Added: Oct 13, 2023
In this podcast episode with Connor Beaton, the main subjects discussed revolve around the challenges men face when it comes to vulnerability and opening up about their struggles. The conversation explores the societal expectations placed on men, the impact of war and competition, and the myth of male vulnerability.The podcast begins by drawing a parallel between the one rule of men and the first rule of Fight Club, which is "you don't talk about Fight Club." The one rule of men, according to Beaton, is that men are not supposed to talk about what it's like to be a man who is suffering or struggling. This rule stems from the belief that men should suppress their emotions and not show any signs of weakness.
Beaton shares his personal experience growing up in a culture that emphasized masculinity and the pressure to conform to the rule of not talking about struggles. He explains how this rule can lead to men reaching a breaking point or rock bottom because they have no outlet for their pain, grief, or anxiety. The belief that suppressing emotions makes men stronger is ultimately detrimental to their well-being.
The conversation then delves into the origins of this expectation for men to remain silent about their struggles. Beaton suggests that it stems from various factors, including evolutionary history, societal narratives, competition-based relationships, and the generational trauma of war. Men have historically been expected to endure hardship and be emotionally stoic, which has created a culture of suppressing emotions.
The podcast highlights the double-edged sword of seeking strength through suppression. While there are times when emotional stoicism is necessary, taking it to the extreme can become toxic. Beaton shares his own experience of feeling like an imposter and struggling with anger, frustration, and bitterness towards life. He emphasizes that many men today are going through similar challenges, feeling isolated and unable to talk about their struggles.
The conversation then explores the societal push for men to be more vulnerable. Beaton argues that while there is a narrative that men should open up and talk about their emotions, the reality is often different. Opening up can lead to negative consequences, such as being labeled weak or facing rejection from partners or friends. Many women may not know how to handle a man's vulnerability, as they may have grown up with male figures who never expressed their emotions.
Beaton introduces the concept of the myth of male vulnerability, which suggests that men's problems will disappear if they are just more vulnerable. However, this narrative overlooks the complexities of men's issues and the need for systemic changes. He points out that men's problems are often met with the solution of "just be more vulnerable," without addressing the underlying societal issues that contribute to their struggles.
The podcast also touches on the competition-based nature of masculinity and the impact of war on men's ability to trust and relate to others. Beaton highlights the isolation that many veterans experience when returning to civilian life and their difficulty in trusting other men. This further reinforces the rule of not talking about struggles and creates a sense of existential aloneness.
The conversation continues by discussing the limitations of empathy when it comes to men's issues. Beaton argues that empathy is not a limited resource and recognizing men's struggles does not diminish the recognition of women's issues. He challenges the notion that men should just "man up" and fix themselves, highlighting the need for systemic changes and support for men facing various challenges.
The conversation continues by addressing the misconception that vulnerability is a weakness, particularly for men. Beaton emphasizes that vulnerability is actually a strength and an essential aspect of building meaningful relationships. He argues that men need to embrace vulnerability and emotional openness in order to develop deeper connections with others.
The discussion then shifts to the societal expectations placed on men, particularly in terms of their role as providers and protectors. Beaton explains that men are often expected to be resilient and strong, both physically and emotionally. He emphasizes the importance of having a partner who can provide emotional support and resilience, as well as the need for men to develop their own emotional resilience.
The conversation also touches on the concept of male problems being overlooked or dismissed in favor of focusing on women's issues. Beaton challenges the notion of "guy centrism" and argues that men's issues should be given equal attention and support. He highlights the need for men to have role models and mentors who can guide them in navigating the challenges of masculinity.
Beaton discusses the impact of fatherlessness on boys and the importance of having male role models in their lives. He explains that without a father figure, boys may struggle to develop a sense of identity and may seek validation from women. He emphasizes the need for men to establish masculine friendships and support networks where they can have open and honest conversations about their experiences and challenges.
The conversation then delves into the pressures and double standards faced by men in relation to sex and intimacy. Beaton acknowledges that men often feel the need to perform and meet certain expectations in the bedroom. He highlights the impact of stress and hormone levels on sexual performance and emphasizes the importance of addressing these factors for a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
The discussion continues with Beaton offering advice for men who want to embrace vulnerability and emotional openness. He suggests seeking out mentors and role models who can provide guidance and support. He also encourages men to establish male friendships and support networks where they can have honest conversations about their experiences and challenges. Beaton emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and self-awareness in order to develop emotional resilience and authenticity.
The conversation then shifts to the topic of confusion and its toxic effects on masculinity. Beaton argues that confusion erodes masculinity by undermining a sense of assurance, clarity, and direction. He suggests that society has allowed masculinity to be diluted by promoting confusion and that men need to reclaim their sense of certainty and assertiveness.
Beaton also emphasizes the importance of confronting one's own shadow and darkness. He explains that these are the parts of oneself that are often hidden and disliked, but they need to be acknowledged and addressed for personal growth. Beaton references Carl Jung's idea that confession and admission are the first steps in any therapeutic or psychological process. He encourages men to find a safe space, such as therapy or a men's group, where they can openly discuss their struggles and receive support and feedback.
Finding mentors is another crucial aspect of personal development for men, according to Beaton. He believes that men should seek out individuals they respect and admire, who can provide guidance and influence. Beaton emphasizes the importance of being open to being influenced by others, as it is a necessary part of personal growth. He suggests finding mentors in various areas of life, such as career, relationships, and personal development.
Replacing coping mechanisms and maladaptive behaviors is another key step in personal growth for men. Beaton acknowledges that everyone has unhealthy habits that keep them stuck, such as smoking weed or playing video games excessively. He advises men to systematically replace these habits with more generative and positive ones. By doing so, men can develop a deeper sense of competency and capability, which is often lacking in their lives.
The conversation concludes with a discussion on self-esteem and the importance of trusting oneself. Beaton highlights the tendency for men to seek validation from others, which often leads to sacrificing their own desires and needs. He encourages men to prioritize their own wants and needs, building self-esteem by standing up for themselves and telling the truth. Beaton emphasizes the importance of trust in oneself and the need to keep one's word, as it is essential for building self-esteem and personal growth.
