that often follows personal failure. He describes shame as a set of self-imposed shackles that keep people trapped in a cycle of self-condemnation. Unlike regret, which focuses on specific actions, shame centers on the self, making individuals believe they are inherently bad. Carl calls shame “inherently selfish” because it keeps the focus on oneself rather than on growth or healing. This self-focus prevents people from moving forward and healing.

He contrasts shame with grace and mercy, emphasizing that healing begins when one lifts their eyes from shame to grace. Forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, is a critical step in this process. Carl shares a revelatory moment in his own journey when he realized that if God had forgiven him, it was nonsensical not to forgive himself. Forgiving oneself is not a one-time event but a daily choice, a commitment to invest in the new version of oneself rather than being shackled by past mistakes.

From Mega-Church Pastor to Public Fall

Carl’s story is a powerful example of how even those who seem to have it all can face profound personal fractures. Once a celebrated mega-church pastor in New York City, Carl co-founded the Hillsong Church’s first American branch, growing it to nearly 150,000 members. Outwardly, he appeared successful and blessed, but beneath the surface, parts of his life were “on fire” with unresolved issues.

He likens his experience to playing on a fractured ankle—functioning outwardly while internal damage worsens. Carl’s fractures included infidelity, addiction, and dishonesty, which he initially tried to outrun and hide. His fall was spectacular and public: he was fired amid allegations of leadership failures and breaches of trust, including an affair. The consequences were severe—loss of job, reputation, housing, and the trust of family and friends.

Despite the public humiliation and personal devastation, Carl chose not to disappear or hide. Instead, he embraced vulnerability and accountability, recognizing that his worst chapter was not his last. He and his wife decided to be open about their struggles, understanding that their story could help others facing similar pain. This transparency became a foundation for healing and rebuilding.

The Journey Through Pain: Accountability and Healing

Carl describes the dread and anxiety that accompanied his unraveling life. The weight of secrecy, lies, and self-deception was unbearable, and he acknowledges how easy it is to lie but how impossible it is to live with lies. His story highlights the importance of confronting painful truths rather than burying them, as avoidance only compounds dread and suffering.

He stresses the necessity of “putting the shovel down” — stopping the destructive behaviors and admitting the problem. For Carl, this moment came after a brain scan revealed his mental health was deteriorating, and he was advised to step down and seek help. This was a turning point, though not an easy one, as change requires more than consequences; it demands a deep internal decision to heal.

Carl also speaks to the importance of owning one’s role in relational breakdowns. When friendships and family ties fray, it’s tempting to blame others, but Carl advocates looking “in the mirror” first to understand one’s part. This self-reflection is painful but necessary for genuine restoration.

Forgiveness: A Daily Commitment and a Path to Freedom

Forgiveness, Carl explains, is not a magical feeling that instantly erases pain or resentment. It is a decision and a daily practice, especially when the person who hurt you continues to cause pain. Forgiveness frees the forgiver more than the forgiven, releasing the heavy burden of bitterness and anger that otherwise keeps the offender “living” inside one’s heart.

Carl encourages listeners to consider whether holding onto unforgiveness is worth keeping the person in their life emotionally, even if they are physically absent. Forgiveness creates space for new chapters, whether that means rebuilding relationships or moving on without bitterness.

Self-forgiveness is equally vital. Carl shares that the evidence of true self-forgiveness is investing in the new version of oneself—demonstrating change through actions rather than just words. He acknowledges that even after forgiving himself, he still faces moments of doubt and judgment from others, but he has learned to accept himself regardless of external opinions.

Moving Forward: Writing Your Own Story

One of the most empowering messages Carl shares is that no one else controls your story but you. While past chapters may be painful or embarrassing, the pen is in your hand to write the next chapters. This ownership is where true power lies. You can’t change what’s behind you, but you can shape what’s ahead.

Carl urges listeners to give themselves as much time to build their best selves as they gave to their worst selves in destruction. Change is often slow, tedious, and unglamorous, but persistence and patience are essential. He likens personal growth to farming—seeds must be planted and watered over time before a harvest appears.

Hope and Value: You Are More Than Your Mistakes

Throughout the conversation, Carl emphasizes the inherent value in every person, regardless of their past. He reminds listeners that they are far more valuable than they realize and that their lives can still bring light and contribution to the world. This belief in human potential is a cornerstone of his message.

He encourages those struggling to simply acknowledge the courage it takes to survive each day and to be proud of that resilience. Even when progress feels slow or invisible, continuing to show up and try is worthy of recognition.