Added: Nov 3, 2023
In this podcast, Alex DatePsych discusses the concept of risk aversion and its impact on men's approach to women. Risk aversion refers to a personality trait where individuals are less willing to take risks. For men, approaching women is often seen as a risky endeavor, leading to a correlation between risk aversion and a reluctance to approach women.Alex conducted a survey to explore this correlation further. The survey measured risk aversion and asked participants about their approach behavior, such as approaching women for dates or initiating conversations. The results showed a positive correlation between risk aversion and a lower willingness to approach women. Individuals who were more risk averse tended to have more fears and concerns about the potential consequences of approaching women.
The primary fears expressed by men in the survey were related to social rejection and social consequences. Some men also expressed concerns about legal consequences, such as reports to HR or the police. The fear of losing reputation was a common theme among the participants.
Alex suggests that this fear of approaching women may have an ancestral basis. In tribal societies, being rejected by a woman could harm a man's credibility with other women and his mates. This fear is deeply ingrained in men, regardless of their confidence levels.
Alex also mentions the pickup artist community, which has recognized this fear and developed exposure therapy techniques to help men overcome it. By gradually exposing themselves to approaching women, men can reduce their fear and become more comfortable with the process. However, Alex notes that most men do not engage in this type of exposure therapy, and the nervousness associated with approaching women persists even for confident individuals.
The conversation then shifts to the perspective of women approaching men. Alex mentions that women rarely approach men, even attractive men. It is a violation of expected gender roles, and women often prefer to be approached by men. Alex's survey also found that a significant percentage of women expressed a desire for men to approach them more.
Alex is asked if there has been a change in men's risk aversion and fear of approach over time. While Alex does not have specific data on this, they mention that there is research suggesting that younger generations may be more risk-averse. Younger individuals are waiting longer to take risks, such as getting a job, going to school, or getting a driver's license. This trend may also apply to their approach to dating and relationships.
The conversation then delves into the relationship between risk aversion and sexual behavior. Alex mentions that individuals with higher risk tolerance or risk-seeking tendencies tend to have more sexual partners. This may be due to their willingness to take risks and approach potential partners more aggressively.
Alex shares a statistic from their research that 50% of men aged 18 to 30 have not approached a woman in the last year. However, among the men who did approach women, more than half were successful in getting a date or establishing a romantic connection. This suggests that approaching women can be effective, even for men with varying levels of risk aversion.
Alex also highlights the importance of other factors, such as behavioral dominance, in attracting sexual partners. Men who exhibit dominance, aggression, or participate in competitive sports tend to have more sexual partners. This suggests that risk aversion and impulsiveness play a role in sexual behavior and partner selection.
The conversation then shifts to the struggles people face in dating. Alex conducted a survey asking participants about their dating difficulties. The primary fears expressed by men were fear of rejection and fear of negative social consequences. Women, on the other hand, expressed struggles with finding intellectual compatibility, feeling pressured for sex, and not finding someone physically attractive enough.
Alex mentions that women's desire for intellectual compatibility was higher than expected, with about 70-80% of women expressing a desire for a partner they can connect with intellectually. This finding challenges the common belief that intelligence, kindness, and humor are not important in dating.
Alex also discusses the challenges of changing beliefs and ideologies, particularly in the incel community. They mention that many people are resistant to changing their beliefs and often adopt ideologies that align with their identity. Alex's research aims to challenge some of the cognitive distortions prevalent in the incel community.
The conversation then explores misconceptions about online dating. Alex mentions that a common perception is that online dating apps are primarily used for hookups. However, the majority of people use these apps to facilitate long-term relationships. Alex also highlights the misconception that match rates on dating apps reflect actual success in dating. While women may have higher match rates, the actual success in forming connections is more balanced.
Alex also discusses the preferences for education and attractiveness in online dating. They mention a study that found men prefer attractive profiles regardless of their own attractiveness, while high-educated men prefer low-educated profiles. The preferences for attractiveness are similar for women, but the preferences for education are opposite. The study also found that unattractive, low-educated men and unattractive, high-educated women are more likely to stay single.
The conversation continues with a discussion about the impact of dating apps on people's perceptions of attractiveness and the discouragement that can arise from low match rates. Alex emphasizes that it's not necessary for everyone to like you, as finding just one person who is interested is enough. He shares an interesting insight from Seth Stevens-Davidowitz, who used split testing to determine that leaning into his nerdy look actually increased his attractiveness to women.
The conversation then shifts to the topic of "dad bods" and the preference some women have for men with a slightly out-of-shape physique. Alex explains that this preference may stem from a sense of comfort and security, as well as a perception that more muscular men may be more likely to cheat or be narcissistic. However, he notes that preferences can vary, and some women may still prefer more muscular men.
Alex also discusses the concept of the libido gap, which refers to the difference in sexual desire between men and women. He explains that men generally have a higher libido and desire for sexual variety, while women tend to have a lower libido and desire for more stable, long-term relationships. This difference is influenced by factors such as testosterone levels and evolutionary mating strategies.
The conversation then delves into the topic of sexual double standards, which are attitudes and behaviors related to sexuality that differ between men and women. Alex explains that while some double standards still exist, such as the perception that promiscuity is more acceptable for men, there has been progress in reducing these disparities, particularly in areas such as sexual assault and sex with minors.
Alex also explores the topic of body count, referring to the number of sexual partners a person has had. He explains that while some men may prefer virgins, the ideal body count for both men and women tends to be relatively low, around two to three partners. Preferences for higher body counts tend to decrease, and extremely high body counts may be viewed as a potential deal-breaker.
The conversation then turns to the topic of divorce rates and the misconceptions surrounding them. Alex emphasizes that divorce rates are not fixed at 50% and can vary depending on individual characteristics and circumstances within a relationship. Factors such as infidelity, substance abuse, and economic problems can contribute to divorce, and avoiding these issues can significantly reduce the risk.
Alex also addresses the claim made by Jeremy Boring that women initiating divorce is evidence of "manifestations of evil" being more common in women. Alex explains that divorce initiation is a complex issue and cannot be solely attributed to one gender. Reasons for divorce initiation can vary, and it is important to consider the dynamics and circumstances within each relationship.
The conversation continues with a discussion about the importance of communication and understanding within relationships. Alex highlights the need for both partners to be attentive to each other's needs and to address issues before they escalate. He emphasizes that divorce should not be seen as a failure but rather as a decision made for the well-being and happiness of both individuals involved.
The conversation continues with a discussion about the cultural expectations of monogamy and the idea of staying together with one partner for life. Alex explains that while societal norms dictate that people should stay committed to their partners, there is often a mismatch between these expectations and what people actually desire. He mentions that research on love shows that the passionate or romantic love that people experience in the early stages of a relationship tends to fade after a few years. This can lead to a desire for something more in addition to the committed love that develops over time. However, there is no clear answer or solution to this dilemma, and societal beliefs and values often play a role in shaping people's decisions.
The conversation then shifts to a discussion about the preferences women have for certain types of men. Alex shares the results of a study he conducted using vignettes to assess women's attraction to different types of men. He found that women tend to be more attracted to men who hold traditional attitudes towards gender roles, referred to as benevolent sexism, rather than men who hold hostile sexist beliefs. This preference for men with more traditional attitudes is consistent across women of different political leanings. The conversation also touches on the idea that women may desire men who are dominant and take charge in the relationship, while still maintaining a sense of equality and respect.
The discussion then turns to the concept of red flags in relationships. Alex shares the results of a study that identified six main red flags: grossness, clinginess, addiction, promiscuity, apathy, and lack of motivation. He explains that these red flags are often associated with negative traits or behaviors that people want to avoid in a potential partner. Interestingly, the study found that women find promiscuity to be an even bigger red flag than men do in short-term relationships. This may be due to women's higher disgust sensitivity and the potential risks associated with sexual encounters.
The conversation also touches on the topic of age gap relationships and the taboos surrounding them. Alex explains that age gap relationships can be seen as a threat to the mating pool, as they may involve one partner being pulled from a certain age range. However, he notes that the disapproval of age gap relationships is more pronounced among younger men, suggesting that they may feel threatened by older men dating younger women. The conversation also explores other possible explanations for age gap taboos, such as power imbalances and cultural norms.
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