#1 Divorce Lawyer: After 1000 Cases, Here’s the REAL Reason Marriages Fail (It’s NOT What You Think)

James Sexton opens by addressing the often-quoted statistic that about 50% of marriages end in divorce, noting it's actually a little over 50%. This statistic can be startling and even frightening, leading to the tongue-in-cheek notion that marriage could be seen as a negligent or reckless activity due to its high "failure" rate. Sexton explores the idea that marrying, given the high likelihood of pain and heartbreak, could be considered reckless by legal standards.

Beyond divorce, he expands the discussion to include couples who stay together despite unhappiness, often for practical reasons such as children or financial concerns. When factoring those who remain unhappily married, the "fail rate" of achieving marital satisfaction arguably approaches 70%. Yet, interestingly, he notes that 86% of people who divorce go on to remarry within five years, underlining the deep human yearning for connection despite the risks.

The Importance and Complexity of Marriage

Sexton critically explores why people continue to marry despite such high rates of divorce and failure. He points out that marrying is often seen as the "right thing to do," a social norm rarely questioned openly. However, asking why one wants to marry or what problem marriage is supposed to solve is often considered impolite. Sexton encourages a candid examination of motivations behind marriage as a healthy and insightful exercise, likening it to understanding the function of other things in life, like a microphone stand's purpose.

He also contrasts the cultural emphasis on weddings as glamorous events with the often-overlooked reality and work required for a successful marriage. Weddings are celebrated and exciting, but the ongoing relationship requires much deeper engagement, commitment, and emotional labor, which society insufficiently prepares couples for.

The Role of Vulnerability and Bravery in Love

Delving into the emotional core of relationships, Sexton stresses that loving and marrying should be seen as bold and brave acts precisely because of their inherent risks. Every marriage inevitably ends—whether by divorce or death—and loving someone requires exposing oneself to potential loss and heartbreak. If there is no fear or vulnerability, he argues, the act scarcely qualifies as brave.

He reflects on his own sensitivity despite a courtroom reputation for toughness, sharing emotional moments such as officiating his son's wedding. This personal perspective illustrates the profound depth of human connection that marriage ideally embodies, even in the face of uncertainty and potential failure.

The Root Causes of Divorce: Disconnection and Being Unseen

Contrary to common assumptions, Sexton identifies disconnection—not infidelity or financial problems—as the fundamental cause of marital breakdowns. Problems such as cheating or money troubles are symptoms rather than the root illness. He emphasizes that couples often fall out of love and lose connection gradually, and by the time major issues manifest, repair can be very challenging.

One key element of this disconnection is partners no longer feeling "seen" or valued by each other. Just as individuals can become blind to everyday objects like furniture, they also become blind to the presence and needs of their spouse. This feeling of being invisible is devastating and contributes strongly to the decline of marriages.

Small Gestures and the Power of Recognition

Sexton highlights the importance of small, consistent acts of love and attention, which can make or break relationships. These are often simple things like replacing a favorite granola or bringing a spouse a glass of water without being asked. Such acts communicate attentiveness, care, and emotional connection that accumulate over time.

Recognition and gratitude for these small contributions are equally crucial. When affectionate acts become routine, partners tend to take them for granted, eroding the positive reinforcement that keeps intimacy alive. The failure to notice or appreciate these gestures can lead to feelings of being unloved or neglected and eventual estrangement.

The Influence of Upbringing and Social Conditioning

The discussion includes how people's family backgrounds and early environment shape expectations and behaviors in marriage. Sexton explains that habits, communication patterns, and even tolerance for toxic behaviors can be inherited from parents or caretakers. For instance, children of parents with substance abuse or abusive relationships may unconsciously repeat these patterns in their own adult relationships.

He notes the absence of formal education on how to love or maintain healthy relationships, suggesting that people mostly learn through observation or experience rather than structured teaching. This cultural gap leaves many ill-equipped to navigate the complexities of romantic partnerships effectively.

The Challenge of Desire, Intimacy, and Communication

A major factor in relationship dissolution is changes or difficulties regarding sexual desire and intimacy. Sexton discusses how sexual connection is a unique and vital glue in romantic relationships, differentiating them from mere cohabitation. He explains how men and women often experience and communicate about sexual needs differently, which can create misunderstanding and conflict.

He also challenges the idea that cheating is a root cause of divorce, framing it instead as a symptom of deeper disconnection, unmet needs, and a lack of candid communication. Without open conversations about desire and changing needs, partners may seek fulfillment outside the marriage, perpetuating cycles of pain.

Ego, Vulnerability, and Effective Communication

Throughout, Sexton emphasizes how ego, fear of vulnerability, and defensiveness hinder authentic communication between partners. People often avoid opening up about their needs or struggles to protect themselves from rejection or judgment, which ironically increases disconnection.

He gives personal insights into how even small requests for help can trigger vulnerabilities and fears. Overcoming these barriers requires courage and trust, and when both partners commit to showing up for each other authentically, intimacy and partnership can deepen.

Thoughts on Prenuptials and Legal Realities

Sexton tackles the topic of prenuptial agreements from a legal and pragmatic standpoint. He argues that every marriage already has a "prenup" governed by government laws, whether couples consciously agree to it or not. The question is whether the contract is created by the couple or imposed by external legal systems that may not reflect their wishes.

He stresses that prenups should not be stigmatized as signs of distrust but embraced as responsible planning tools. Open conversations about safety, fairness, and financial security in marriage lead to healthier understanding and reduce conflicts if separation occurs. Despite the difficulty many feel in initiating this discussion, Sexton highlights the benefits of facing it proactively.

The Divisions of Family Roles and Co-Parenting Challenges

Addressing the complex realities of parenting, Sexton differentiates between the role of spouse and parent, noting that the skills required often diverge. He shares his own experience of being a less effective husband but a devoted father, illustrating how these roles can exist in tension.

In cases of separation or divorce, Sexton emphasizes that minimizing conflict and avoiding parental alienation are paramount for children's well-being. He discusses legal and emotional challenges related to co-parenting, noting that children suffer most from parental conflict rather than the divorce itself. Navigating this requires maturity and cooperation beyond romantic relationships.

Gender Dynamics in Divorce: Who Initiates and Who Suffers?

Examining divorce statistics more deeply, Sexton reveals that women initiate about 70% of divorces but cautions against simplistic villainizing narratives. Often, men physically abandon the relationship first or disengage emotionally, leading women to file legally for protection and support.

He also notes societal biases in custody and post-divorce relationships that disadvantage men in terms of time with children, while women often face economic hardships and social stigmas. Post-divorce, men tend to have more romantic opportunities, whereas women's prospects may be more limited, indicating different challenges and pains for both genders.

Final Reflections on Love, Growth, and Authenticity

Ending on a philosophical note, Sexton reflects on the universal human fear that if truly known, one would be unlovable. He argues that authentic love involves seeing and being seen—flaws and all—and choosing to love despite imperfections. This radical acceptance is rare but transformative.

He highlights the importance of growing and changing within a marriage, rejecting the lies that partners will either never change or magically transform through marriage. Sexton defines the ideal marriage as supporting each partner in becoming the most authentic version of themselves, which requires ongoing work, vulnerability, and grace.

Five Essential Questions for Relationships

Finally, Sexton offers a set of core questions to reflect on in relationships. Key among them is understanding "what problem marriage is solving" for each partner, encouraging couples to align their expectations meaningfully. He warns against two opposite but equally harmful lies: believing marriage will change a person fundamentally or thinking nothing will ever change.

Sexton also proposes a societal law requiring young adults to volunteer in hospice care to deepen their appreciation for life and relationships. He suggests mandatory premarital education to help couples grasp the realities of marriage beyond romance, promoting healthier partnerships and reducing avoidable pain.