The Love Expert: Why Women Are Addicted To Toxic Men,"Have A Boring Relationship Instead!" Logan Ury

Added: Oct 26, 2023

Ury introduces three key concepts in her work: the spark, the post-date eight, and the three dating tendencies. The spark refers to the initial chemistry and attraction that often leads to relationships that burn out quickly. The post-date eight involves asking oneself eight questions after a date to train the brain to approach dating in a new way. The three dating tendencies are common patterns that hold people back from finding love.

She explains that many people in great relationships have made choices that differ from what they initially thought they wanted. It is important to recognize that when single, one is choosing a set of problems rather than a perfect partner. Ury also highlights the importance of distinguishing between pet peeves and deal breakers, as well as the need to embrace online dating as the most common way couples meet.

Ury then shares some tips for creating a great profile on the dating app Hinge. She also asks listeners to subscribe to the podcast, promising to make the show better in return.

When asked why her work matters, Ury explains that most people want to find love, but they often struggle and get in their own way. She aims to help people understand the blind spots that hinder their search for love and to help them develop new patterns and habits.

The conversation then shifts to the current state of love, dating, and sex in society. Ury points out that modern dating is relatively new in the span of human history, and people are struggling with it because they were not designed to date this way. She believes that while humans are born knowing how to love, they are not born knowing how to date. Therefore, her work focuses on teaching people how to date effectively.

Ury describes herself as a behavioral scientist turned dating coach. She works with individuals to help them find love and also conducts research as the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. She teaches dating classes and has written a book titled "How to Not Die Alone."

The conversation then delves into attachment theory, which suggests that our childhood experiences with primary caregivers influence our adult romantic relationships. Ury explains the three attachment styles: anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, and securely attached. Anxiously attached individuals fear abandonment and constantly seek closeness, while avoidantly attached individuals fear being smothered and push others away. Securely attached individuals can balance intimacy and independence.

Ury shares her personal experience of being anxiously attached and dating an avoidantly attached person. She describes the anxious-avoidant loop, where one person chases and the other pulls away, leading to a cycle of pain and frustration. She emphasizes the importance of breaking this loop and finding a secure partner.

The conversation then turns to the question of where avoidant attachment comes from. Ury explains that while attachment theory suggests it stems from childhood experiences, it is not solely the fault of parents. Other societal factors and biological reasons may contribute to attachment styles. She also mentions that about 25% of people can change their attachment style through self-work.

Ury and the host discuss the dynamics of their own relationships. The host shares that he was avoidantly attached for most of his life but is now in a relationship with someone who is both secure and anxiously attached. They describe how their attachment styles interact and trigger each other, leading to moments of conflict and the need for emotional regulation.

Ury provides strategies for both avoidantly and anxiously attached individuals. Avoidantly attached individuals can learn to be clear about their needs, focus on the positives, and override their critical thoughts. Anxiously attached individuals can distract themselves, seek support from friends, and consider alternative perspectives.

The conversation continues with a discussion on the addictive nature of the anxious-avoidant loop. Ury explains that the intermittent reinforcement of attention and affection from avoidant partners can be addictive, similar to how slot machines work. She encourages people to seek secure partners who provide consistent love and attention.

Ury continues by explaining the concept of attachment styles, which are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that individuals develop in relationships. She specifically focuses on the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious individuals tend to seek closeness and reassurance in relationships, while avoidant individuals tend to value independence and distance.

Ury emphasizes the importance of understanding one's attachment style and how it can impact relationships. She explains that individuals with anxious attachment styles often have a fear of abandonment and may exhibit clingy or needy behavior. On the other hand, individuals with avoidant attachment styles may have difficulty with intimacy and may distance themselves emotionally.

She discusses the "toxic cycle" that can occur in relationships between anxious and avoidant individuals. The anxious person tends to chase after the avoidant person, who in turn distances themselves further. This cycle can be detrimental to the relationship and lead to feelings of frustration and insecurity.

Ury suggests that individuals should not jump to conclusions or create problems before there is evidence of a real issue in the relationship. She encourages open communication and understanding between partners to address any concerns or misunderstandings.

She shares a personal story about her own relationship, highlighting how she and her partner overcame their avoidant and anxious tendencies. They made the choice to break the cycle and work on their relationship, which ultimately led to a stronger and healthier connection.

Ury introduces the concept of the "secretary problem," which is a mathematical approach to knowing when to stop searching for a partner and make a choice. The idea is to go through a certain percentage of potential partners and then choose the first person who is better than the previous benchmark. This approach challenges the idea of constantly searching for the perfect person and encourages individuals to focus on building a great relationship with someone who is already a good match.

She also discusses the concept of being a maximizer, someone who constantly seeks the perfect partner and has unrealistic expectations. Ury explains that maximizers often struggle to find a suitable partner because they are always waiting for someone better to come along. She advises maximizers to focus on finding someone amazing and building a relationship with them, rather than constantly searching for perfection.

Ury addresses the issue of the "ick," which is a trendy term used to describe when someone suddenly loses interest in a potential partner due to a small, often trivial, detail or behavior. She suggests that people should not let these minor annoyances become deal-breakers and instead focus on the bigger picture and connection with the person.

She also discusses the three dating tendencies: the romantic, the maximizer, and the hesitator. The romantic has unrealistic expectations of relationships, the maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner, and the hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. Ury advises individuals to be aware of their tendencies and work on developing more realistic expectations in order to improve their dating experiences.

She also talks about the concept of sober dating, which has become more popular, especially among younger generations. Ury explains that many people prefer to meet their potential partners without the influence of alcohol, as it allows them to truly get to know the person and avoid potential anxiety or mental health issues the next day.

Ury then delves into what makes a great date, encouraging individuals to think about the parts of themselves that often don't come out during dates. She suggests designing a date that emphasizes the side of you that you want to showcase, whether it's your funny side, adventurous side, or any other aspect of your personality. The goal is to create an environment where you can be less in control and more playful, allowing for a deeper connection to form.

She also addresses the issue of shallow conversation and small talk during dates. She explains that people are drawn to emotional vulnerability and want to go deep in conversations. Ury advises individuals to share stories rather than just facts, as it allows for a more meaningful connection. By opening up and sharing deeper thoughts and feelings, you create a safe space for your date to do the same.

Ury then discusses the correlation between vulnerability and self-esteem. She explains that individuals with low self-esteem may hesitate to be vulnerable because they fear rejection, while those with high self-confidence may struggle to be vulnerable because they feel it is risky to show imperfections. However, she emphasizes that vulnerability is the bridge to connection and encourages people to let others in and show their true selves.

She also touches on the impact of technology on dating. She highlights the research that shows how the presence of a phone, even if it's face down or off, can hinder the depth of conversation and make people feel less safe to share. Ury advises putting phones away and out of sight during dates to create a distraction-free environment that fosters deeper connections.

Ury also addresses the issue of dating preferences, particularly when it comes to height filters on dating apps. She explains that setting restrictive filters, such as only dating people over six feet tall, limits the pool of potential partners and may prevent individuals from connecting with someone who could be a great match. She encourages people to be open-minded and expand their filters to give themselves a chance to connect with a wider range of people.

Ury discusses the importance of vulnerability in relationships. She shares her own journey of learning to be more vulnerable and how it has deepened her connections with others. Ury emphasizes that vulnerability allows people to feel closer and more connected, as it creates a safe space for both partners to be their authentic selves.

Ury introduces the concept of the "spark" versus the "slow burn" in relationships. The spark refers to the initial chemistry and excitement that can often lead to relationships that burn out quickly. On the other hand, the slow burn represents a more secure and stable connection that can lead to a long-term partnership. She encourages individuals to shift their focus from seeking the spark to looking for the slow burn, which involves finding a secure person who would make a great long-term partner.

To help individuals assess their compatibility with a potential partner, Ury introduces the concept of the "post-date 8." After a date, individuals should ask themselves a series of questions to determine their level of interest and how they felt in the other person's presence. This exercise helps train the brain to focus on what truly matters in a relationship rather than superficial qualities.

Ury discusses some common misconceptions about what matters in finding love. She explains that looks and money are less important than people think. While attraction is important, adaptation occurs, and people become accustomed to what is around them. Similarly, money may make things easier, but it does not guarantee long-term relationship success. Ury emphasizes the importance of kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, and the ability to make hard decisions together as key factors for a successful relationship.

The conversation then shifts to the topic of fighting well in relationships. Ury explains that it is not about avoiding conflict altogether but rather about having the skills to resolve conflicts in a respectful and constructive manner. She references the work of Julie and John Gottman, who emphasize the importance of fighting well and making decisions together as a team.

The discussion moves on to the role of dating apps in modern relationships. Ury believes that dating apps have been a net positive for society, as they have helped many people find love, especially those in marginalized groups or over a certain age. However, she acknowledges that some men may feel disadvantaged on dating apps due to the concentration of attention on a small percentage of men. Nevertheless, she believes that dating apps are just one avenue for meeting potential partners and that people should also be open to meeting others in real life.

The host asks Ury about the ideal time to get married. Ury suggests that there is no perfect time and that the focus should be on having intentional conversations with one's partner about their goals, values, and future plans. She emphasizes the importance of deciding rather than sliding through relationship milestones, ensuring that both partners are on the same page.

The episode concludes with Ury's definition of great sex. She describes it as a deep connection that allows individuals to be fully present, express themselves, and experience pleasure. She believes that great sex involves losing oneself in the moment and being transported to a different place.