Born to Lie: How Humans Deceive Ourselves & Others - Lionel Page

The Real Purpose of Human Reasoning

Lionel first confronts the classic assumption that reason serves primarily to solve empirical problems or uncover truths. Instead, he explains that, while reason can occasionally facilitate practical problem-solving, its main function is social: to convince and persuade others. Reasoning often resembles the work of lawyers advocating their case rather than scientists objectively analyzing facts. This reframing explains widespread cognitive biases like confirmation bias, where individuals selectively focus on supportive information while disregarding counterevidence—not necessarily due to irrationality but because such behavior suits the social imperative of winning arguments.

This perspective also clarifies why most people rarely invent or solve complex practical problems on their own, since human problem-solving frequently relies on inherited solutions, cultural knowledge, and social learning. Reason is thus less about individual innovation and more about navigating social environments, convincing peers and superiors, and maintaining a favorable reputation within groups.

Self-Deception as a Strategic Tool

Delving deeper, Lionel discusses self-deception's evolutionary rationale. While it might seem counterintuitive to believe flattering or false narratives about oneself—given the risks overconfidence entails in physical or social endeavors—it actually can enhance social success. One benefit of self-deception is that it makes deception of others more convincing. If someone genuinely believes their own exaggerated claims, they are less likely to betray emotional or behavioral "tells," analogous to poker players hiding their expressions with sunglasses.

Lionel references biologist Robert Trivers, who proposed that self-deception evolved to minimize the costs of being detected when bluffing socially. Believing one's own "story" facilitates a more seamless performance in social persuasion and helps maintain reputation, a valuable asset in coalition-building and cooperative ventures.

Subtle Manifestations of Self-Deception

Beyond overt overconfidence or inflated self-assessments, self-deception infiltrates everyday interactions in numerous subtle ways. Lionel highlights how nearly everyone systematically sees themselves and their contributions in self-serving, "rose-tinted" terms. For instance, couples often disagree sharply on who does what household chores, with their combined estimates exceeding the total possible effort, reflecting a common self-serving bias.

He also discusses how the desire to be perceived as a moral victim can function as a strategic form of self-deception. Claiming victimhood may superficially appear like self-diminishment but often aims to garner greater social status or material advantage by leveraging norms of fairness and retribution. This mechanism pervades social discourse, from family dynamics to political arenas, emphasizing how moral positioning intertwines with coalition interests.

Lying to Oneself Versus Others

Lionel explores the intriguing relationship between self-deception and deception of others. Rather than viewing them as separate acts, self-deception often reduces the need to fabricate explicit falsehoods toward others. If one sincerely believes their own distorted narrative, they can communicate it transparently while retaining plausible deniability against accusations of intentional dishonesty.

This reduces social risks, such as losing credibility or trust, because others find it harder to detect hard deceptions when the deceiver appears convinced by their own story. The interplay of self and other-directed deception thereby becomes a delicate balancing act influenced by reputation concerns—a cornerstone of effective social cooperation.

Reputation and Cooperation

Reputation emerges as a central theme in sustaining human cooperation. Lionel explains that, unlike solitary or genetically identical species, humans live in intricate social networks with overlapping, partially conflicting interests. Cooperation is maintained through repeated interactions where present behavior is punished or rewarded based on expectations of future engagements.

Through mechanisms akin to iterated game theory, people monitor each other's reliability and credibility, forming reputations that can either facilitate or hinder future collaborations. Knowing that deceptive or uncooperative actions will tarnish one's standing and limit social opportunities creates incentives for maintaining trustworthy behavior, though these incentives operate within complex social dynamics rather than rigid morality.

Communication

Lionel underscores the extraordinary complexity of human communication, far exceeding computational tasks such as chess. Human interlocutors engage in recursive "mind reading," anticipating not just what the other person thinks but how they expect to be interpreted themselves. This explains why, for example, a seemingly simple statement like "I'm tired" carries layered social meaning and is understood as a response to a prior invitation without explicit clarification.

This pragmatic efficiency—sharing maximal informative content with minimal cognitive effort—is governed by principles of relevance, ambiguity, and plausible deniability. Human communication thus constantly negotiates subtle contextual cues, often relying on indirectness and inference rather than direct, unequivocal statements. This recursive mental modeling distinguishes human dialogue from artificial intelligence outputs, which until recently have struggled with these nuanced social signals.

Coalition Building

The conversation turns toward the social brain hypothesis, which suggests human cognitive evolution largely stems from the demands of managing complex social coalitions. Unlike other primates with smaller social groups, humans manage large, fluid networks requiring sophisticated theory of mind and strategic interaction.

This heightened social complexity creates an evolving pressure for advanced reasoning and communication abilities, where playing social "games" successfully—cooperating and competing within coalitions—directly impacts survival and reproductive success. Lionel notes that interacting with other humans entails anticipating multiple levels of intent and counterintent, immensely increasing cognitive load relative to engaging with predictable non-human environments or machines.

Cooperation and Conflict

The coexistence of cooperation and conflict shapes much of human interaction. While societies depend on shared norms and rules—like driving on a particular side of the road or upholding workplaces' ethical standards—people often operate close to the edges of these rules to gain subtle advantages. This balancing act involves nuanced self-deception and rationalizations to maintain both cooperation and individual benefit.

Conflict need not be violent or overt; it commonly manifests as negotiation over time allocated to activities, household duties, or social recognition. Ambiguity and indirect communication often serve to mask these tensions, preserving plausible deniability and minimizing social friction. This continuous oscillation between collaboration and competition fuels much of the dynamic complexity in human relationships.

Gendered Differences

Gender differences in friendship structures and social competition provide an illuminating example of coalition psychology in action. Lionel describes women's typically smaller, high-investment social networks, developed partly due to evolutionary necessities such as kin-based child-rearing support and alloparenting. Women's friendships often involve frequent, intimate communication where reputation and loyalty management are paramount.

By contrast, men often maintain larger networks with weaker ties, built around occasional alliances for hunting, warfare, or collective tasks where individual defection, while costly, is not as critical to immediate survival. These divergent patterns influence communication styles, competitive strategies, and mechanisms like gossip or venting, which serve to navigate reputational dynamics differently across sexes.

Political Polarization

Lionel integrates his coalition game framework into understanding modern political polarization. He contends that political ideologies function less as truth-seeking doctrines and more as markers of loyalty within coalitions. This creates incentives to adopt and publicly defend increasingly extreme or rigid positions to signal commitment, sometimes at the expense of factual accuracy or social harmony.

The rise of social media exacerbates these tendencies by fostering echo chambers and incentivizing predictable, polarized viewpoints. Algorithms reward engagement, which often escalates ideological signaling and diminishes nuance. Consequently, loyalty to coalition identity increasingly trumps concern for objective truth, reshaping democratic discourse into arenas of competing social coalitions rather than collective problem-solving.

The Invisible Games of Social Life

Perhaps the most profound insight Lionel offers concerns the invisibility of these social games to our conscious awareness. Humans are rarely fully cognizant that they constantly engage in layered strategic interactions involving persuasion, self-deception, and cooperation-conflict negotiations. This blindness serves functional ends: being aware of playing strategic games may undermine trustworthiness or social bonding.

He suggests that parts of the mind selectively filter information and emotions to maintain strategic advantage, such as triggering genuine feelings of love or friendship that facilitate credible commitment in relationships. This self-illusion is critical to navigating social life effectively, illustrating why an explicit "rulebook" of social games is unnecessary for high-level proficiency—our minds evolved heuristics rather than transparent deliberative control for these tasks.

Applying Awareness of Human Games to Everyday Life

Toward the end, Lionel reflects on the personal and practical value of understanding these theories. While knowledge of self-deception, coalition dynamics, and communication games enriches intellectual comprehension, it does not necessarily grant a competitive edge in social "games." Often, effectiveness depends on inherently suspending awareness of being strategic and genuinely embodying commitments and emotions.

However, he acknowledges the benefits in fostering empathy and reducing frustration toward others' apparently irrational or self-serving behaviors. Recognizing the pervasive role of these dynamics can temper judgments, helping individuals develop patience and self-forgiveness amid inevitable biases and social maneuvering. The wisdom lies in balancing analytical insight with lived experience, harmonizing awareness with authentic human connection.