Gender Expert: Men Are Emotionally Dependent On Women, We're Treating Them Like Malfunctioning Women

Added: Jul 8, 2024

The State of Modern Men

Reeves argues that we are in the early stages of a cultural revolution where women are no longer economically reliant on men. While this is positive progress, it has put a question mark next to the traditional role of men. In the past, there was a clear script for how to be a man, a father, and a provider. Now that script has been torn up, leaving many men feeling adrift and uncertain of their place. This is contributing to various struggles for men, including falling behind in education, wage stagnation, rising rates of singlehood, and a suicide rate that is four times higher than women and increasing. Reeves cites research showing that the two most common words used by men to describe themselves before suicide were "useless" and "worthless." He argues the most fatal place for a human to end up is feeling unneeded.

Educational and Economic Shifts

There has been a complete reversal in higher education gender gaps since the 1970s. Women now outpace men significantly in college enrollment and completion. The immediate impact of COVID-19 on college enrollment was seven times greater for men than women in the U.S. Economically, wages have stagnated especially for working-class men. These shifts are leaving many men feeling uncertain about their role and value in society.

Mental Health and Suicide Crisis

Suicide rates are alarmingly high for men, especially in certain demographics. In the UK, suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45. The growth in male suicides has occurred almost entirely since 2010. Rural areas tend to have higher suicide rates than urban areas. Reeves cites research showing that men who died by suicide most commonly described themselves as "useless" and "worthless" beforehand, highlighting the crisis of meaning and purpose many men are experiencing.

Changes in Relationships and Family Structure

There have been major shifts in dating, relationships, and family structures. Young men are much more likely to be single now compared to the past. Marriage rates have declined, though this varies significantly by country, class, and education level. In the U.S., about 40% of births now occur outside of marriage, up from 10% in 1970. Women are more likely to initiate divorce than men. These changes are creating new challenges for men in forming relationships and finding a sense of purpose through family roles.

The Need for New Models of Masculinity

Reeves argues that as traditional male roles have been disrupted, society has not provided clear new models or scripts for positive masculinity. He suggests the feminist movement successfully replaced old scripts for women with new empowering narratives, but equivalent new scripts have not emerged for men. This leaves many men, especially young men, feeling lost. He advocates for developing new models of mature, responsible masculinity rather than simply criticizing traditional masculinity as toxic.

Biological Differences and Gender Roles

The conversation explores the complex topic of biological differences between men and women. Reeves argues there are average differences between the sexes in areas like risk-taking, competitiveness, and interests. However, he emphasizes these are overlapping distributions, not absolutes. He suggests these differences may influence some gender patterns in society, but should never be used to discriminate against individuals. He proposes that acknowledging some innate differences can actually support arguments for gender diversity, as men and women may bring complementary strengths to various roles.

The Male Friendship Recession

Reeves highlights concerning trends showing declining male friendships and increasing loneliness among men. In the U.S., 15% of men under 30 report having no close friends, up from 3% in 1990. Men are spending less time with friends and have shrinking social networks compared to the past. He suggests this may partly be because men have historically relied on women to maintain social connections and now need to develop those skills themselves. He also points to the decline of social institutions like churches that used to facilitate male bonding and community involvement.

The Impact of Online Dating

The rise of online dating appears to be exacerbating some challenges for men. Reeves cites data showing the bottom 50% of men (in terms of perceived desirability) get very little attention on dating apps, while the top 10% get the vast majority. This creates a stark divide that may be contributing to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness for many men. He notes this pattern actually mirrors much of human history, where a minority of high-status men had multiple partners while many men did not reproduce at all.

The Need for Male Role Models

Reeves emphasizes the importance of real-life male role models for boys and young men. He argues that flesh-and-blood examples of positive masculinity from fathers, teachers, coaches, and community members are the best antidote to harmful online influences. However, he notes that male role models are becoming scarcer in some key areas, like primary school teaching where only about 10% of teachers are men in some countries.

Couples Therapy and Personal Growth

Reeves shares a powerful personal anecdote about attending couples therapy with his wife. He describes it as one of the hardest things he's done as a man, but also transformative for their relationship. A pivotal moment came when his wife told him the problem wasn't that he wasn't feminist enough, but that he wasn't masculine enough. This led him to realize he had been at war with his own masculinity in an attempt to be a good feminist ally. He learned to give more expression to his masculine traits in a way that actually improved their relationship and aligned with feminist values.

Advice for Young Men

When asked what advice he would give his sons about being men in the modern world, Reeves emphasizes several key points:

1. Recognize there are average differences between men and women, but don't use these to discriminate.

2. Seek complete gender equality and partners who share that value.

3. Be of service to others.

4. Find work you're passionate about, not just focused on high earnings.

5. Have the courage to take social risks, like asking someone out.

6. Accept rejection gracefully.

7. Take responsibility for others' wellbeing when you're in a position to do so.

Reeves stresses that the most important factor is modeling positive masculinity through actions, not just words.

Societal Solutions

When asked what he would do at a societal level to address the challenges facing men and boys, Reeves emphasizes the power of acknowledgment and empathy. He argues that simply recognizing the struggles of men and boys publicly, showing that they are seen and heard, would be tremendously impactful. Many men currently feel their problems are dismissed or blamed on individual failings. Reeves suggests coupling this acknowledgment with concrete policy actions like developing men's health strategies, hiring more male teachers, and funding mental health services for men.

The Importance of Nuanced Conversation

Throughout the discussion, Reeves and the host emphasize the need for nuanced, good-faith conversations about gender issues. They acknowledge these topics can be polarizing, but argue that avoiding difficult discussions leaves a vacuum filled by more extreme voices. Reeves praises the host for creating a space for thoughtful dialogue that doesn't pander to either end of the political spectrum. Both agree that progress requires recognizing both the tremendous gains made for women's equality and the unintended consequences that have created new challenges for men. They advocate for an approach that seeks to elevate everyone rather than framing gender issues as a zero-sum game.

Closing Thoughts

Reeves expresses gratitude for the opportunity to discuss these issues openly. He reiterates that his goal is not to reverse progress for women, but to ensure that as society evolves, men and boys are not left behind. The host thanks Reeves for his work, praising his ability to approach sensitive topics with objectivity and compelling data. Both agree that creating space for honest, empathetic dialogue about the challenges facing men and boys is crucial for building a society where everyone can thrive.