Chris Voss: How to Succeed at Hard Conversations | Huberman Lab Podcast

Added: Oct 2, 2023

Voss begins by emphasizing the need to determine whether a negotiation is worth pursuing or if it would result in a bad deal. He suggests diagnosing the situation early on to understand the possibilities and whether the other party can be trusted. He also highlights the importance of being in a positive mood during negotiations, as it can lead to better outcomes. Voss shares personal experiences where being playful and in a good mood helped him achieve successful negotiations.

The conversation then shifts to benevolent negotiations, where both parties are seeking a win-win outcome. Voss explains that in these situations, it is crucial to make the other person feel heard and understood. He suggests starting the conversation by describing the other person's perspective and allowing them to correct any misconceptions. This approach accelerates the conversation and leads to better collaboration and outcomes.

They also discuss the use of catchphrases in negotiations. Voss cautions against using phrases like "win-win" early on, as it often correlates with people trying to take advantage. He advises being cautious when someone uses this phrase and recommends focusing on generosity and genuine collaboration instead.

The conversation then delves into high-friction negotiations, where the stakes are high and the potential outcomes can be catastrophic. Voss shares a personal experience where a negotiation went wrong, resulting in the death of hostages. He emphasizes the importance of collaboration and communication within the negotiating team and the need to learn from failures to improve future negotiations.

Voss explains that in high-stakes negotiations, it is crucial to identify the other party's motivations and thresholds early on. This helps in understanding their mindset and determining how serious they are about their demands. He suggests using hypothesis testing to gather information and make accurate assessments.

Throughout the episode, Voss emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in negotiations. He highlights the role of emotions in decision-making and suggests paying attention to both one's own emotions and those of the other party. Voss also discusses the power of the late-night FM DJ voice, explaining that low-frequency sounds have a calming effect on the brain.

Voss continues by emphasizing the importance of specificity in negotiations. He recounts a case he worked on in the Philippines where a kidnapper threatened to harm a hostage if a ransom was not paid by a specific deadline. Voss explains that the kidnapper's lack of specificity in terms of when and how the harm would occur gave the negotiating team time to strategize and gather more information. He highlights the need to ask specific questions to gain clarity and assess the credibility of the other party.

The conversation then shifts to the topic of online scams and hacking. Voss explains that scammers often create a sense of urgency to manipulate their victims into making hasty decisions. He advises listeners to be cautious of requests for immediate action and to question the legitimacy of such demands. Voss also discusses the concept of "double dipping," where scammers may demand additional payments even after receiving the initial ransom. He suggests assessing the other party's authenticity and ability to carry out their threats before making any payments.

The discussion then delves into the process of wearing down aggressive negotiators. Voss explains that when faced with a hostile individual, it is important to slow down the conversation and exhaust the other party. He recommends asking fair and legitimate questions to make them think and reveal their true intentions. By making the aggressor work harder and think more deeply, one can gain an advantage in the negotiation.

The conversation also touches on the role of intuition and gut feelings in negotiations. Voss acknowledges that our bodies often pick up on subtle cues and signals that our conscious minds may not fully comprehend. He encourages listeners to trust their gut instincts and pay attention to their bodily responses during negotiations. Voss believes that our gut feelings can provide valuable insights and guide our decision-making.

The discussion then explores the different dynamics of negotiations conducted face-to-face versus online or through text communication. Voss explains that in face-to-face negotiations, he pays attention to visual cues such as body language and facial expressions. However, in online or text-based negotiations, he focuses on the alignment of the other party's words and actions. Voss emphasizes the importance of double-checking information and asking for clarification to ensure accurate understanding.

Voss also shares a personal anecdote about a miscommunication with a filmmaker. He highlights the importance of effective communication and the need to address issues promptly. Voss demonstrates how a simple text message can be used to set the stage for a difficult conversation and facilitate problem-solving.

Voss continues by discussing the importance of setting the right context for a conversation. He emphasizes the need to be direct and succinct in order to engage the other person in problem-solving mode. By avoiding lengthy introductions and focusing on the main issue at hand, one can create a more productive and efficient conversation.

The concept of ego depletion is then introduced, which refers to the idea that defending one's position in a conversation depletes mental energy. Voss explains that by wearing someone out through prolonged arguments, their ego becomes depleted, allowing for more practical thinking and problem-solving. However, he warns against using this strategy in negotiations, as it can lead to a breakdown in trust and future implementation of agreements.

The conversation then shifts to the topic of ending relationships, whether they be personal or professional. Voss suggests that it is important to be direct and honest when ending a relationship, rather than trying to soften the blow. He advises against prolonging the process and emphasizes the need to act quickly and decisively. By doing so, both parties can move on and avoid unnecessary pain and frustration.

The concept of readiness is also discussed, with Voss highlighting the importance of being prepared for unexpected conversations and negotiations. He suggests practicing small-scale interactions throughout the day, such as engaging in conversations with Lyft drivers or grocery store clerks, to keep negotiation skills sharp. By regularly engaging in these interactions, one can improve their ability to think on their feet and handle difficult conversations more effectively.

The conversation then turns to the topic of venting, with Voss expressing his skepticism towards the practice. He believes that venting often leads to a spiral of negativity and does not provide a productive solution. Instead, he suggests acknowledging the person's frustration and making observations about their emotions to help them feel heard and understood. By doing so, the negative emotions can be deactivated more quickly, leading to a sense of relief and resolution.

Voss also shares his thoughts on self-care and the importance of physical and mental well-being in negotiations. He emphasizes the need to take care of oneself in order to show up as the best version in any situation. This includes engaging in practices such as meditation, gratitude exercises, and maintaining a healthy diet. By prioritizing self-care, one can have more energy, capacity, and staying power to handle difficult conversations and negotiations.

The conversation continues with Voss reflecting on his experiences as an FBI hostage negotiator. He discusses the need to balance persistence and self-care in high-stakes situations. He emphasizes the importance of having faith in the process and trusting that the best possible outcome will be achieved. By taking care of oneself and having confidence in one's abilities, negotiators can navigate challenging situations and achieve successful outcomes.

Chris Voss continues by explaining the concept of tactical empathy, which involves actively demonstrating understanding and verbally acknowledging the other person's perspective. He believes that empathy is about the transmission of information, while compassion is the reaction to that transmission. By using tactical empathy, one can make the other person feel heard and understood, which can have a positive impact on the interaction.

They also discuss the technique of mirroring, which involves repeating one to three words of what the other person has just said. Mirroring helps to establish rapport and encourages the other person to expand on their thoughts and feelings. It is a simple and effective communication tool that can be used to make the other person feel understood.

Proactive listening is another important skill discussed in the podcast. Chris Voss explains that being proactive in calling out and addressing negative emotions can help to deactivate them. By anticipating and acknowledging the negativity in a conversation, one can create a more positive and productive interaction.

The conversation then shifts to the role of family members in hostage negotiations. Chris Voss explains that family members can be helpful in certain situations, but their involvement needs to be carefully orchestrated. It is important to consider the dynamics and potential wounds within the family before involving them in negotiations.

Dr. Huberman and Voss also discuss the importance of rapport in communication. They highlight the significance of finding common ground and establishing a connection with the other person. Rapport can help to build trust and make the other person more receptive to the ideas and suggestions being presented.

Voss continues by discussing the importance of empathy in negotiations. He explains that understanding the other person's perspective and emotions is crucial for building rapport and finding common ground. Voss emphasizes the need to listen actively and validate the other person's feelings, even if you don't agree with them. This approach helps to create a sense of trust and openness, which can lead to more productive conversations.

Voss also highlights the power of asking open-ended questions. By asking questions that encourage the other person to share their thoughts and feelings, you can gain valuable insights and uncover hidden information. This can be particularly useful in negotiations, where understanding the other party's motivations and priorities is key.

Another important aspect of successful negotiations, according to Voss, is the ability to manage emotions. He explains that emotions can often get in the way of rational decision-making, so it's important to be aware of your own emotions and those of the other person. Voss suggests using techniques like labeling emotions and mirroring to defuse tension and create a more positive atmosphere.

The conversation then shifts to the topic of persuasion. Voss explains that effective persuasion involves understanding the other person's needs and desires and framing your arguments in a way that appeals to those needs. He emphasizes the importance of finding common ground and presenting your ideas as a win-win solution.

Voss also shares some practical tips for handling difficult conversations. He suggests using the "accusation audit" technique, where you acknowledge any negative assumptions or accusations the other person may have and address them directly. This can help to defuse tension and create a more constructive dialogue.

In addition to negotiation and conflict resolution, Voss also discusses the importance of mindset in achieving success. He emphasizes the need to adopt a growth mindset, where failures and setbacks are seen as opportunities for learning and improvement. Voss also stresses the importance of perseverance and resilience in the face of challenges.

Towards the end of the conversation, Voss shares some insights on the role of body language in communication. He explains that nonverbal cues can often reveal more about a person's true thoughts and feelings than their words. Voss suggests paying attention to subtle cues like facial expressions and body posture to gain a better understanding of the other person's intentions.