Melinda French Gates Gets Vulnerable About Her Divorce "I never thought I'd be 60 and single"

Added: Jul 9, 2024

In 8th grade, Melinda attended a "Successful Life Course" that taught goal-setting and taking quiet time for reflection. This course had a significant impact on her, leading her to set goals like going to college for computer science. She went on to study at Duke University before joining Microsoft after graduation.

Melinda credits her parents for her positive attitude towards change. Her father worked on the Apollo space missions, showing excitement about new frontiers. Her parents' encouragement to go out of state for college pushed Melinda to embrace new experiences. This openness to change served her well throughout her life and career.

Dealing with Change and Perfectionism

Melinda views change as something to embrace rather than fear. She approaches new situations with curiosity, seeing them as opportunities to learn and grow. When faced with change, she tries to stay open and curious about what she might learn from new people and experiences.

However, Melinda admits she struggled with perfectionism for much of her life. She would obsess over saying and doing the right things, which drained her energy and drove those around her crazy. Through self-reflection and reading books like "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown, she learned to embrace her imperfections. She realized perfectionism was holding her back and began to give herself more grace.

Melinda encourages others to identify where perfectionism shows up in their lives and work to let it go. She notes that once you start embracing your imperfections, you feel more integrated and whole as a person. Melinda still occasionally catches herself slipping into perfectionist tendencies, but is much better at recognizing and releasing them now.

Philanthropy and the Gates Foundation

As co-chair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, Melinda initially felt like an impostor. Coming from a computer science background, she was now working in global health and development. For the first 10 years, she didn't feel she knew enough to speak credibly on these topics. It took time and encouragement from others for Melinda to recognize the unique knowledge and perspective she had gained through her extensive travels and conversations with people around the world.

One of the most challenging decisions Melinda faced was whether to speak out publicly about contraception. As a Catholic, she knew she would face backlash from the church. She spent 10-12 months wrestling with this decision, seeking guidance through prayer, conversations with trusted friends, and reading works by progressive Catholic thinkers. Ultimately, she decided she had a responsibility to use her voice and platform to advocate for women's access to contraception, despite the potential personal consequences.

Melinda emphasizes the importance of having a small group of trusted advisors when making difficult decisions. She has been part of a spiritual group of eight women since 2001 that meets monthly to discuss readings and support each other through life's challenges. This group has been a crucial source of guidance and encouragement for Melinda.

Parenting and Family Life

Melinda and Bill Gates made intentional choices to give their three children as normal an upbringing as possible, despite their family's wealth and fame. They enrolled the kids in school under Melinda's maiden name to allow them time to settle in before classmates realized who their father was. She would meet with school administrators to ensure her children were treated like any other students.

At home, the Gates children had chores and rules around things like phone usage and allowance. She wanted to instill the value of money and hard work. The family didn't watch much TV, which helped shield the children from constant exposure to news about their parents.

As the children got older, Melinda and Bill had conversations with them about whether they wanted to use the Gates name or keep French. They also discussed the family's philanthropy work and encouraged the children to find their own ways of giving back to society.

The three core values Melinda wanted to instill in her children were: Be kind, Develop your talents to give back to the world, and Recognize your privilege and use it to help others. She's been pleased to see all three children finding ways to give back, even in their 20s.

She notes the significant difference in parenting between her oldest and youngest daughters due to the rise of social media. She found it much more challenging to parent her youngest through the middle and high school years with the prevalence of smartphones and social media.

Philanthropy and Social Progress

Melinda's primary focus now is empowering women and people of color to reach their full potential in all areas of society. She believes this is crucial for creating lasting positive change in the world. This means breaking down barriers in politics, business, and culture to ensure diverse voices are represented in decision-making roles.

She points out that the lack of diversity in leadership positions leads to blind spots in policy-making and business. For example, the United States still doesn't have a federal paid family leave policy, which Melinda attributes partly to the lack of women in Congress who would champion such legislation.

To create systemic change, Melinda emphasizes the need to fund and support women and people of color running for political office, invest in businesses led by underrepresented groups, and create more visible role models in leadership positions. She believes having diverse archetypes of success is crucial for inspiring the next generation.

Melinda encourages everyone to find ways to give back, whether through time, energy, or money. She believes service not only benefits others but also provides valuable learning experiences and personal growth. She suggests starting small in your local community, as even seemingly minor contributions can make a significant difference in someone's life.

Personal Growth and Challenges

Melinda openly discusses the challenges she faced during her divorce from Bill Gates. She had envisioned being married for 50+ years and never expected to be single again in her late 50s. The divorce was the hardest thing she had ever been through, involving many tears and difficult emotions.

To navigate this challenging period, she relied on her faith, close friends, and a good therapist. She emphasizes the importance of accepting help during difficult times, something she had to learn to do better. She also found solace in nature and learned to appreciate her friends and family even more deeply through the experience.

One of the most valuable lessons Melinda has learned is that joy and sadness can coexist. She realized that even in the depths of sadness, there can be moments of joy, and that happiness will return, even if it takes time. This perspective has helped her navigate both personal and professional challenges.

She continues to prioritize personal growth and self-reflection. She spends time in silence almost every day, usually in the morning, to connect with herself and integrate her experiences. She also regularly seeks help and advice from friends when struggling with personal issues.

Conclusion

Throughout the conversation, Melinda French Gates demonstrates a deep commitment to personal growth, service, and creating positive change in the world. Her experiences as a businesswoman, philanthropist, and mother have shaped her perspective on success, giving back, and navigating life's challenges. Her openness about her own struggles with perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and personal hardships offers valuable insights for listeners facing similar challenges. Her emphasis on the importance of community, self-reflection, and embracing change provides a roadmap for others seeking to live a more purposeful and impactful life.