Doctor Explains Why Nice Guys REALLY Finish Last
Added: Feb 2, 2024
Dr. Robert Glover, author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy," discusses the concept of the "nice guy" and the impact it has on men's lives. He explains that the problem with being a nice guy is that it stems from an inaccurate belief system developed at a young age, where the individual internalizes the idea that they are not okay just as they are. This leads to a tendency to seek external validation, people-pleasing behavior, and a lack of authenticity.Key takeaways
Nice guy behavior stems from an inaccurate belief system, leading to seeking external validation and people-pleasing.
Covert contracts are unspoken agreements nice guys make, expecting validation and love in return, often leading to resentment.
Nice guys often struggle with anxiety, shame, and hidden behaviors, stemming from childhood experiences and fear of vulnerability.
Being a bad receiver and prioritizing others' needs over their own contributes to the challenges nice guys face in relationships.
Releasing toxic shame, setting boundaries, and finding supportive connections with men are crucial steps for nice guys to break free from harmful patterns.
The Prototypical Nice Guy
Dr. Glover describes the prototypical nice guy as someone who walks through life trying to make everybody happy, avoid conflict, and not rock the boat. He explains that nice guys often have a tendency to be unauthentic, dishonest, and untrustworthy, and they may experience feelings of frustration, resentment, and depression.
The Genesis of Nice Guy Syndrome
Dr. Glover delves into the origins of nice guy syndrome, explaining that it can stem from various factors such as temperament, early life experiences, and family dynamics. He highlights the role of early childhood experiences in shaping a person's tendency to seek approval and avoid conflict, and how this can lead to the development of covert contracts and a fear of success.
Covert Contracts
One of the key concepts Dr. Glover discusses is the idea of covert contracts, which are unspoken, often unconscious agreements that nice guys have with the world around them. These contracts are based on the belief that if they do certain things, such as being a good guy or meeting others' needs without being asked, they will receive validation, love, and a smooth, problem-free life in return. Dr. Glover explains that these contracts are manipulative and often lead to feelings of resentment and frustration when they are not fulfilled.
Anxiety and Shame
Dr. Glover emphasizes the role of anxiety and shame in driving nice guy behavior. He explains that the fear of conflict, the desire to please others, and the tendency to hide one's needs and wants are all rooted in a deep-seated anxiety and a belief that one is not okay just as they are. He also discusses the impact of shame on a person's emotional operating system and their coping strategies for managing discomfort and anxiety.
Hidden Behavior
Dr. Glover explores the tendency of nice guys to engage in hidden behavior, such as hiding their needs, wants, and sexuality. He explains that this behavior often stems from early childhood experiences where expressing needs led to negative reactions, and the belief that being needy makes one vulnerable and at risk of control by others.
Coping Strategies
Dr. Glover discusses the various coping strategies that nice guys may adopt, such as overeating, compulsive social media use, porn consumption, video game addiction, and substance abuse. He explains that these coping mechanisms are rooted in the infant logic of trying to manage discomfort and anxiety, and they often persist into adulthood as a way of avoiding vulnerability and seeking validation.
The Impact of Being a Bad Receiver
Dr. Glover explains that nice guys are often bad receivers because they believe that having needs makes them vulnerable and at risk of negative reactions. They may have internalized the idea that their needs are less important than others' needs, and that expressing needs makes them owe something to others. Overcoming this mindset and making oneself a priority is a crucial step in breaking free from the patterns of nice guy behavior.
The Role of Emotional Tension
Dr. Glover explains the role of emotional tension in relationships, highlighting the differences in how men and women experience and respond to it. He discusses how women need emotional tension to feel attraction and arousal, while men tend to prefer positive emotional tension. He provides examples of creating emotional tension, such as leading in decision-making and not immediately responding to messages, to maintain attraction and engagement in relationships.
Female Attraction and Polarity
Dr. Glover delves into the concept of polarity in relationships, emphasizing the need for dominance and submission to create attraction. He explains that women are attracted to men who are comfortable in their own skin, know where they are going, and look like they are having a good time going there. He also discusses the importance of men leading and setting the tone in relationships, as it creates emotional tension and maintains attraction.
The Tyranny of the Minority
Dr. Glover addresses the prevalence of extreme views in the media and social discourse, particularly regarding toxic masculinity and the portrayal of men in relationships. He suggests that the overcorrection in societal views has led to a focus on negative aspects of masculinity, and he believes that there is a shift towards a better space as men become more conscious of valuable qualities and behaviors.
The Impact of Nice Guy Syndrome
Dr. Glover discusses the impact of "nice guy" behavior on relationships, highlighting the misconception that being nice to women will make them attracted to men. He explains that being overly nice creates no emotional tension and can lead to women feeling burdened by the lack of polarity in the relationship. He emphasizes the need for men to lead and create emotional tension to maintain attraction and engagement in relationships.
Toxic Shame and the "Nice Guy" Syndrome
Dr. Glover shares that nice guys seek validation and approval from others, often at the expense of their own needs and authenticity. He explains that toxic shame, which is deeply ingrained in "nice guys," leads to a fear of rejection and a constant need to please others. This behavior is often rooted in childhood experiences and can have a significant impact on their adult relationships.
Releasing Toxic Shame and Finding Safe People
Dr. Glover emphasizes the importance of finding safe people to support the release of toxic shame. He encourages "nice guys" to seek out coaches, therapists, or men's groups where they can openly share their experiences and begin to let go of the shame that has been holding them back. By finding safe people, "nice guys" can start to unravel the emotional roadblocks that have been hindering their personal growth and relationships.
Honesty and Prioritizing Needs
Another key aspect of Dr. Glover's approach is the importance of honesty and prioritizing one's needs. He shares his own experience of working on being honest with his then-wife and how it led to a shift in their relationship dynamics. By making honesty a priority and being open about one's needs, "nice guys" can start to break free from the patterns of people-pleasing and validation-seeking that have been holding them back.
Setting Boundaries and Building Connections with Men
Dr. Glover highlights the need for "nice guys" to work on setting boundaries, which can be a challenging but essential part of their personal growth. By learning to assert their needs and establish healthy boundaries, "nice guys" can create more balanced and fulfilling relationships. Additionally, Dr. Glover emphasizes the importance of building connections with other men to create a supportive tribe. He shares his own experience of seeking out a men's group and the positive impact it had on his personal and professional life.
