Added: Oct 30, 2023
In this podcast episode, Justin Mogiliski discusses the topic of consensual non-monogamy and its increasing popularity. He mentions that according to statistics, about one in five people in the United States have tried or are interested in trying non-monogamy. This surge in popularity can be attributed to various factors, including the development of individualistic societies, equal opportunities, and the desire for more options that align with personal motives and goals.Mogiliski explains that there is a sex difference in the preference for consensual non-monogamous relationships. Men are more likely to express interest in non-monogamy, primarily due to their higher interest in casual sex and pursuit of sexual opportunities. On the other hand, women tend to be more selective and interested in commitment from a partner. However, he notes that the difference between men and women's interest in non-monogamy is not as significant as one might expect.
The motives for engaging in non-monogamy also differ between men and women. Men often seek casual sexual relationships, while women may be more interested in emotional connections and the potential benefits of multiple partnerships, such as support networks and childcare.
The discussion then delves into the challenges and potential pitfalls of non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski explains that one of the reasons non-monogamy can fail is the complexity of managing multiple relationships. When adding a third person or more, the dynamics become more intricate, and individuals must consider how each person contributes to their lives and how these relationships may impact their existing partners. Failure to account for these factors can lead to conflicts and relationship breakdowns.
The conversation also explores the concept of jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski highlights that men tend to experience more sexual jealousy, while women are more prone to emotional jealousy. However, he acknowledges that jealousy is a common challenge for both sexes in non-monogamous relationships. Managing jealousy requires open communication, understanding, and addressing insecurities and concerns.
The podcast then discusses the influence of mate value on jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski mentions that individuals with higher mate value may feel more secure in their attachment to their partner and their ability to attract others. This sense of security may lead to a reduced fear of their partner leaving them for someone else. However, he notes that further research is needed to fully understand the relationship between mate value and jealousy in non-monogamous relationships.
The conversation shifts to the types of non-monogamous relationships and their popularity. Mogiliski explains that open relationships, polyamory, and swinging are common forms of non-monogamy. While open relationships are more prevalent due to their broader definition, polyamorous relationships, which involve multiple emotional attachments, are gaining popularity. However, the exact frequency of each type of non-monogamous relationship is challenging to determine due to the stigma associated with non-monogamy.
The podcast also explores the concept of one-sided non-monogamy, where only one partner is allowed to engage in additional relationships. Mogiliski mentions that this arrangement, known as the "one penis policy," is relatively common but can create tension and restrictions for the partner who is not allowed to pursue other relationships.
The discussion then focuses on the maintenance strategies for non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski introduces the Multi-Relationship Maintenance Strategies Scale, which includes various strategies such as exclusivity agreements, attraction disclosure, jealousy regulation, and compersion. Exclusivity agreements involve explicit discussions about monogamy or non-monogamy at the beginning of a relationship and revisiting the agreement over time. Attraction disclosure refers to openly communicating attraction to others outside the relationship. Jealousy regulation involves discussing and managing feelings of jealousy, while compersion refers to feeling happiness for one's partner's positive experiences with others.
Mogiliski explains that these strategies are crucial for maintaining healthy non-monogamous relationships. Open communication, transparency, and addressing emotions and concerns are essential for resolving conflicts and maintaining relationship satisfaction. He also mentions that adherence to these strategies is associated with higher relationship satisfaction, but the direction of causality is unclear and requires further research.
Mogiliski continues by explaining that non-monogamy refers to any relationship structure that involves more than two individuals and allows for multiple romantic or sexual connections. He emphasizes that non-monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all approach and that there are different forms, including polyamory, open relationships, and swinging, each with its own unique dynamics.
The discussion then delves into the topic of jealousy, which is often seen as a major obstacle in non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski explains that jealousy is a natural emotion that arises from a fear of losing a partner or resources. However, he argues that jealousy can be managed and reframed in a way that benefits the relationship. He suggests that individuals should observe their emotions and question whether their jealousy is serving a purpose or if it is simply a negative emotion that is not helpful.
The conversation then moves on to the topic of domestic violence in non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski acknowledges that poorly managed emotions, such as jealousy, can contribute to domestic violence. However, he believes that if individuals in non-monogamous relationships effectively manage their emotions and practice healthy communication, the rates of domestic violence would be similar to those in monogamous relationships.
The concept of partner hierarchy is also discussed, with Mogiliski explaining that some individuals in non-monogamous relationships label their partners as primary, secondary, or tertiary. This hierarchy can affect the dynamics and decision-making within the relationship. Mogiliski suggests that a non-hierarchical approach, where relationships develop naturally based on chemistry and individual preferences, may lead to better outcomes and less conflict.
Sexual health maintenance is another important aspect of non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski highlights the importance of regular testing for sexually transmitted infections and the use of safer sex practices to prevent the spread of infections and unwanted pregnancies. He emphasizes that taking precautions and being responsible with sexual health is crucial in non-monogamous relationships.
The conversation then explores the concept of sharing extra-pair sexuality, which involves including one's partner in sexual experiences with other individuals. Mogiliski suggests that this practice can lead to less conflict and jealousy if both partners are getting something out of the experience. However, he acknowledges that this practice may not be suitable for everyone and that individual preferences and boundaries should be respected.
Reputation management is also discussed, with Mogiliski explaining that individuals in non-monogamous relationships often hide their relationships from others due to societal stigma. He argues that being open and public about consensual non-monogamy can lead to healthier relationships and better integration within social circles.
The final topic covered in the podcast is resource distribution within non-monogamous relationships. Mogiliski explains that individuals may invest more time and attention in new relationships, leading to feelings of neglect or jealousy from existing partners. He suggests that balancing the distribution of resources and ensuring that all partners' needs are met can help prevent rivalry and conflict.
