Focus on Yourself: 3 Signs You’re Giving Too Much & What to Do About It Right Now

Added: Oct 18, 2024

The Misconception of Self-Care

Dr. Lakshmin begins by addressing the common misconceptions surrounding self-care, particularly how it has been commercialized and diluted by the wellness industry. Many people associate self-care with superficial activities, such as elaborate skincare routines or trendy wellness practices, which can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when they fail to engage in these activities. She argues that while these methods may provide temporary relief, they do not address the underlying issues that contribute to stress and burnout. Instead, she advocates for a more profound understanding of self-care that encompasses emotional and psychological well-being.

The psychiatrist explains that self-care should be viewed through the lens of principles and perspectives rather than just methods and tools. She highlights the importance of recognizing that a juice cleanse or a bubble bath will not resolve deeper issues such as chronic stress or emotional exhaustion. By reframing self-care as a holistic practice that includes setting boundaries, cultivating compassion, and aligning with personal values, individuals can create a more sustainable approach to their well-being.

The Importance of Boundaries

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the concept of boundaries, which Dr. Lakshmin identifies as a crucial element of real self-care. She explains that boundaries are not just about saying "no" to others but also about creating a space for oneself to thrive. Boundaries allow individuals to protect their time, energy, and emotional resources, enabling them to engage in activities that genuinely nourish them. Dr. Lakshmin emphasizes that setting boundaries is an act of self-compassion and empowerment, rather than selfishness.

Robbins and Dr. Lakshmin explore the common misconception that having boundaries makes one a bad person or a bad parent. Dr. Lakshmin reassures listeners that it is entirely possible to be kind-hearted and still assertively say "no" when necessary. She encourages individuals to view boundaries as a way to reclaim their agency and prioritize their well-being, ultimately leading to healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Recognizing Signs of Overextension

Dr. Lakshmin identifies three key signs that indicate someone may be giving too much of themselves to others. The first sign is chronic anger and irritability, which often stems from feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. Individuals may find themselves snapping at loved ones or feeling resentful, yet they may not recognize that their anger is a symptom of their own unmet needs. This emotional state can create a cycle of negativity, where the individual feels trapped in a role of selflessness while neglecting their own well-being.

The second sign is the expectation of gratitude from others. Dr. Lakshmin points out that many people engage in caretaking behaviors without realizing that they are doing so out of a desire for acknowledgment and appreciation. When this gratitude is not forthcoming, it can lead to feelings of resentment and victimhood. Dr. Lakshmin encourages listeners to reflect on their motivations for helping others and to consider whether they are genuinely fulfilling their own needs or simply seeking validation.

The Role of Guilt and Selfishness

Guilt and selfishness are two emotions that frequently arise when individuals begin to set boundaries. Dr. Lakshmin explains that guilt often stems from societal expectations that prioritize selflessness, particularly for women. This internalized pressure can make it challenging for individuals to assert their needs without feeling selfish. However, Dr. Lakshmin emphasizes that feeling guilty does not equate to being selfish; rather, it is a natural response to challenging the status quo.

To combat feelings of guilt, Dr. Lakshmin introduces a metaphor from acceptance and commitment therapy involving a sushi restaurant. In this metaphor, the sushi plates represent thoughts and feelings that come and go throughout the day. By recognizing that guilt is just one of many emotions, individuals can learn to let it pass without allowing it to dictate their actions. This perspective shift can help individuals reclaim their power and make choices that align with their well-being.

The Power of Agency

Dr. Lakshmin defines agency as the ability to take action and make choices, even in the face of external constraints. She emphasizes that cultivating a sense of agency is essential for effective self-care. When individuals feel overwhelmed by their responsibilities, they may believe they have no control over their circumstances. However, Dr. Lakshmin encourages listeners to recognize that they can still exert agency in small ways, such as setting boundaries or making requests.

The conversation highlights the importance of starting small when it comes to reclaiming agency. Dr. Lakshmin suggests that individuals begin by identifying low-stakes situations where they can practice setting boundaries. For example, taking a break to drink water or eat lunch can serve as a simple yet powerful act of self-care. By gradually building confidence in their ability to assert their needs, individuals can work their way up to more significant boundary-setting in their personal and professional lives.

Practical Steps for Implementation

To help listeners implement the principles discussed, Dr. Lakshmin provides practical steps for assessing their current boundaries and identifying areas for improvement. She encourages individuals to take 20 minutes to reflect on their schedules and evaluate how each commitment makes them feel. By identifying tasks that evoke feelings of dread or overwhelm, individuals can begin to understand where they need to set boundaries.

Once individuals have identified areas of discomfort, Dr. Lakshmin suggests taking action by communicating their needs to others. This could involve negotiating meeting times at work or expressing the need for personal time to family members. The key is to approach these conversations with a sense of empowerment, recognizing that asserting one's needs is a vital aspect of self-care.

The Challenge of Family Dynamics

Setting boundaries with family members can be particularly challenging, as longstanding dynamics often complicate the process. Dr. Lakshmin acknowledges that family relationships are often fraught with history and emotional baggage, making it difficult to assert new boundaries. She advises listeners to start small and practice boundary-setting in low-stakes situations before tackling more complex family dynamics.

The conversation also touches on the importance of recognizing that not all family members may respond positively to boundary-setting. Dr. Lakshmin encourages individuals to be prepared for resistance and to understand that their well-being is paramount. By prioritizing self-care, individuals can create healthier family dynamics over time, even if it requires difficult conversations in the short term.

The Impact of Work Environment

Dr. Lakshmin discusses the impact of work environments on individuals' well-being and the importance of setting boundaries in professional settings. Many people feel pressured to prioritize work over their personal needs, leading to burnout and dissatisfaction. Dr. Lakshmin emphasizes that individuals must recognize their worth and advocate for their needs in the workplace.

She encourages listeners to assess their work environments and identify areas where they can assert boundaries. This could involve taking breaks, setting limits on work hours, or communicating needs to supervisors. By reclaiming agency in their professional lives, individuals can create a more balanced and fulfilling work experience.

The Journey of Self-Care

Throughout the conversation, Dr. Lakshmin emphasizes that self-care is an ongoing journey rather than a destination. She reassures listeners that it is normal to experience setbacks and challenges along the way. The key is to approach self-care with a mindset of curiosity and compassion, recognizing that growth takes time.

Dr. Lakshmin encourages individuals to celebrate their progress, no matter how small, and to view self-care as a continuous practice. By cultivating a deeper understanding of their needs and values, individuals can create a more fulfilling and balanced life.