This Is Why You Break Every New Year’s Resolution — And How To Finally Stop | Shadé Zahrai

In this podcast episode, Shadé Zahrai dives deep into the often unspoken root cause behind why so many people break their New Year's resolutions and struggle with self-doubt across all areas of life. She challenges common assumptions about confidence, reveals the crucial concept of "self-trust," and outlines a science-backed framework built around four core attributes that shape how we view ourselves and navigate our goals. Throughout the conversation, Shadé draws on extensive research, personal experience, and powerful stories — including those of Andre Agassi and Nike designer Tinker Hatfield — to illuminate why so many feel stuck, how childhood and identity play roles, and practical strategies for finally breaking the cycle of hesitation and inaction.

The Opposite of Self-Doubt Is Self-Trust

Shadé starts by distinguishing self-trust from the more commonly cited opposites of self-doubt, such as confidence and self-belief. She argues that too many people wait to feel "ready" or confident before taking action, but confidence actually follows action, not precedes it. Taking steps forward generates proof points that increase self-efficacy — the belief in one's ability to succeed — which then builds genuine confidence and momentum. Foundational to this is self-trust: a deeper, ongoing relationship with oneself that influences whether people overthink, hesitate, or push forward despite uncertainty. Without that fundamental trust, the cycle of delay and self-sabotage continues.

Identity and the Power of Self-Image

Exploring one of the deepest drivers of self-trust, Shadé highlights how our self-image acts as the blueprint for our lives. The podcast shared a fascinating psychology study from the 1970s where participants believed they had a visible scar on their face, which led them to perceive social interactions as more negative — even when the scar was removed unbeknownst to them. This demonstrates how our internal expectations shape reality through biases like selective attention and confirmation bias.

She likens limiting beliefs to a plant confined within a pot; the pot shapes how tall or expansive the plant thinks it can grow. Similarly, our self-image may confine the scope of who we believe ourselves to be, limiting potential. Recognizing this "pot" is the first step, and then we can work to "repot" ourselves into larger containers or even "open soil," free of self-imposed limitations. This process involves understanding and rewriting the narrative we hold about ourselves, breaking free from identification solely tied to transient roles or achievements.

The Four Core Dimensions of Self-Trust

Shadé's research, drawing on decades of organizational behavior and psychological studies, centers on four intertwined personality traits, each corresponding to a trainable attribute that together form the foundation of self-trust. The four traits are acceptance, agency, autonomy, and adaptability.

Acceptance relates to how fundamentally worthy and lovable we see ourselves. When low, it results in a fragile sense of self-worth dependent on external validation and removed from internal contentment. The pressure to prove oneself, the "likeability trap" of people-pleasing, and a fear of failure that causes "shrinking syndrome" are manifestations of low acceptance.

Agency refers to our belief in our competence — can I do this? It closely relates to self-efficacy and is where people often face impostor syndrome, comparison traps, and a hesitation to start new endeavors. Shadé underscores that skills and confidence grow through repeated action, not waiting for perfection.

Autonomy is about locus of control — whether one sees life as happening to them or whether they take ownership and responsibility for their choices and reactions. Low autonomy typically shows in patterns of complaining, blaming, resentment, and dwelling on past grievances, which keep people stuck. Shadé shares analogies like the difference between bison who walk into storms and cows who run away, emphasizing the power of facing discomfort rather than avoiding it.

Adaptability is the ability to respond to stress, doubt, and emotion with composure rather than reactivity. It involves the skill of emotional grounding, observing emotions as transient rather than permanent states. This trait helps people maintain clarity and purpose despite challenges, allowing them to rewrite their personal narratives towards growth rather than victimhood.

The Role of Early Experiences and Breaking Free from the Past

The conversation acknowledges the significant impact of childhood and early experiences on shaping the core traits of personality and self-image. Shadé and the host emphasize, however, that while upbringing forms a critical foundation, it does not imprison us; personality is malleable given intentional interventions such as therapy, journaling, and meditation. Moving beyond blame prevents stagnation and opens pathways to growth.

They discuss the importance of not falling into a victim mindset by blaming parents or environment, recognizing that most do the best they can, even if unintended limiting beliefs were unknowingly instilled.

The Pitfalls of Identity Fusion and the Power of Multiple Identities

Shadé explains how people often fuse their identity entirely with roles such as their career or caregiving, which can backfire dramatically during life transitions like retirement or when children move out. When identity is overly linked to a single role, loss or change in that role can lead to crises of meaning and self-doubt.

This is supported with stories from musicians, athletes, and parents, emphasizing the need to cultivate multiple facets of identity, including hobbies, which have been linked to increased self-esteem, creativity, and resilience. Having identities beyond work or caregiving can act as buffers during life's inevitable transitions.

Overcoming the Likability Trap and Pressure to Prove

Shadé explores how lack of acceptance drives people to seek external approval to feel worthy, leading to people-pleasing behaviors and sacrificing personal desires. She explains why this fragile foundation fosters a relentless pressure to prove oneself and often results in burnout and emotional exhaustion even when success is achieved. The relentless chase for "enough" tied solely to achievement is a common trap among high performers.

The host highlights a powerful nurse's insight from patients' end-of-life regrets — that the top regret is not seeking to live a life true to oneself but living according to others' expectations — reinforcing the urgent need for self-acceptance.

Practical Steps to Build Self-Trust

Throughout the episode, Shadé offers actionable strategies, such as the "to be list," where individuals identify qualities and values they want to embody daily, rather than solely focusing on tasks ("to do list"). She advocates for consistent, deliberate alignment of actions with core values like integrity, curiosity, and compassion to reinforce trust in oneself.

She also recommends engaging in hobbies to diversify identity and activate different brain functions, boosting resilience and reducing over-identification with work or caregiving roles. Embracing the "messy beginning" of learning something new helps educators suppress the unrealistic pursuit of early perfection and fosters patience in oneself.

The Knowing-Doing Gap and The Importance of Action

Shadé underlines a widely researched concept: knowing what to do is not the same as doing it. People get stuck in planning, preparation, or researching instead of taking imperfect action. She encourages embracing "micro braveries" — small, low-risk acts of courage that over time expand one's comfort zone and "luck surface area," thereby increasing chances for positive outcomes.

The discussion includes Elizabeth Gilbert's writing struggles and how she reframed her commitment from "write a great book" to simply "write," illustrating how action begets confidence.

The Role of Stories and Narratives

Shadé references research on "narrative identity," explaining how the stories we tell ourselves influence how we interpret events, successes, and failures. People with trust in themselves craft redemptive narratives — framing setbacks as learning and growth — which reinforces resilience and confidence. Those lacking trust tell contamination stories, victims of circumstance, perpetuating feelings of helplessness.

Editability of these narratives offers hope that deliberate story revision can alter mindset and outcomes.

Celebrity Stories as Illustrations

The episode shares memorable stories that illustrate the psychological points made. Andre Agassi's struggle with his hair and self-image — wearing a hairpiece and losing focus in a major tennis final — powerfully represents how self-doubt can undermine performance despite external success. His eventual decision to shave his head symbolized liberation and greater self-trust, leading to one of his best career victories.

Nike designer Tinker Hatfield's unexpected rise to prominence shows agency and autonomy in action. With no prior experience, he trusted himself enough to present a revolutionary shoe design that became iconic and pivotal for Nike's growth, emphasizing success can come from trusting one's current capabilities and honoring past experiences.

The Impact of Complaining and Cultivating Autonomy

The conversation paints complaining as a toxic behavior linked to low autonomy, showing how frequent complaining retriggers negative brain patterns and internalizes victimhood. Shadé shares exercises like catching oneself when complaining and reframing it into gratitude or actionable steps to reduce this harmful habit.

They stress the importance of autonomy as choosing to focus on what we can control, rather than what we cannot, shifting mindset from powerless victim to empowered actor. The "why me?" to "what now?" reframe exemplifies this.

Embracing Discomfort to Expand One's "Luck Surface Area"

Living comfortably and avoiding discomfort shrinks autonomy and opportunity, making people more prone to self-doubt and inertia. Shadé highlights how progressively facing discomfort cultivates resilience and opens the door to luck and opportunity by simply being willing to "show up" regardless of perfect conditions.

The analogy of bison facing storms head-on contrasts humans avoiding discomfort and experiencing prolonged difficulty. Cultivating "micro braveries" steadily increases one's ability to thrive amid uncertainty and change.

Preparing for Obstacles and Implementation Intentions

Shadé advocates for proactively identifying obstacles and formulating exactly how to respond when they arise, rather than ignoring or fearing them. This pragmatic approach, backed by research on implementation intentions, helps shrink dread, build preparedness, and makes follow-through more likely.

The host encourages this advance planning as a meaningful evolution beyond motivational boosts or inspiration alone, embedding readiness into the path toward goals.

Emotional Resilience and Adaptability

The final attribute discussed centers on handling emotions in ways that preserve one's agency and clarity. Emotions are inherently transient but become problematic when ruminated upon and internalized as permanent mindsets.

Shadé emphasizes adaptability as maintaining an observer stance to emotions, allowing them to pass without overriding rationality or self-trust. Breathwork and controlled breath holds are practical tools she uses to train nervous system resilience, allowing greater composure under stress.

She explains that emotions are contagious via brain mirror systems, impacting not only individuals but their families and workplaces, elevating the importance of managing responses for overall wellbeing.

Living with Big Trust: A Path Forward

Throughout the episode, Shadé and the host reinforce that building self-trust is not about achieving perfection but consistently showing up with intentionality, aligned to values, and ready to learn through action. It involves rewriting personal narratives, expanding one's identity, embracing discomfort, and responding to emotions with composure.

This framework offers a way out of the all-too-common cycle of broken resolutions, self-sabotage, and stalled progress by addressing the psychological roots of trust in oneself. By strengthening these four core attributes—acceptance, agency, autonomy, and adaptability—people can transform not only their success at goals but also their happiness, relationships, and overall life satisfaction.