Why Violence & Revenge Fantasies Feel Good - James Kimmel Jr.

The Personal Origin of Revenge Desires

James begins with a raw, personal account of how enduring bullying and victimization in his youth ignited powerful feelings of revenge. Relocating from the suburbs to a rural farming community at age 12, he encountered social exclusion and escalating harassment—from verbal abuse to physical violence and even a grievous act where his dog was shot. One night, consumed by rage, he chased his tormentors with a loaded gun, only to halt himself before the irreversible act of violence. This moment of critical insight—recognizing the immense cost of committing murder—showcases the human tension between violent impulses and self-control. It also sets the stage for understanding revenge as an intense, sometimes addictive craving, rather than a simple moral choice.

The Evolutionary and Neurological Roots of Revenge

Kimmel explains that revenge likely evolved as an adaptive tool for early humans to enforce social norms and protect vital resources essential for survival, such as mates and food. In harsh prehistoric environments where resources were scarce and social cohesion critical, retaliating against harm was beneficial for individual and group survival. However, in modern, relatively secure societies, this same mechanism now often overreacts to psychological grievances—like insults, humiliation, shame, and betrayal—that do not threaten survival in the same way. These psychological pains are registered in the brain's pain network, particularly the anterior insula, causing real, measurable distress akin to physical pain.

The brain then seeks relief by activating the reward system, especially the dopamine-rich nucleus accumbens and dorsal striatum, the same regions involved in drug and behavioral addictions. This 'high' from revenge gratification explains why revenge fantasies and actions are so compelling despite their overwhelmingly negative consequences. They tap into our brain's craving and addiction circuitry, often overriding the prefrontal cortex's capacity for self-control and reasoned decision-making. Kimmel highlights this as a neurological addiction, where the desire to retaliate is difficult to resist despite substantial harm to oneself and others.

The Disproportionate Power of Psychological Pain

An intriguing point emerges when Kimmel states humans heal physical injuries faster than psychological wounds caused by social and emotional harm. The brain's intense reaction to social pain—perceived slights, insults, betrayals—creates enduring revenge cravings that can spiral into cycles of violence. This also means that minor provocations in daily life can trigger disproportionate retaliatory urges. Such dynamics are observable in the power struggles within intimate relationships, workplaces, and social groups, where relatively trivial grievances can escalate into prolonged conflict.

Distinguishing Revenge from Self-Defense and Justice

Throughout the dialogue, Kimmel clarifies important distinctions between revenge, self-defense, and justice. Revenge is always backward-looking, a punishment motivated by past wrongs, whereas self-defense is a present-focused, necessary response to an immediate threat. Justice, on the other hand, ideally embodies fairness and equity, seeking to uphold the rights and dignity of others without simply inflicting pain for its own sake.

However, Kimmel argues that much of our legal and social systems operate under a veil of "justice" while actually functioning as organized revenge operations. Courts, prisons, and much of criminal law often serve as state-sanctioned mechanisms to satisfy collective revenge desires, albeit clothed in the language of fairness. This obfuscation allows societies to claim moral superiority while maintaining cycles of retaliation and punishment.

Revenge and Violence in Society

On a societal scale, Kimmel points out how revenge underpins almost all forms of violence, from bullying and domestic abuse to war and genocide. He reflects on historic and contemporary events—such as the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the prolonged wars that followed—arguing that the American response was less about justice and more about a long revenge binge. Leaders frame acts of retaliation as "justice" to preserve moral legitimacy but are in reality fueling cycles of violence by responding with vengeance.

Social media and digital platforms have revolutionized the dynamics of grievance formation and revenge, enabling rapid dissemination of perceived injustices and collective outrage. This technological amplification creates fertile grounds for organizing real-world retaliatory violence, as seen in the January 6th Capitol insurrection preceded by months of online grievance-mongering.

Kimmel also touches on cultural differences, pointing to societies with entrenched blood feuds where revenge is normalized and taught from childhood, compared to others where social norms and legal structures discourage such behavior. Gender differences in empathy during retributive acts are noted, with women reportedly possessing a greater neurological sensitivity to the pain they inflict, potentially leading to earlier cessation of vengeful actions compared to men.

The Psychological Reality of Revenge

Rejecting simplistic notions of "evil," Kimmel contends that most perpetrators of violence see themselves as victims and act out of compulsive revenge addictions rather than inherent malice. Sociopaths and psychopaths, who lack empathy, compose a small minority of individuals; the majority of destructive actions emerge from a brain hijacked by grievance and the craving for retribution.

His remarks on mass shooters and other tragic figures emphasize the tragic human story behind heinous acts—a narrative of victimization fueling compulsive retaliation rather than an innate desire to do evil. Recognizing this human complexity opens pathways for intervention, empathy, and prevention.

Forgiveness: A Neurological Superpower

Despite the dark insights into revenge, Kimmel provides a hopeful counterpoint centered on forgiveness. Neuroscientific studies reveal that simply deciding to forgive deactivates the brain's pain centers and craving networks associated with revenge, while activating the prefrontal cortex to restore self-control and executive function. Forgiveness reduces physiological stress, lowers blood pressure, improves sleep, and promotes mental health, making it a powerful antidote to the destructive cycles of revenge.

To make forgiveness more accessible, Kimmel developed the "Miracle Court" app—a virtual role-playing tool where individuals can internally process their grievances by putting their offenders "on trial" within their mind. This mental exercise helps people experience the necessary trauma recovery components of being heard, holding others accountable, and weighing consequences, eventually leading many to release their revenge cravings and embrace forgiveness.

Addressing Revenge Across Society

Kimmel advocates for public health approaches to combat revenge addiction in society, similar to strategies used against drug and alcohol dependency. Educating children and adults about managing grievances and revenge urges could reduce the incidence of violence. Mental health professionals should recognize compulsive revenge seeking as a brain-based disorder and provide appropriate interventions.

At the same time, Kimmel acknowledges the challenging cultural landscape, in which revenge is glamorized through media, politics, and even sports, while forgiveness is often dismissed or seen as weakness. Changing this cultural narrative requires both education and structural support, creating heroes and role models who exemplify forgiveness as strength rather than submission.

Forgiveness in Human Society

In concluding reflections, Kimmel envisions a future where forgiveness and self-regulation are embraced as vital tools for peace and wellbeing. Drawing from historical precedents such as post-World War II reconstruction and reconciliation, he reminds us that societies can break cycles of retaliation by choosing forgiveness. The challenge lies in educating the public about the neurobiological realities of revenge and forgiveness, reframing ingrained instincts as addictive cravings that can be managed rather than inevitable truths.

By recognizing revenge as a powerful, yet ultimately self-destructive, addiction rooted within our brains, humanity gains the possibility of harnessing the countervailing power of forgiveness to heal trauma, reduce violence, and foster greater social cohesion.